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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Applying for divorce

10 replies

Grar · 13/04/2024 07:53

DH wont engage when i tell him how im feeling in our relationship and in all honesty i feel im just done now and want out. When i talk about splitting up, he will go on and on how he loves me, we can try again etc etc

he drinks daily and gets horrible with it, but wont accept he is daily drinking/horrible and argumentative or drinking is a problem. He does hold a job and is reliable in that sense. He doesn’t parent the kids but will tell me how im a crap parent, im too much of a push over etc etc. kids (11&14) dont like him and regularly ask why were still together.

i have tried numerous times to split up but he wont engage. Weve been together 24 years.

I’ve completed the divorce application online but just need to pay and submit that, ive read up about divorce. Were an uncomplicated situation eg no house, assets etc

has anyone else been in my situation where your trying to split up and he wont even talk about it, turns any point around to be my fault, walks out the room rather than discuss. im wondering if its emotional abuse?
And in the end just gone ahead and issued the divorce? How did they take it? We still need to live together (we dont as he could move out to family, but he wont and i dont have that option)

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 13/04/2024 08:33

I have not been in your exact situation but I am divorced.
What I would say is the actual divorce is secondary to the separation of your lives, eg house, assets, child care etc etc. I would deffo take some legal advice. Pushing to actually be divorced seems pointless if nothing else is in place.
Have you got your own source of money? Eg a job so you can be financially independent?
You don't actually need him consent to be divorced btw, but obviously refusing to talk about it, makes things very difficult.

FlipFlops4Me · 13/04/2024 08:37

can you sort out somewhere for you and the kids to move to? Open a private bank account and move half of any shared money into it so that you can use it for a deposit and rent. Check out your entitlement to UC and also what contribution your STBXH will need to pay for your DC.

Also, gather the important papers - certificates, passbooks etc and take pics of any pension paperwork relating to your DH's pension.

Get a go-bag packed for you and the kids just in case he kicks off when pissed and starts getting stroppy about the divorce.

Most important - see a solicitor even if just for the free half hour.

Original poster
Grar · 13/04/2024 09:42

I suppose im pushing now to get divorced as my requests to end the relationship are falling on deaf ears. Its frustrating that he doesn’t want to listen. The rental is in my name, its my friends house so i really want to stay here as my rent is cheap and she primarily rented it to me. Rental market at the moment is mental, prices are ridiculous. Plus, kids are at school, friends etc. i want to stay where we are. Hoping the official divorce paperwork will show him im serious as nothing else is working.

i work too, full time self employed. We both have own pensions and both have savings. We have always kept our money separate. Reason for this is hes crap with money! Spending it frivolously on alcohol, nights out/weekends away with the lads, gambling machines in pubs, yet another pair of trainers etc etc all before thinking about family holidays, days out etc. hes been very selfish over the years.

i know in my heart, i love him as a friend/childrens dad but not as a wife anymore. I want to draw a line under this and move on.

OP posts:
MothralovesGojira · 13/04/2024 10:53

Yes, his behaviour is abusive.
In his mind he has no reason to discuss your relationship or engage as that's always going to be a lose/lose result for him in that he either has to become a better person/husband/father (he doesn't want to) or he's going to have to accept that his behaviour is unreasonable (and he doesn't want to).
There is nothing to save here and even your children are begging you to get rid of him. Just stop for a minute and think.....how is he bringing anything good to your relationship or your family.
Why did your friend rent your home to you just in your name? The answer is clear - she wanted you have somewhere that was just yours when you realised that your husband is an abusive alcoholic and there is nothing to save.
Your husband is NOT going to have a sudden, life changing epiphany and become the husband and father that you want and need. Your children's father is NOT going to change for them either. He is a functioning alcoholic. He isn't married to you or a parent to your children because he's already in a closer relationship....with alcohol and that means more to him. You have not failed in your relationship with him. He has failed - it is his failure. What you feel probably isn't love for him but a wistful dream of what could have been.

Go ahead with the divorce, bag his stuff up and tell him to go. It is your house and it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He works and he can easily find somewhere or move in with one of those mates who are more important than your family. Put in a CMS claim as soon as he leaves because the only thing that he's given you so far are bill money and two beautiful children.

Original poster
Grar · 13/04/2024 12:20

MothralovesGojira · 13/04/2024 10:53

Yes, his behaviour is abusive.
In his mind he has no reason to discuss your relationship or engage as that's always going to be a lose/lose result for him in that he either has to become a better person/husband/father (he doesn't want to) or he's going to have to accept that his behaviour is unreasonable (and he doesn't want to).
There is nothing to save here and even your children are begging you to get rid of him. Just stop for a minute and think.....how is he bringing anything good to your relationship or your family.
Why did your friend rent your home to you just in your name? The answer is clear - she wanted you have somewhere that was just yours when you realised that your husband is an abusive alcoholic and there is nothing to save.
Your husband is NOT going to have a sudden, life changing epiphany and become the husband and father that you want and need. Your children's father is NOT going to change for them either. He is a functioning alcoholic. He isn't married to you or a parent to your children because he's already in a closer relationship....with alcohol and that means more to him. You have not failed in your relationship with him. He has failed - it is his failure. What you feel probably isn't love for him but a wistful dream of what could have been.

Go ahead with the divorce, bag his stuff up and tell him to go. It is your house and it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He works and he can easily find somewhere or move in with one of those mates who are more important than your family. Put in a CMS claim as soon as he leaves because the only thing that he's given you so far are bill money and two beautiful children.

Thank you, you are right

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 13/04/2024 12:40

I think it won't do you any good to think about divorce as a way to scare him into action. He may temporarily change his behaviour but it will all go back to normal and he will be even worse - because now he would have called your bluff.

Just go ahead with the divorce

I had similar situation - fairly straightforward, no assets to split. I gave up asking him for the opinion, just told him to sign everything court sends him

of course he tried to play "but I can change" - I just did not buy that at this point

chocolaterevs · 13/04/2024 12:44

Grar · 13/04/2024 09:42

I suppose im pushing now to get divorced as my requests to end the relationship are falling on deaf ears. Its frustrating that he doesn’t want to listen. The rental is in my name, its my friends house so i really want to stay here as my rent is cheap and she primarily rented it to me. Rental market at the moment is mental, prices are ridiculous. Plus, kids are at school, friends etc. i want to stay where we are. Hoping the official divorce paperwork will show him im serious as nothing else is working.

i work too, full time self employed. We both have own pensions and both have savings. We have always kept our money separate. Reason for this is hes crap with money! Spending it frivolously on alcohol, nights out/weekends away with the lads, gambling machines in pubs, yet another pair of trainers etc etc all before thinking about family holidays, days out etc. hes been very selfish over the years.

i know in my heart, i love him as a friend/childrens dad but not as a wife anymore. I want to draw a line under this and move on.

Edited

There's the issue - he doesn't want a divorce because he knows he will likely struggle to find, let alone fund, another rental. It's near impossible where I live. Good luck getting him out, but I see this as the issue for most couples now. I honestly think you'll struggle to get him to leave. Many men dig their heels in, knowing the energy and effort required for the woman to do the leaving. My friend had to leave in the situation you're in. It is so hard to find alternative housing.

category12 · 13/04/2024 12:47

Because you're married, he does have "home rights" when it comes to the tenancy, whether his name is on it or not.

It may be that he won't realise that if you tell him to leave and may just go, but he does have a right to stay.

I think you need to press that button and get your divorce started.

Original poster
Grar · 13/04/2024 13:20

PaintedEgg · 13/04/2024 12:40

I think it won't do you any good to think about divorce as a way to scare him into action. He may temporarily change his behaviour but it will all go back to normal and he will be even worse - because now he would have called your bluff.

Just go ahead with the divorce

I had similar situation - fairly straightforward, no assets to split. I gave up asking him for the opinion, just told him to sign everything court sends him

of course he tried to play "but I can change" - I just did not buy that at this point

Im not using the D word as a scare tactic, i do mean it. I want to be free from this situation. Its been a long time coming but his inaction gets me really frustrated. I say XYZ are my reasons, he will say he will change. I ask him what he would change to achieve that and he doesn’t know. Its like he doesn’t take me seriously. Hes adament theres no problem there with his drinking.

with your divorce, did you do it yourself or via a solicitors? Or both? Im thinking both and only using a solicitors when needed eg financial agreement/childcare agreement. I think DH will be the same as yours and just take a back seat and let me deal with it all

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 13/04/2024 14:58

@Grar I meant even in your head - don't let yourself be swayed if he starts behaving for a bit.

We did not have children so it was even easier - but in your situation I think it's wise to have all agreements regarding childcare, child payments etc on paper and looked over by a solicitor

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