I've had a lot of threads about DH's parents. I'm trying to be concise here, but they've got stranger and stranger as they got older. His mum was fine with me until we got engaged... We took them out to dinner to tell them, and she absolutely ignored the news. Stayed stonily silent and changed the conversation after a few minutes.
When we got married, she made the groomsmen late crying to them about how it wasn't the wedding she'd envisioned and she was losing her son, and then left early. They sent us multiple daily messages and asked DH to go to family meetings often to talk about why we were letting them get so old before we made them grandparents. On our honeymoon, MIL called DH all the time and got wider family to send texts saying she was "worried he was dead" when he didn't answer. When we got home, we opened the curtains the next morning to see her standing against the window, because "she needed to see DH."
They didn't seem thrilled at our pregnancy news. They got quite overbearing and his mum was upset we didn't find out what we were having, so we got constant phone calls and texts about why we weren't finding out, and how much it was ruining their experience not to know. When I was in labour, hospital security made DH go downstairs and tell them to go away, as they were trying to get into the ward. They later told us it wasn't the first time they'd shown up... DH almost missed me being airlifted. They called him constantly after they left, even knowing I was in labour. He had 55 missed calls inside two hours.
We kept them more at arms length after that, but they were still strange, turning up when we said we were busy, parking opposite our house to "see" us, leaving flowers outside the door with a card "from" my dead parents. We tried to see them every two weeks or so, but it was very awkward. They don't like DS' name, and MIL couldn't stop mentioning it and suggesting other things. She constantly referenced being disappointed he wasn't a girl. They'd try and put chip in his mouth from 3 months (because he was "hungry"). MIL has a contagious illness but wouldn't not kiss him when it was flared up, so DH used to carry him in a carrier to avoid having to pass him around... but they'd constantly make a big deal over it.
It came to a head when DS was 11 months old, and we went out for lunch with them at a pub to celebrate his birthday. We were 15 minutes late - very annoying, I appreciate, and I kept them fully up-to-date, but we had a nappy emergency - and when we arrived, MIL was already annoyed. She told DH he was an awful son, and DH said he was at the end of his tether and didn't know if the relationship was saveable, but that he was willing to try one last time. She shouted a bit and stormed out, and FIL stayed and argued with us both. In the end, he told us we'd be divorced in no time, and that only me and him had any sense so we should do the talking and keep DH and MIL apart. He then left. It was horrific, pub staff kept coming over to check we were okay (and presumably stop the shouting!) and DS was overwhelmed and baffled. DH took a few days to settle down.
Me and DS haven't seen them since then, with the exception of them turning up on our doorstep once, which ended up in an argument again. DH went to see them in January, and hasn't had the desire to go back since. They've sent presents for DH & DS for various occasions since, and they are all downstairs unopened. DH's choice.
They've started to message DH again about how we need a family meeting to find a way forward that is "acceptable to everyone", because although they acknowledge they went over the top with calls and texts, giving us space only seems to mean they haven't seen us at all, and they'd now like to "get to know" DS. DH has replied to say he'll try and see them soon, but he's busy with a family and a full-time job, and fed up of the constant message strings. He's told me he doesn't want to go.
I'm concerned that he'll fall back into his usual way of keeping the peace, and expect me to allow access to DS. I think they're toxic and nothing good comes of introducing grandparents now, when DS would notice when they disappear again. He doesn't have any grandparents - my parents are dead - so it's not a decision I've taken lightly, but I genuinely think it's the best one.
I also don't want to see them. They make me feel anxious beyond belief. I don't believe they're sorry, they've never told me that they are, and they acknowledged to DH that they knew a lot of what they did was making me uncomfortable but did it anyway.
Do I need to allow this? At what point can I say that we're done, at least until DS is old enough to properly understand?
DH's master plan appears to be that we're exploring moving abroad, and therefore wouldn't see them much because we'd be further away, and MIL doesn't like being hot, so we could probably get by with a week or so a year... but it's not imminent by any stretch.