So unhappy being single

[desolatesingle]

Please be kind- I’ve changed username because I’m embarrassed at how unhappy I am.

I have been single for 8 years, after breaking up with a long term partner because he kept delaying getting married and having children. I know that’s not everything in life, but it’s what I want- and how I imagined my life.
Since then, I’ve not had any relationships. Men either chat to me for a bit, then ghost me, aren’t interesting, or I go on a date and they are weird or there’s just no sexual connection.

All my friends are either engaged or married- a large number now have one or two children. I spend a lot of money and time celebrating (gladly may I add!!) their life events. The going out socially is starting to dry up, so I’ve tried throwing more into online dating.
I have an extremely successful career, I think I’m fun to be around, lots of hobbies and friends- to the outside, my life is pretty perfect, and for those things I am seriously grateful.

When I’m at home, I’m incredibly lonely, even though my life is busy. If I try to speak to friends about it, they always give the whole “you don’t need a man to be happy” or “but your life is great as it is” or “better to be on your own than the wrong relationship” but they don’t understand how desolate I feel.

I’ve tried giving myself breaks from dating, I’ve tried throwing myself into dating and everything in between.

I recently met a man for a couple of dates, he seemed really keen and I thought, finally! How exciting! He ghosted me. It’s been literally the final rejection nail in the coffin.

I feel sick that this may be me forever, and the grief for the loss of the family I may not have is overwhelming. My mental health and self esteem is in tatters. I spend most of my time at home in tears because my home life is so empty. The recent ghosting has sent me completely over the edge. I don’t understand what is so wrong with me that no one wants me.

I’m sorry this is so chaotic, and I don’t really know what I want from this. Just somewhere to vent where I won’t be told how amazing my life is by friends who don’t really understand.

@desolatesingle please give OLD a break you'll feel so much better for it.

Go out and enjoy life. If friends can't go out in the evenings do something during the day with them, include children if you need to.

Maybe suggest going to a National Trust place or park that has a café/Ice Cream van you can have a coffee/cake and gossip and the children can play, you can take your dog as well. I used to do this with a friend, 20 years later the park is now a club or a holiday.

I get you feel life is slipping away and you're being left behind but you're still young at 34. Go out and enjoy life.

I get it, OLD is soul destroying - take a break from it, and just start to enjoy your life as it currently is. Join a running group, gym classes, hobby classes, whatever you're interested in and just take the pressure off it all.

It's hard to imagine a future different than what you wanted or expected but start to create a life that you will be happy with whether a DH and kids happens or not. An upside of that is it will make you instantly more attractive with a full and happy life if you do eventually meet someone.

I'm in a very similar boat to you, early 30s, friends are all married with kids, and the ache of not having that nuclear family is sometimes hard to bear. But, and this is no consolation, you don't know what situation these people will be in 10 years down the line so living a life of comparison isn't helpful.

OP, as someone who is in a similar boat, albeit not been single as long and genuinely enjoy my single life, here are my top practical tips:

1. If you definitely want children, freeze your eggs now. At your age, you need to freeze 15-20 eggs for a reasonable chance of a live birth using the eggs later in life (your fertility doctor will be able to give you more detail on this).

2. EXERCISE. This has been transformative for me and given me so much direction. I exercise 6 days a week - usually exercise classes (barre, pilates, HIIT, yoga) and lots and lots of walking. You feel fantastic, if you combine it with healthy eating you will look fantastic and toned, and seeing yourself progress will give you a real buzz. I love how much better at things I am than when I started - faster, stronger, more flexible. Movement is medicine.

3. Spend as little time as possible at home moping and get out there - cinema, theatre, exhibitions, group events, walks in nature, day trips to other towns/cities. There’s so much to do in life, don’t waste it wallowing in self-pity.

What type of men are you going for in terms of race, height and career they have.

I've just been broken up with at 34 and EVERYONE is engaged, married or with kids. I dont even know if I want all that but I feel so at odds with everyone. Its like being a bird when everyone is a fish.

That was me in my late twenties
I was desperate to meet someone. I just wasnt happy. I went to counselling and honestly its so cliched but i wasnt even looking and net nt now DH 3 weeks before my 30th birthday. Therapy changed my perspective/ happiness and life. Thats what i would do go to therapy and sort your emotions/ feelings etc etc good luck

Smells like incel.

Aw you sound like such a nice and level person from what you’ve written OP, I hope the responses you’ve got here have helped, lots of awesome advice! Just to throw my own idea in, maybe optimising travel would be a good idea, and travel in the sense of an extended period of time travelling or looking for a job somewhere abroad that’s an exciting/different place to live - or if that sounds too much maybe relocating in the UK? I’ve always wanted to try living by the sea but when you have kids and get settled it feels a lot harder to uproot everyone on a whim - you don’t have that problem you can go wherever you like! And a new start somewhere and making new social connections could end in you meeting someone new that you’re interested in!

It isn't fair of your friends to say you don't need a man, that you should thrive on your own. There's this idiotic idea that to be a feminist you must loathe men and yearn to be single. If a man comes along, well, maybe endure him for a bit, but if he does anything wrong, out he goes and then back to the bliss of a single life with friends. It's ridiculous.

We do put too much emphasis on romantic relationships, I think. And as a consequence many people end up miserable. But that doesn't mean all relationships are shit. Relationships should be one option among many. If someone feels happier single, then great. If they're lonely and crave love and intimacy, then we should support them in their search. And if they meet someone they love and want to commit for life, then great. If they want to be celibate, then great. It really doesn't matter. The whole point of feminism is that women should be free to choose. They should be as free as possible to live their in a way that suits them and makes them happy.

i think she was looking for an OK person.

You can’t force feelings, fussy or not.

Indeed

Just wanted to thank you all once again for your kind comments and advice. I think I am going to give the OLD a rest for a bit- it’s ruining my self esteem. I agree that I need some therapy, mainly to stop me from catastrophising and managing my feelings a bit better.

Thank you also to the poster who mentioned travel, I’m going to look at doing some travelling abroad and open up my life a bit (I know that sounds a bit cliche)

Thank you all once again xx