Am I the scapegoat child mom falling out with me

[Everchanging24]

I don’t want this thread ending up on social media as my family use it a lot and I’m worried.

My mom has fell out with me again this a thing that happens every 3 months sometimes longer. The family take sides and everytime it’s their side.
Basically I have four kids two are teens now sixth form and last year and one tween and one who’s three. In the Easter hols my mom went away she came back bank hol and said she was going out with my brother I’m from a biggish family so have a few siblings. I said ok and I invited them out the Wednesday she said they were helping my one brother decorate and they would visit me on Thursday.
I forgot on Thursday I had the dentist on the afternoon at 3 but my tween son had an appointment at 2.30 to get medication now his appointments if moved take months to get another one but I also really needed the dentist as had been in pain for three weeks and had to wait two weeks to even get an appointment and had moved it once already.

I asked my parents if when they come could they take my son to his appointment as they’re in opposite places and I couldn’t move either one and to drop him back to my second son. At this point she got really funny and asked me for petrol money which was £20!
They live ten mins away and the appointment was at most three miles away from my house so would be like a tenner.
I was annoyed by this point as I have just taken my mom out spent a fortune on us seeing a show and food and got her expensive earrings on Mother’s Day it doesn’t bother me it’s the principle.
So i questioned the £20 and she goes just pay it to your stepdad to keep him quiet.

So then she sends a follow up msg they have decided not to visit me at all and would just collect my son take him and bring him back just to point out my moms in her fifties and dad early sixties not 80 year olds. I could tell by the msg she was being funny which I’ve had to deal with so many times over the years they’re either nice as pie or like this and it’s draining.

So I said why you being like this if you don’t want to do it I will sort out something else you said you were visiting and now you’re not. Then she goes off and says it’s all one sided with me and I haven’t seen her since she came back from her holiday she had been back three days and the first day she was seeing my brother and the second day my middle son had a hospital appointment an important one in the middle of the day and I had to take the younger two with me to that as it was so I couldn’t of gone on the Tuesday and weds she turned down my offer to meet for lunch.
So I said how is it one sided I’ve got a child with disabilities and I have a neurological disorder myself so cannot always visit her all the time because I get bad days and days I cannot drive anywhere so I don’t visit as much as I used to as I’ve had relapses the last year.
I got really upset and wound up and she told me to F off and blocked me and when I say blocked like totally off everything even just her standard moblie.

So anyway I left it and I contacted my brother a few days later and he told me I needed to say sorry for what I’ve done as I was out of order once again the same old stuff I always get and I said I’ve done nothing wrong here she got funny over nothing again and he told me I need mental help and told me to go away . I know they had been together a lot the previous days so had been talking like allies I’ve had this treatment years by them all and I always have to say sorry even when I’ve done nothing just so everyone talks to me again but this doesn’t happen with the others it’s just me always me.

I feel like my siblings say and do what they like and my mom never comments when it’s them. Now all my siblings have not spoken to me over this I know it’s this they totally ignore me like k don’t exist and it was like this as a child too I was always the one that was the punchbag and this argument has made me realise that.

I am close to my mom usually but I get tired of it they say they want to help me but it’s like I have conditions with the help they give they babysit once every few months if that anymore it’s not like I ask all the time then I would get it. I feel so alone in my own family I feel like I’m there for them but no one is there for me or asks how I am. Non of them even got my kids an Easter egg and I’m the only one with children in the family or even said happy Easter nothing. I feel like they all must hate me deep down but we only speak for my moms sake when I do love them all.

Even when my moms in the wrong I have to say sorry everytime as I hate being the outcasted one.

sorry this is long but I don’t have many friends I have one who half gets it she saw my upbringing and that I was always kind of bullied. What do I do ?

There's a lot to unpick there!

Is it always this complicated?

Do you want a relationship with them or would be happier not to have one?

Sometimes it’s ok for a while but this does happen every few months but she only does this to me she’s never blocked the others if they have words.
I think I’ve always known I get treated different in that way but I’ve realised it’s always been like this and I’m the shunned one or get blamed.

I don’t know how I would cope not having them in my life as my world is small really. It’s been a week now of no contact and I couldn’t anyway as I tried to text and then I rang and it goes to voicemail so I’m totally blocked. She text my one son and asked how he was other than that not heard off any of them.
As the days go by I feel myself getting more upset and how my brother spoke to me and called mental he only got one side of the story. Why would he say that it’s really upset me this time.

your siblings are on a pedal stool so can’t relate to your experiences.

in your shoes I’d never ever ask them for help and minimise how often you see them and the length of time you see them. Take a step back.

This sounds awful.. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
The good thing is that you recognise that you are not being treated equally.
This is your first step in recovery.
You need to make your world bigger.. stop seeking solace and love where you may/ may not find it.
It's amazing how powerful it is when you have a happy life and you are unaffected.
In the meantime, whilst making your life and concentrating on you, your children and friendships that nourish you, withdraw in the nicest way possible.
Drama and arguments feed into their story about you.
So don't get upset, act a role, be kind, be lovely, limit their time but give them nothing to remark on.

Yes I’ve made peace with the fact of not asking for anything anymore as then nothing can be used against me. As my siblings favourite line is look what they do for you and your kids.
When my kids were younger I worked so they had them a couple of days a week etc but that’s been many years now. They have my younger two now and then I think once each since Christmas which isn’t a lot but I don’t expect it.
I get pip now so don’t work but they even take the mick out of my illness sometimes especially at family meals etc like we wish we didnt have to work or will make fun of me I walked out of one crying last year then they said we were only messing about why you crying.
So I decided then to stop going to family meals. I guess it’s just I’m used to this and always sorry but I don’t want to say sorry this time. I know soon my oldest brother will be on the phone telling me I’m upsetting her and keeping the grandkids away which isn’t true she just hasn’t asked to see them but it will be spun like that.
Im trying to plan ahead of what to say to my older brother.

Thank you for your kind words I think I need to separate from the dysfunction you’re right.

Yes, you are being scapegoated.

Ultimately, whatever you do, your mum will find fault in it.

But it's up to you whether you engage with this or not.

I would reduce contact significantly. And use the gray rock method. Don't get dragged in. If she's being 'funny', just ignore it and distance yourself. Don't react to it.

Try spending some time without talking to her at all, and see how your moods change. I suspect that the relationship is causing you quite a lot of anxiety and stress on a regular basis.

I'd try and get some time and emotional distance to examine this objectively. What do you get out of this dynamic? How does it make you feel? What level of contact would feel comfortable for you?

Tell your brother she hasn’t arranged to see them but she’s more than welcome to. You’ll let her arrange things.

I'm so sorry your mom is doing this to you. She's totally in the wrong.

I have a difficult relationship with one of my grown up dc. We clash a fair bit. But I never involve their siblings. In fact I ensure that my other children maintain a good relationship with them so that they have support. It's totally unfair and nasty to turn your siblings against you

Thank you all for your reply @vidflex this always happens then eventually if I’m not going totally out of my way to make amends they start contacting me again saying she’s upset and hasn’t seen the kids.
They also demand I say sorry despite not being involved but even if they had my side they will still take her side I think anyway.

I hate how it’s me against them I left home at 16 to get away from it all. I feel today I am past caring anymore I do love my mom and stepdad but I think he thrives off it too tbh.

I will try to keep my distance if and when we do speak eventually. I’ve already stopped going to family meals and events since last year just brings it all back each time it happens how I was always blamed I remember once we all got nits and it was decided I was the carrier so I got grounded lol

Fed up today but just done my housework and did meal prep for tonight’s dinner. Thanks all it helps to air this.

This is REALLY toxic and unfortunately you can't fix it. You're not the problem. Not only is this true of you, its the name of a book released this week by 2 psychotherapists who are experts in narcissism and family abuse, I'd highly recommend you read it.

Also have a look at the Stately Homes thread here, lots of people with dysfunctional families supporting each other, and there's a list of really useful resources in the first post.

Thank you as I do doubt myself with being in the wrong with it. The good thing is I’m recognising it now and am working hard not to scapegoat any of my children and encourage them to there for each other.
My own parents did not encourage good sibling bonds and it’s took me this long to realise. I will check out the thread thank you.

Sounds like you might be struggling with organising your appointments and things have snowballed from there and the stress that you were under over it, combined with 3 weeks of tooth pain made you blow up. How did you being "really upset and wound up" manifest itself? You say she told you to f' off which seems an exteme reaction, but have not said if there was something that prompted that. If my mother told me to f off, I would, and be quite fine with never seeing her again, that's not how family should talk to each other.

I just said she was being out of order and got upset and she goes oh F off. I didn’t swear or anything or shout. I’ve been under a lot of stress recently in general with my sons and their health. It’s been one after the other.
That’s how my family deal with things my mom especially will just shut down if she doesn’t want to hear it.