So unhappy being single

[desolatesingle]

Please be kind- I’ve changed username because I’m embarrassed at how unhappy I am.

I have been single for 8 years, after breaking up with a long term partner because he kept delaying getting married and having children. I know that’s not everything in life, but it’s what I want- and how I imagined my life.
Since then, I’ve not had any relationships. Men either chat to me for a bit, then ghost me, aren’t interesting, or I go on a date and they are weird or there’s just no sexual connection.

All my friends are either engaged or married- a large number now have one or two children. I spend a lot of money and time celebrating (gladly may I add!!) their life events. The going out socially is starting to dry up, so I’ve tried throwing more into online dating.
I have an extremely successful career, I think I’m fun to be around, lots of hobbies and friends- to the outside, my life is pretty perfect, and for those things I am seriously grateful.

When I’m at home, I’m incredibly lonely, even though my life is busy. If I try to speak to friends about it, they always give the whole “you don’t need a man to be happy” or “but your life is great as it is” or “better to be on your own than the wrong relationship” but they don’t understand how desolate I feel.

I’ve tried giving myself breaks from dating, I’ve tried throwing myself into dating and everything in between.

I recently met a man for a couple of dates, he seemed really keen and I thought, finally! How exciting! He ghosted me. It’s been literally the final rejection nail in the coffin.

I feel sick that this may be me forever, and the grief for the loss of the family I may not have is overwhelming. My mental health and self esteem is in tatters. I spend most of my time at home in tears because my home life is so empty. The recent ghosting has sent me completely over the edge. I don’t understand what is so wrong with me that no one wants me.

I’m sorry this is so chaotic, and I don’t really know what I want from this. Just somewhere to vent where I won’t be told how amazing my life is by friends who don’t really understand.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I can relate as I felt like this in my early 30s. I had some counselling and it was really helpful and it made me realise that it wasn't me that was wrong but for lots of different reasons it was the relationship. I also tried making peace with the fact that if I didn't get married and have kids I could still have a happy life. I also online dated like a demon, I changed websites every few months, I went on loads of terrible dates the counselling made me feel confident there wasn't anything wrong me, it was just not the right person and I carried on dating etc. I did finally make peace with the fact I might not meet anyone and then I did. So just keep hope, work on yourself I would really recommend counselling if you can afford it. It's tough but it's better to be alone than in the wrong relationship.

I hear you OP. It’s really tough.

im now divorced with a kid and over the dating thing.

but I remember how soul destroying it is when you want to settle down and have a family.

from your post, there’s a couple of things going on:

• You want a partner
• you want children

how old are you?

because if time is ticking, I’d consider dropping the partner goal and go straight for trying for a baby. I have a friend who has done this and is very happy. It’s tough but she’s loving it and still goes for dates!

my worry would be you do what I did. Married someone who I was keen on, but really wasn’t marriage ( or relationship!) material. I turned a blind eye to all sorts of red flags because I longed for a happy family.
he turned out to be a complete dickhead. I have lovely DC, so I’m glad about that. I just wish I’d skipped the husband bit!

I’ve since met someone nice.

I know lots of people will be on to say ‘it happens when you least expect it’ and maybe it does to some, but that didn’t happen to me. If I’d waited for the right man to come along I’d be childless.

Thank you very much for your kind replies.

I’m 34 now, so I appreciate not “over the hill” but I’m also not daft and realise that time is ticking.

Whilst I do have a good career, unfortunately I wouldn’t have the spare income to have a child alone. Running a household on my own during the COL has wiped out any margins.

And again, I am so grateful that I am in the position that I have my own house and a relatively good income, but I couldn’t afford childcare on that.

I think eventually you get used to the fact that you'll never have children. I wanted them, they didn't happen and whilst mother nature still tells me I can, I'm nearer 50 than 40 and the thought just doesn't appeal now. I don't want to be 65 when they start university, I want to retire by then.

I'm also single (6 years, with nothing serious in that time). I struggle with the loneliness too, most often at weekends. It's hard when you're friends are busy. I have cats and they're a great source of companionship.

I try and do things with friends like lunch during the week(most of my friends work from home) as it's easier to get a date in, and I'm always one of about six that stays out for work drinks. I'll meet a friend occasionally on a Sunday afternoon for a few drinks. Evenings are just a no go these days I've found.

I've filled my life with other things, I go to the gym, I go for walks and go for bike rides (it's getting easier with the lighter evenings). I also take my Mum to the garden centre or farm shop on a Saturday.

It's not how I had imagined my life to be, but it's what my life is.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you spend your time alone at home in tears and feeling sick that this is “it”. I am the same. Friends say unhelpful things like “I’d love to have some alone time”, not realising that the loneliness is causing me serious and debilitating mental health issues.

It sounds like you need to plug the loneliness gap at home first - to get yourself on an even keel - before taking another dip into dating. Here’s a few things that I’m thinking of, based from similar posts on MN:

• get a lodger or move into a house/flat share
• get a pet
• spend some evenings overnight with family if possible (I stay a night with my dad or sister when I feel really lonely)
• do some volunteering
• join a local sports club (I tried joining a nice gym but never met anyone, and figure a local club would be better)
• long term I am considering leaving London and moving somewhere smaller with a local community, ideally near the sea OR moving abroad for a bit

Sending you lots of hugs and hope for the future. If it all feels too overwhelming, focus on small steps and being kind to yourself

Sorry @Isitsummersomewhere I didn’t mean to sound dismissive of your advice. It is a route I’ve considered but I just don’t think will financially work (I don’t have any family support either)

Thank you @Latethirtieslondon , I have dogs, so they generally keep me on a even keel, and I do lots of hobbies based around them. But it’s not the same as human company (although they are great ❤️)

I’ve found the opposite- I live in a fairly small, semi rural place. It feels like my world is shrinking, especially now my friends are less keen or able to go out. I feel like I’m going to run out of men to be rejected by 🤣🤣🤣

Mumsnet seems to be obsessed with going it alone but I wouldn't recommend that if you are lonely now, I'm a lone parent (father not involved) single 7 years as I can't date as have my children with me full time and I am incredibly lonely, wish I was able to date and meet someone but can't do that when I don't get any time to myself. I wouldn't recommend becoming a lone parent and it's not exactly the answer to loneliness how many single parents do you hear saying they are lonely? It's very common so I wouldn't say have a baby alone

@desolatesingle ah that’s nice you have dogs, but I appreciate it’s not the same as a real life person living with you.

I live in South London and feel like everyone is rushing through / is so transient, so you never meet anyone properly. I’m 38 and most friends have moved out of London now, so I only have younger work colleagues to get a drink with during the week. Weekends are empty, although lots of cultural things to do solo when I have energy. I guess there’s no ideal place and maybe I’m romanticising living somewhere smaller! Feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat 😊

Don’t lose hope OP because sometimes things change very suddenly and quickly. Why do you think you are being ghosted? The men you are meeting - are they in similar to yourself? Age? Lifestyle?
Can you break down at what stage of the dating process things fizzle out? Do you approach men too?

How involved are you within the community? Is moving to a more populated area a possibility? Are your hobbies involving lots of human interactions/conversing??

I have been married since I was 18 (30 now) and have 3 Kids. I went to Uni and got my degree/masters while being a mom/wife. Kids are still young and most days I dream about ‘if only I did not have DH I could..’ or ‘if only I did not have kids I could…’. Kids are great, DH is a fantastic man and I have lots of extended family from both sides who support us. BUT I wish I could just be alone… we always want what we don’t have.

The furtherest I’ve ever got is three dates. Most men I match with, or get numbers off, chat for a few days then fizzle away. I’ve been on a lot of first dates which I’ve not been keen to re-see them romantically or vice versa.

The most recent guy was the first one I felt a “connection” with, if you like. Which is why his ghosting after a few weeks of normal conversation, and two lovely dates has tipped me over the edge of reason!!

I remember at your age - 30s - feeling a kind of sadness and restlessness and occasional loneliness being on my own. I think it’s very normal and you really don’t have to apologise for feeling like this OP. I think in your 20s and 30s there is a drive to want to have a sexual mate, it’s almost biological, even if felt in romantic terms.

The bad news is that you may never meet that “special someone”. Though MN seems to be always bursting with people who magically do and assure others they will too.

I know it sounds a bit cliche but you could also looking at yourself as that special someone. Love is everywhere including within oneself.

I have been single for most of my life and I think it was when I was older late 50s etc that I enjoyed it most. It helps if you pursue what you like to do and finding other things you love, art, sport, whatever floats your boat. If you are able to have a pet or two that can be nice as well. Men can turn up in 40s and 50s etc as a surprise but it’s more likely to be naturally doing things you like eg travel, rather than dating sites, and of course the outcome may not be children or a family life as such.

Also remember the expression “marry or not, you will regret it”. As well as “amor fati” (love your fate).

OP, you need to re assess what has happened. Three dates or few weeks of conversation sounds like lack of progression. Something is happening or not happening that may be leading them to make a decision that it isn’t going any where. Do you feel like you are good at dating? Confident even if not an open book, a little of a tease even if not overtly sexual, feminine even when assertive…while dating these things really matter…which leads me to how and where do meet these men? Do you have the same expectations (sex vs relationship)? Even if you are not 100% sure, you still have a hint of what is going wrong…so be honest, what are your instincts telling you? What is the commonality between the men that have ghosted you? Of course, that does not mean the men are not without issues but they are not here for a good telling off. In fact, it could be they are scared of confrontations or lack empathy so ghosting is the easier way (i.e too much of an Alpha male vs too much of a Beta male). Remember, even if they are no longer interested in you, you deserve respect and ghosting is just cowardly.

Finding a life long partner is not easy especially in current society when everything is about beauty, sex, money. It is important you remind yourself to keep going forward because eventually it will happen…

Firstly it's not you, I hate to do the blanket all men trope but OLD is full of flakes. There's no need to reassess or put blame on you for not being 'a tease' like the poster above has said.

I've done OLD, I'm confident, articulate, friendly, reasonably pretty, stable, still got ghosted, I only got past first date with one and he hung around for 7 months and was randomly for OLD actually a good man. The rest bar 1 didn't even make it to date 1 and he was a complete head fuck.

Before OLD you walked into a pub and saw someone you liked and flirted, got their number and went home, or you met at work or through friends. There wasn't this Candy Shop mentality. OLD has opened up a lot of doors but it's also increased people's expectations and the reality is you don't fancy every one you meet, there has to be that something that draws you to them. I always say this but I like tall, dark haired athletic men (think Apollo from Gladiators) they're 10 a penny in the gym but there's only one guy I fancy in the gym.

So many people are in the same boat with regards to loneliness. I wish there was something we could do.

I am 10 years older than you and completely understand how you feel. Is moving closer to a bigger city an option? I live in London and have found lots of events and activities to do solo and you can join local sports groups like park run that are very sociable so that I am not relying on my coupled up friends for things to do together.

I have two friends that are your age and they are finding the same with OLD so have given up. One tends to meet people through a sports club though.

I also think therapy is very helpful if you can afford it.

I get it OP when I was 30 everyone I knew was either a home owner, in a relationship that would have kids or already had them. Or various combinations.

I thought why not me?

But that wasn't where I was so I started changing what I envisioned my life would be. I gave serious consideration to moving back in with the parents in a pretty but boring place miles away but cheaper housing and I had transferrable skills, getting a cheaper house but filling it with animals and living a less conventional middle life.

I met H in a pub, no online dates, it was unconventional, very easy but intense (think whilst he kept his rented room he had basically moved into my rented room within three weeks), it was whirlwind, everything many people on here say you shouldn't do. (This clearly changes if you own your house you need to stay in control of that environment to some degree).

But I think my changing mindset helped that.

I understand you want marriage and kids but what if it just doesn't happen then what? No one can guarantee it will.

I was in a worse position than you at 30, didn't own a house, was thinking of moving away from everyone to try something else, had considered I wouldn't end up with a partner and kids and had given thought to differ ways of living, adopting an older school age child, fostering, perhaps moving into a more communal housing situation, training to be a secondary school teacher,basically filling my life with other people not a family in a household.

We don't all get what we want. Marriage and kids can be an endless source of joy and/or heartache and stress. Show me a conventional family with happy kids and I can show you equal unhappy marriages, only having one kid when they really wanted two, kids with ND and going off the rails, some single and renting at 50.

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith against all advice for things to progress. Or you might have to think about perhaps filling your life with people in an alternative way.

There are many routes to fulfillment don't get stuck thinking marriage and kids is the only one.

Thank you again to everyone who has given time to post.
I don’t know if I’m good at dating- I feel like I am, or felt like I was, but I’m really loosing confidence. I have a physical type, so most have ticked some or all of those boxes, but have all been quite different in other respects. Sadly none of them have looked like Apollo 🤣🤣🤣

I feel very disposable due to the online dating and it’s not a nice feeling at all. Although incidentally, recent ghoster I didn’t meet online.

I am going to have some therapy, as my mental health is going gutter way down and the whole situation is starting to make me feel extremely anxious for the future (which I know is catastrophising). I just feel guilty for feeling so bad, as I know there are people out there in terrible situations and this is such a benign issue, but it’s really ruining my life.

I’ve been single since I was 29, I’m now 44! A few short lived things in between but nothing serious. I do have a DD out of one of these but have been totally on my own with her. I totally get how you feel, around your age it made me feel awful. Now at 44 I’m much more at peace with it. I honestly don’t have any friends whose husbands I would want to be mine, they’re all pretty useless and don’t pull their weight. I’ve got friends who can’t even leave their husbands to do bedtime on their own. Many friends are now divorced too.
I know it’s easy to say but carry on with your hobbies and interests, give OLD a break, I’ve stopped using it as it is soul destroying. It’s not unusual to feel as you do. You might meet someone, you might not but you have your financial independence which is so important.

Online dating isn't the way to go ybh also it's a bear pit. What I would do is join hobby groups like park run, meet up and similar to widen your social network. This way you've got the opportunity to evaluate people in real life as friends before it develops into anything else. Plus you'll have active shared interests in common by joining hobby groups.

https://www.parkrun.org.uk/

https://www.meetup.com/

I can't offer advice only empathy. If you have good boundaries then it is difficult to meet someone because I think dating "standards" have dropped, which means dating isn't as much fun.

I hope you this low period is temporary for you.

OP, could it be that the fact that all your friends are moving on with their life and you seems to be in the same dynamic is affecting you more that the fact that you are single.
Sometimes we are our own despicable judge and tend to compare us with others and feel bad for something we would like but we don't have. It is not jealousy as such is the inpontence we feel because seem like we are stuck.
I would suggest to widen your circle, can you move? Is that an option?
Meet people on online groups that learn a language, go to hiking, do crafts, go sightseeing etc.
Have you considered some therapy, talk with someone may help to ease the feeling.
I know one thing for sure and it is that you shouldn't be felling like that at all.
All the best.

You said you've been on a lot of first dates

sounds like you've been fussy (nothing wrong in that) but unfortunately life has now passed you by.

thats the risk you take if you are looking for that "perfect person".

I wouldn’t say I was “fussy”, per se. As in, there’s things superficially I’m happy to overlook (for example, I prefer taller men, but that’s not something that I would prioritise) but I’ve just not had a spark or any sexual attraction to any of them/ some had red flags for days when we met in person.

I like to think I’m fairly open, but conversely, I don’t want my time wasted by someone who a) isn’t really that into me or b) doesn’t want the same things in life.

Life has passed you by - fgs she's 34!

I hear you OP. I’m nearly 34, child free and can relate entirely to your sense of hopelessness in regards to OLD and having everything in your life - bar loneliness - going well. I think these feelings can be heightened when a promising connection goes belly up. Coupled with the poor behaviour (from both genders I might add) on the apps, and it feels like psychological warfare out there. I don’t accept the poster’s analysis of how you’re using OLD. It’s awful out there and their comment is unhelpful IMO.

I’d like to offer a different perspective. Do you have any passions? Where does your mind go when you’re at leisure - and is there something to explore further there? I’m a great believer in when you’re doing the right things, the right people find you. Following a nasty break up at 31 someone close to me carefully listened to me outlining all my woes and said ‘Getit, you need a goal to work towards’.

I picked something that had been on my mind for months and committed to it. I’ve since made friends, traveled extensively and got fitter as a result. Plus pursuing this hobby has meant that I have 4/5evenings a week where i have no time or inclination to contemplate my r’ship status - or anything else for that matter. It’s early days but this goal has also put me in the path of someone who does the same hobby (and happens to be handsome and 6ft 2!). And honestly? if he wasn’t on the scene I would still have a lovely group of people who I see socially as a result of this passion I’ve formed.

So my best advice, in addition to some of the excellent pointers you have received, is to go for the big thing. The thing that distracts you in work. The thing that scares you a little. Because it might be the making of a life you are dreaming about - or it might bring more brilliant people/person into your already lovely life.