Inappropriate crush

[Cherryblossomgirll]

I've had a crush on a man at work for years. I used to see him every day and it was torture. I moved department so still run into him occasionally but it's nowhere near as hard - I go much longer now without thinking of him. I even tried to cut ties completely by removing him from social media. He asked me about this when I ran into him and asked if he'd done anything wrong. I was a big wimp and said 'oops my mistake' and re-added him.

Today our paths crossed but I was in a group and had to go to a meeting. He smiled at me and called me the nickname he used to call me and said he'd come and see me soon. I absolutely melted.

I'm in a happy long term relationship and have a small child - this crush is nearly 2 decades older than I am and here I am agonizing over whether he likes me because he called me pretty that one time. What is wrong with me? Why can't I shake the feelings off? Rationally I know we would never work but I struggle to let go of wondering what could have been. My confidence is quite low so maybe it's a case of wanting to be wanted by someone different. Will it ever go away? It's been nearly 5 years and while the intensity comes and goes, it's scary to think that I may live with it for even longer.

I’m sure he’s getting a big thrill from being fancied by someone so much younger. Remove him from SM for good, and if he asks it’s because you’ve had a good clear out.
Don’t let this ruin what you have.

Can you start looking for another job OP?

I even tried to cut ties completely by removing him from social media. He asked me about this when I ran into him and asked if he'd done anything wrong.

He smiled at me and called me the nickname he used to call me and said he'd come and see me soon.

He knows you have a crush on him and is toying with you

You're a plaything to him. A boost for his ego.

He doesn't respect you or he wouldn't do it.

Think of that whenever he says something.

He might come and see me today in my office and it's making me feel so on edge and distracted. I'm not sure how to act if he does come in?

Can you do some breathing exercises, keep yourself calm.

Something that might work as well: every time you think of him, or later when he's in your office, imagine the look on your partners face when you have to tell him you've cheated on him/are leaving him for this crush. Imagine the pain, the heartache. Imagine having to co-parent your child, not seeing them for days at a time. Imagine having to hand off your crying child to their dad and having to leave them behind. Imagine all the damage you'd do if you give into this crush.
It's a bit extreme, but it should keep you grounded and not get too carried away.

OP, I just wanted to send some solidarity as I've got a similar problem and know that 'on edge' feeling toooo well. I've also got a crush on a man 2 decades older at work despite me having a partner and kids. Crush is friendly and has dropped the odd compliment, which has fuelled it terribly. When he was away for a week I was SO MUCH more relaxed in the office.In your case it does sound more as if the man is aware and playing on it. Does he have a partner? I think PP advice is good, remind yourself of the reality of your/his family, and them hearing that you'd acted on this... it is like a cold bucket of water. And maybe think what is lacking for you that the crush is feeding? Are you bored / unfulfilled? I think that is my problem anyway. Trying to focus on life outside work more to cope.And grey rock if he comes in, respond neutrally, try not to over analyse the interaction and instead focus on something else that matters to you before/after he's been.

I think you might all be right that he is in fact aware. I'd be interested to know why you think this.

He's never all that open with his relationships though I know he's had a couple that haven't been that serious over the last few years.

@Crushproblems sorry you're going through the same thing, it's nightmarish. I used to dread the idea of not seeing him for so long but now it's very welcome.

OP, these work crushes are really very common and be careful, they're so often a complete disaster if acted on.

I think they are a huge sign of us needing to address something on ourselves.

Good luck, they can be horrendously intoxicating- I empathize.

I think he knows because it's usually pretty obvious when someone has a crush on you through the little things they say and non verbal communication - looks, blushes, stammering, blushing etc body language in general.

Imagine him with diarrhea and he leaves the bathroom door open.

Imagine an argument with him about how to load the dishwasher, even though he never does it.

Imagine him flirting with the next you at work, while you're at home loading the bloody dishwasher.

It's quite easy to get over these crushes if you go through these steps.

Arrested - I love your dishwasher focus ❤️

Here's my view, for what it's worth (as a man). This guy might not be what I'm about to describe, but it's worth considering...

Some men are really good at turning on the charm, just being nice, seemingly thoughtful, considerate, funny. They've learnt how to turn a head. They know what works. The older you get, the more you've learnt to hone your skill. Most men have no capability here so it's easy to stand out.

These men are very good at detecting interest. Extremely good. You might not think you're giving signals but you almost certainly are.

They love the ego boost, they love the attention. They won't do anything to discourage your interest, in fact they'll actively encourage it, regardless of whether they intend to do anything about it.

They will never talk about other relationships in case it interrupts in any way their enjoyment of your attention. They want you to think of them as available. And if you ask about their partner, you won't hear anything particularly glowing or complementary.

All of this behaviour may be just to get an go-boost, or may be to try and have some kind of relationship.

These men leave a trail of crushes behind them. Don't fall for it.

It's a sore point 😂

Arrested,

I love the possible window into your marriage you made 😂😂

I think all you've said makes perfect sense. I guess it's so weird to me that he would have no interest in me but still want my attention. If a man was interested in me and I only wanted to be friends I'm sure I'd just make it clear.

From what you've said, it's the fact that you clearly have seen very little of him in some time since you've moved departments, and you removed him from social media (before he asked why), BUT that when you saw him today, he was presumptuous enough to call you by a nickname he used to use, presumably when you saw more of one another, and dangled the carrot that he 'might come and see you'. I think that's pretty arrogant.

Even leaving aside your attraction towards him, and the fact that you 'melting' is probably not invisible, if this were purely a 'friendly colleague' situation and they hadn't bothered to stay in touch after you moved departments, I think it's pretty arrogant to start using a petname they used to use for you, and tell you they might come and see you. Not say it was nice to see you again, how were things in the new dept, and would you like to have a coffee during the week when your schedule allowed.

It suggests he's very comfortable in the knowledge that he's got the upper hand in this relationship, and that he thinks you'll be grateful for any crumb of attention, or sign of regard.

I'm not unsympathetic, because I think we've probably all been there once. But stand on your dignity a bit. I think thinking of him as totally aware of your feelings, and being incredibly presumptuous about you being thrilled and melty about him making an appearance in your office should make you feel a bit more cool about it all.

It's an easy ego boost for some people. Nothing is ever asked of them, and they get to walk around on the average Tuesday with the knowledge that someone in other department is aflutter with the hope they will stick their head round the door on their way to the loo.

This is honestly one of the most kind, helpful and non judgemental threads I've ever seen for something I thought I'd get bashed for a bit. Thank you all so much 💐

@Cherryblossomgirll as someone said above, lots and lots of people have been through this and it's so normal. It does sound like he's playing on it a bit, and it's not terribly respectful to do that, so hopefully that takes him off the pedestal a bit in your eyes.

It feels like it will never end when it's going on, but I bet we can all think of people we have felt huge longing for in the past and now couldn't give a fig about...

I think that's a much more helpful way of turning yourself off him than all the usual advice about imagining him on the loo. Because everyone goes to the loo, regardless of their attractiveness. But there's something infuriating and anti-aphrodisiac about someone taking your attraction for granted and being presumptuous enough to show it.

Cherry blossom

I'm too ashamed to even talk about my work crushes anonymously. They can make you completely mad for a time but in my experience we choose to fan the flames or to damp them down. I think crushes are a very internal experience and we can choose not to surrender to them as they are so often imaginative confections.
Sometimes I think we get very busy in life and suddenly an overwhelming thing like you describe can show us an aspect of ourselves we've inadvertently neglected. Like going out and leaving your back door open and lots of valuables lying around. Like a sort of not paying attention, a kind of drifting off in an addictive state.

You can see how familiar I am with this 😂.

Sorry, one more thing, being a new mum is a huge life change and can leave us vulnerable in ways we can't yet understand. Motherhood is such a social, cultural, psychological, physical bomb to go off and it can throw some of us out for years. I have seen some very stable people take it in their stride - but not me.
Having a baby can also trigger all sorts of very deep and buried issues from our childhoods. It's a heady cocktail. I think mothering a child can sometimes expose how effectively we were mothered. Being drawn to an older confident man is really understandable.
Look after yourself, you're working with a young child which is hard in itself.
A crush can maybe be an escape from the real fears of every day life.

I think he enjoys the flirting and tension, it makes him feel wanted, makes the day less dull and feeds the wank bank fantasies but I highly doubt he would know the true extent of your obsession as he strikes me as someone who flirts just for fun and so will have several women on the go to flirt with.

I think you crush over him as opposite to the road sweeper or the security guy because he has the finances to scoop/rescue you out of your relationship and life. He could afford to help you get a new life like a prince rescuing the beautiful girl in a fairytale. Additionally, with him being old enough to be your dad and with work dynamics it probably plays up to some psychological and sexual kinks with themes of authority, defying societal standards/smashing barriers to be together against all odds, again like a fairytale of a little pretty girl waiting to be noticed and rescued. Him choosing you will also give you status in society and validate you as you deem him perfect so his appproval of you must therefore mean you too are perfect.
Your dad was probably inconsistent with you in his affection if not totally absent.

If he wanted you, he would have done something concrete about it. He just likes the ego boost. You be your own hero and change your own life, nobody is coming for you you have to go and get it.

Look up limerance. It's a form of using fantasy to escape negative situations in our real lives.

@Allshallbewell2021 just wanted to say, your posts are really wise. I've been a bit 🤔at myself for the older man thing but what you say about attaching to someone confident and older when you feel unsure of yourself makes sense.

And I'm sure being seen that way is seductive for the older man, who may well be struggling with the ageing process himself!