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Original poster

AIBU for ghosting or am I being stalked

11 replies

stressyandmessy · 11/04/2024 22:45

First time poster and looking for advice please.

I separated from my DH last year after 7 years and was quite distraught. After 3 months I met up with a guy who is an old school friend for a drink and we ended up sleeping together. He knew I was recently single and in a bit of a mess mentally. We texted a few times a week and slept together 1 more time but my life became more and more stressful. Work was hectic, solocitors fighting over house with ex-DH, trying to find somewhere new to live, mother in care being neglected and dog passing away. I tend to be quite avoidant when things get too much, isolate, and am bad at replying to everyone in my life.

He continued to message constantly asking for dates, saying how much he liked me etc. I tried to explain numerous times how stressed I was and that I wasn't ready for a relationship. That I needed space but he continued to message.

I set very clear boundaries, but he was messaging on every app, 4 or 5 in a row. Daily. Turned up to my house uninvited to drop presents off. Turned up to a family members house to drop more presents off. For valentines, I received a card saying he had always been in love with me, etc.

I've essentially just completely ignored him since January, and he's messaged now asking what he did wrong? I know it's cruel to ghost/ignore someone but I don't know how to face it. I think he's nice and maybe in 6 months I might be in a place to actually date but he has been so full on which has completely put me off.

How do I explain to him? Have I led him on? AIBU?

Help please!

OP posts:
yestheyhavethesamedad · 11/04/2024 22:53

Do NOT date him in 6months , you explained you were not in a position to be in a relationship just now and he ignored that boundary, he isnt a nice man and you do not owe him anything .look after yourself

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 22:58

I think it's worth sending him a letter explaining all this. I wouldn't get back together with him though.

Original poster
stressyandmessy · 11/04/2024 23:00

Thanks for your reply! I keep struggling with whether he IS a nice guy and I'm just too shut off/damaged to accept it. If I don't reply to him asking what he did wrong he will continue to message. If I do reply, I'm engaging with him which carries on the conversation.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 11/04/2024 23:00

I'd text him and say that you don't want a relationship and you want him to stop leaving you gifts and trying to make contact with you.
He sounds like he has the makings of someone quite concerning and hopefully he will receive the message clearly and if not, if he persists, you have it in writing that you've asked him to leave you alone, if you were to need to speak to Police. Essentially it doesn't matter if you were once interested in him, you've changed your mind and that's fine and he needs to accept it.

Zola1 · 11/04/2024 23:00

I'd text him and say that you don't want a relationship and you want him to stop leaving you gifts and trying to make contact with you.
He sounds like he has the makings of someone quite concerning and hopefully he will receive the message clearly and if not, if he persists, you have it in writing that you've asked him to leave you alone, if you were to need to speak to Police. Essentially it doesn't matter if you were once interested in him, you've changed your mind and that's fine and he needs to accept it.

Original poster
stressyandmessy · 11/04/2024 23:34

Zola1 · 11/04/2024 23:00

I'd text him and say that you don't want a relationship and you want him to stop leaving you gifts and trying to make contact with you.
He sounds like he has the makings of someone quite concerning and hopefully he will receive the message clearly and if not, if he persists, you have it in writing that you've asked him to leave you alone, if you were to need to speak to Police. Essentially it doesn't matter if you were once interested in him, you've changed your mind and that's fine and he needs to accept it.

Thank you. I probably need to be more blunt. Do you think this is quite scary behaviour? I'm notorious for missing red flags, and part of me feels like he is just being nice. It actually feels pathetic reading it back and shows my people pleasing tendencies! Actually, thinking back, the second time we hung out, he offered for me to move in with him until I sorted a place out, which I just laughed at. I know the word gets thrown about quite a lot but possible narcissist and love bombing?

OP posts:
Zola1 · 12/04/2024 15:42

I don't know about labels but overall its weird for someone to be that persistent. It isn't normal or healthy behaviour and you don't need a label to acknowledge that someone so fixated and not picking up silence as a 'no thanks' is weird.

spacehoppercommuter · 12/04/2024 15:48

No no no. A few things:

  1. You are NOT ghosting him. Ghosting is when you completely vanish from someone's life with no explanation when everything is going apparently well. You didnt do that- you explained to him you werent ready for a relationship, therefore you arent ghosting him.
  2. He is NOT a "nice guy". He doesnt respect your "no" and he is crossing your boundaries left right and centre. Going to the house of your family is flat out creepy and stalker behaviour
  3. He is not in love with you after such a short time. This is love bombing and a clear sign of a severe personality disorder.
  4. Dont respond to any more messages as that will just teach him that it takes 20 tries to get a response from you. Send him one last message clear, short, and to the point telling him to leave you alone, you dont want a relationship with him and if he contacts you or your family again you will contact the police.
  5. Contact the police if he doesnt listen to the above. This is seriously concerning.
TedMullins · 12/04/2024 15:52

Nothing he’s doing is nice, it’s harassment. I honestly would consider calling the police in your position if he doesn’t pack it in. You told him where you were at - if he was a decent person he would have accepted that and dealt with any disappointment he felt privately.

CoffeeAndEnnui · 12/04/2024 16:01

If you feel obliged to reply (you're not) you could just refer him to your earlier messages:

I told you I was stressed, overwhelmed and not ready for a relationship. I set boundaries that you ignored. I needed you to respect those boundaries but you wouldn't. Now I need you to hear me say no.

No. I have nothing further to say.

waterrat · 12/04/2024 20:10

Suggesting you move in with him when you barely knew him is emotionally unstable behaviour

Why ON EARTH would you talk about dating him in the future when he has made you feel so uncomfortable and has completely ignored normal boundaries??

You haven't led him on and owe him nothing - you aren't ghosting him either. Block him on everything.

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