Apologies in advance if this is long. I've been in a relationship for two years with someone I've known since I was quite young.
I seem to gravitate towards unhealthy relationships, I was diagnosed as neurodivergent last year so I'm not sure if this is a contributing factor, I am also extremely anxiously attached and struggle with abandonment due to previous emotional abuse when I was 19/20 (I'm now 30).
From the start of this relationship was red flags I didn't see, he told me he was a recovering gambling addict when we caught up as friends before we dated. Two weeks into dating he started asking me for money, which I naively gave, as he'd tell me a story about why he needed it and id feel guilty and I blindly just trusted him which is another issue I struggle with. Quite quickly I caught on to this and stopped giving him money and also asked him to stop asking me as it made me feel guilty and the way he'd do it would be manipulative. He'd pretend he needed money because he couldn't get a bus pass, or wouldn't have any food. But he still to this day asks me every week.
He also moved himself into my house pretty quickly, and due to the gambling he never has any money after paying the basics which means it falls on me
When we argue it is always very much defensive on his part, I will try and explain how I feel or how he's hurt me and he tells me he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and that I'm being unfair and having a go at him. It quickly turns into him turning it around on me, saying he wants to end things but then when I try be strong and not run after him he changes his mind.
Id say 99% of the issues are caused by gambling. His mood is persistently miserable, but he refuses to seek help and says it's pointless. It's the same cycle every month. Payday comes, he blows all his money and his mood is suic!dal for two weeks, goes on the sick at work, won't get out of bed, won't get any help, as payday starts to get closer the mood slightly improves but by this point I'm feeling completely neglected because hes just been locked away in my bed for weeks, and he doesn't seem to understand why i'd be feeling that way. As payday looms again I just feel in a constant state of abandonment and then dread for the weeks ahead.
He always has an issue with my ND traits, he says I'm rude and being nasty when I try to explain myself and I've honestly never hated myself more than I do in this relationship. I feel like an awful, awful person. I genuinely don't mean to be nasty, I can be quite passionate and my tone can come across wrong sometimes but I honestly don't do it to be nastyI. I'm so sad and unfulfilled, I feel like noone else will ever want to deal with me because I'm so unbearable. Last night we had an argument and he stormed out of the house at 10pm and didn't come back.
I know this is my chance to finally get the courage to tell him to leave, but despite everything part of me is panicking and wanting to apologize that he thinks I'm rude and ask him to stay.
Knock some sense in to me please 🥺 I don't have many friends in real life and I'm struggling.