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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Listening to each other’s problems…

25 replies

Fenimore · 12/04/2024 09:42

Me and DH been together years. About 10 years ago he was being bullied at work. Was an awful time for him. He used to come home and off load every night. He was anxious and depressed and drinking to cope. I used to listen, offer alternative takes on things, suggest solutions but he never took advice or couldn’t see a way forward. It was an awful time but it started to rub off on me. Used to dread him coming back from work and have to hear about it all. It was exhausting. This went on months and I had 2 small kids to manage so one day told him I couldn’t listen any more. I was drawing a boundary I suppose.

Eventually he changed jobs and is in a better place but he’s never forgiven me for shutting him down. I am now having a hard time at work but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to hear about it.

on the one hand I know when he was in a bad place I could have just let him rant because sometimes that’s all people want but I am a bit if a problem solver. However the constant trauma dump was too much.

I am angry at his attitude now though. It feels so mean to say I’m not listening to you because you don’t listen to me! Are we now not supposed to share concerns and worries?

Am I being unreasonable to expect support now or does he have a point?

OP posts:
ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 12/04/2024 09:46

I think you are being unreasonable unfortunately. The same feeling you have now is the same feeling he would have felt when you shut him down. He’s drawing a boundary like you did.
The problem is tit for tat can escalate.

Original poster
Fenimore · 12/04/2024 09:55

Thing is at some point I did say ‘I should have listened more’ and acknowledged it but he’s drawn a line which basically means neither of us discuss important problems with each other! That’s not healthy.

i need to find a way to tell him that without it descending into a row.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 12/04/2024 09:59

Are we now not supposed to share concerns and worries?

But when he was unwell and struggling you told him to stop talking about it. It can be overwhelming but you could have told him how you felt and you needed a short break from it. Not withdraw completely.

In sickness and in health and all that. He must have felt very let down and scared. I kind of get where he’s coming from.

AllPaws4 · 12/04/2024 10:09

The OP listened to him for months with him taking no responsibility for changing anything and I bet withdrawing from family life because he couldn’t cope. TEN years later he’s still holding a grudge?
I would be having a good hard look at what the whole relationship looks like now and asking myself whether this total shut down now was reasonable ( it’s not) and something I was prepared to put up with for the rest of my life. It’s a convenient way to skate over life and take no responsibility. Is he the same about family issues or is all of family life all your problem as well?

Imicola · 12/04/2024 10:12

I had a similar issue with my DH a few years back, and for various reasons his offloading of work related stress became too much for me (there were other pressures going on, and it was all linked and very difficult). I had to tell him this, and he respected my feeling that I wasn't able to handle all of it. He's never held that against me though. So I think its obviously not ideal for one partner to have to put that boundary in, but it is equally not fair of your partner to not recognise that things change over time, and our ability to take on others problems is sometimes reduced, as it was at that point.

Original poster
Fenimore · 12/04/2024 10:13

No the rest of family life is fine. He will discuss stuff to do with kids etc. it’s just work stress is off the table. Doesn’t want to hear it.

he is a very rigid thinker though. And stubborn.

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 12/04/2024 10:13

He's a drip. I can't imagine a grown man allowing himself to be bullied and then coming home and crying about it like a wet wipe.

It's one thing to have problems but to do absolutely nothing about them even when offered advice is beyond pathetic.

I don't blame you op for putting a stop to your cry baby husband banging on.

But knowing that he is feeble it's a bit daft of you to expect him to offer up any support or advice when he can't cope with his own worries.

refreshingseahorse · 12/04/2024 10:14

You listened for a long time before you said you couldn't do it any more. So you should (in theory) at least get that long a period of venting to him before he says no.
I struggle with listening to repeated venting, it makes me anxious, so I can see why you ended up saying enough was enough. A rough day here and there is fine but every night for months is more than most people can take.

Original poster
Fenimore · 12/04/2024 10:14

You don’t think men can be bullied?

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 12/04/2024 10:18

Fenimore · 12/04/2024 10:14

You don’t think men can be bullied?

I said I can't imagine a grown man being bullied and coming home to cry about it to his wife. Night after night. What a massive turn off.

Imicola · 12/04/2024 10:20

DrJoanAllenby · 12/04/2024 10:13

He's a drip. I can't imagine a grown man allowing himself to be bullied and then coming home and crying about it like a wet wipe.

It's one thing to have problems but to do absolutely nothing about them even when offered advice is beyond pathetic.

I don't blame you op for putting a stop to your cry baby husband banging on.

But knowing that he is feeble it's a bit daft of you to expect him to offer up any support or advice when he can't cope with his own worries.

Wow, you sound like a lovely person.

DrJoanAllenby · 12/04/2024 10:27

@Imicola thank you. I am.

Baycitystroller · 12/04/2024 19:17

You sound like a horrible person actually. How nasty. The PP not the OP

somptuosité · 12/04/2024 19:20

Pay for a work coach you get better results.

Skillest · 12/04/2024 19:28

"Two wrongs don't make a right", as the saying goes.

It wasn't OK that you were not there when your husband needed you. It isn't OK that he's not being there for you now. That doesn't make it right though.

I think you are both thinking too black and white. Maybe you/he can't manage with full-on dump-and-run off loading. But there is a lot of middle ground between that and no support. What you and he are guilty of is not talking and agreeing on a middle ground.

Can you explain to him that he's every right to hold a boundary for his own wellbeing, but could he think about it being some tolerance, rather than zero tolerance?

tarheelbaby · 12/04/2024 19:37

If you are struggling at work, I hear you. I have always found work tricky.
Would your DH have any practical solutions? Would you even want to hear them?
DH and I did not off-load much about work because we worked in different industries and it was too nuanced. That said, can he not hear a few 'headlines' from your troubles? Does he know the names of the key players? Did you know the names of his? If we had met any of my characters socially, DH would totally have known who they were and considered his conversation carefully.

DixonD · 13/04/2024 00:43

DrJoanAllenby · 12/04/2024 10:27

@Imicola thank you. I am.

No. You’re not.

Cazza2024 · 05/11/2024 06:28

I’ve been harassed at work and it’s awful. Being harnessed affects you mentally but has terrible consequences for your physical health too. However, constantly trauma dumping isn’t healthy for the person on the receiving end. I sought therapy to help me when my situation got very toxic. I don’t know if it’s possible but if might be worth explaining to your husband what trauma dumping is and how you felt at the time with the other stressors you were experiencing. It’s unfair to expect anyone (friend, partner, family member) to absorb your problems 24/7. I only learned about trauma dumping in the last couple of years so he maybe unaware of the effects it had on you. I rarely disclose my problems to people now and I seek therapy when needed.

category12 · 05/11/2024 06:40

I guess he resented you for shutting him down, and now it's sauce for the goose.

But obviously tit for tat is not a healthy way to deal with the past or present.

I don't think you were unreasonable to want a respite to listening to it and it's not ok to use your spouse as your emotional dustbin for months on end. But he probably felt like the rug was pulled out from under.

Maybe relationship counselling?

BigDahliaFan · 05/11/2024 07:47

@DrJoanAllenby you really aren't a nice person.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/11/2024 07:52

There's listening to one anothers problems which is a good and necessary thing for any close relationship. However I agree that there is using another person like a kind of emotional dustbin which becomes unsustainable over time and harmful for the dustbin person.

Perhaps I'm in the minority but I don't think you were unreasonable to reach a point where you couldn't tolerate this any longer and put up some boundaries. Do you feel you gave him warnings that your endurance was running out? People can be very good at ignoring this.

He sounds extremely petty for refusing to even try to support you as revenge for you no longer being able to cope at that time.

Geranen · 05/11/2024 08:46

This was ten YEARS ago, and after all the support he got from you, he now won't listen to you at all?

Why doesn't he see/ remember the nights and nights you did spend listening, before it got too much? If he's so tit for tat, why don't they count for anything?

He's vindictive and petty. I'd find it hard to be reconciled to that.

@category12 as far as sauce for the goose goes, if a woman on here said she was spending night after night venting at her husband (or anyone else) about a work situation without implementing any solutions she'd be clearly told to help herself more.

OP was he doing his fair share with said 2 small children at the time? Or fixating on his problems while letting you pull his weight?

FairyPoppins · 05/11/2024 08:53

This thread is 6mths old, hopefully OP has managed to resolve the issues causing her stress... but I mainly wanted to say is it any wonder that men commit suicide when there are people like @DrJoanAllenby in this world?

icelolly12 · 05/11/2024 09:02

He sounds like a perpetual victim

category12 · 05/11/2024 12:26

Geranen · 05/11/2024 08:46

This was ten YEARS ago, and after all the support he got from you, he now won't listen to you at all?

Why doesn't he see/ remember the nights and nights you did spend listening, before it got too much? If he's so tit for tat, why don't they count for anything?

He's vindictive and petty. I'd find it hard to be reconciled to that.

@category12 as far as sauce for the goose goes, if a woman on here said she was spending night after night venting at her husband (or anyone else) about a work situation without implementing any solutions she'd be clearly told to help herself more.

OP was he doing his fair share with said 2 small children at the time? Or fixating on his problems while letting you pull his weight?

Did you not read the rest of my post about it being OK to want a break from it and not being OK to be used as an emotional dustbin? 🙄

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