Hi,
Feeling lonely and wondering what the hell happened to my life over the last few years.
I have recently turned 52 (female) and married at 25. I had been a quiet girl (only girl in a family of brothers, all older than me) and had worked hard at school, college and university to get myself a career (which I did and now in senior management within my profession). My mum and dad divorced when I was a young girl and my father disappeared from my life (met someone else). My mum struggled and, due to ill health, was never able to work throughout the time I was living with her. She struggled. She also never met another man. I vowed to do well and concentrated all of my efforts on achieving my goals. I took my mum on holidays etc. when I was earning. She'd never been abroad before.
I put guys on the back burner a lot, more out of nervousness and not knowing what the hell to do. I used to be quite shy when I was young.
Anyway, at 21 I met my husband when I was on my sandwich year from university. He was 32. He was living with his parents and had never had a proper girlfriend. Quiet and gentle nature. We got on ok and I enjoyed the trips we had (USA mainly) and we bought a house together when I left university and got my first job. We married a couple of years after graduation.
However, I will admit, our sex life was rubbish and he was pretty bad at everything. I never felt satisfied or even, desired. However, I hadn't had the experience to know any different and would crave the affection and passion I'd see on TV. He lacked something. It just didn't do anything for me. No kissing (and, boy, I love kissing), no real passion/touching/chemistry. We had two children (one artificially by fertility treatment), who are now almost grown (one at university). However, we drifted into a sexless marriage (I was about 35 years old). I just didn't enjoy it and it came to be a chore to me. He was so, well, dead in that department. Looking back, I realise that the sexual chemistry and connection just wasn't there. The age gap also became an issue for me as he aged a lot more rapidly than me in looks and in thoughts/ways.
A few years ago I entered menopause in quite an abrupt way. Periods stopped like a switch had been flicked. I had also recently lost my mum to bowel cancer (my mum was an older mum - in her 40's - when she had me). Well, things started changing for me. I know menopause was very influential in what happened next. I couldn't tolerate things. People. Family. Colleagues. My job!! My career! I did see a GP but was fobbed off saying it wasn't menopause and he gave me 4 weeks off on the sick. No difference. No HRT.
And this is where I am going to be slated. I became ridiculously sexual. I honestly didn't know why. Or, what was causing it. I didn't even realise I was menopausal at the time as I'd put everything down to my job (had started working nights a few times a month, which was playing havoc on my body). However, I still knew I couldn't go near my husband.
Yes, you guessed it. Another man came into my life. I had, innocently, gone into a chat site. Honestly, just looking for a chat about life etc. My husband just didn't communicate with me. We could go for a meal and he would sit there in complete silence! This was aside from our non-existent sex life (of over a decade at this point). I guess loneliness was starting to kick in, especially after the death of my mother.
I feel really bad about it all (yes, he is married) but we just hit it off chatting. We became very good friends and, of course, became very sexual in our conversations. I won't lie, I really enjoyed it. As did he. It was like I'd met someone who brought the best out in me. He, at the time, said he was in a sexless marriage too. We are close in age (him a year older). I was a bit led on at first as he said he was unhappy in his marriage (maybe I was naive to fall for this). He never wanted to meet and would cut contact with me as it 'wasn't fair on people' and could see what was happening.
Anyway, we met after about a year. Nothing sexual at first but we kissed. That kiss and the general affection he was giving me just blew me away. I know it was wrong. I really do. But, the overwhelming feelings just got in the way. If you've ever seen 'Bridges of Madison County' you'll know what I mean.
We met, again and again and again. We had amazing sex. We also spent time together outdoors and he took me places local to him.
I absolutely loved being with him. We have continued to have a great relationship online (via Messenger etc.) and on the phone. He, however, felt guilt when he calmed down. I know that I was missing this in my life all along. I ended my marriage very early on when I realised what was happening and why it was happening. It made me re-assess my past and why I was feeling the way I was. My marriage was nothing more than a friendship and I'd sacrificed my happiness for many years. My bottled up feelings were just ready to explode.
This relationship with this man has gone on for years. I know it is wrong. But, bottom line is...I fell for him. Like a fool. I'm in love with him. Deeply. I have tried dating sites (to find someone else) but don't have the connection that I have with this man. This is the problem. And, at my age (52), it's not getting any easier.
He has again moved our relationship into the friend zone. When we met up recently he said he felt guilty all the time and said he gets carried away. I felt like shit tbh. He has said this before btw. He then says he accepts he has feelings for me. Maybe he does but he won't do anything about it. We had lunch and walked in the park. He said his marriage had improved a lot (still not perfect) and has asked me a few times if I'm going to join a club (a sport, or something) to meet someone else. I feel gutted tbh. When we parted, I couldn't help but well up and he took hold of me and hugged me tight, kissed my head, stroked my hair and took hold of my hand. More affection, again, and more than my husband had ever given me in over 23 years of marriage!!
We had been due to separate at a tube station but he ended up taking me to the station where I'd catch my train. He held me the entire time and squeezed/stroked my hand.
He has gone quiet again but still keeps in touch.
I have lost my marriage, I ended up leaving my job (although returning to a similar role soon - current role is extremely stressful and I'm overworked), I have spent £££ on a solicitor, I have no family (apart from the two kids), I have to sell my house soon (to give stbx his share) and I feel extremely lonely and sad. I feel I have messed up my life by not searching for the right man in the first place. I was so naive and experienced that I made a decision, when young, that has led to an unhappy life and a very lonely marriage.
I find nights are the worst. I knew there was a passionate woman hiding in there (and there was).
I tried Tinder and Bumble (numerous times) and getting nowhere. No connection.
As for this man. I can't let go of him. Even as a friend. We could have a fantastic friendship but it's tinged with deep sadness that it won't go further.
Please be kind.
Please help suggest things to get me out of this despair. I'm not enjoying life at all, right now.