AIBU fiance seems miserable all the time

[amyjane1989]

I am like two different people: one that is super happy. Love my children (even though they are going through the teenage years), love my job, love my friends and love life.
Then there is me that's around my fiancé - miserable, sad, strict with the children, irritated, stressed.
My fiance has been miserable since I started my new job - had a quiet wfh job before but now I go into a big office with travel and I love it! Finally having a career after a 15 year career break!
My fiance always seems miserable around us:talks in monotones, always criticises my children (his have left home now and rarely see him), rarely asks about my day even though I ask about his. I am affectionate with him, but he isn't with me. I have to initiate everything. He isn't very loving. He just always seems in a mood but always super happy with his friends or at work. They alll think he is patient, calm etc. Every evening my children annoy him.
For example, tonight I cooked tea but after eating only had 5 mins to get back onto a work call. So my 11 year old offered to wash up. It's normally my fiancé's job as I cook, but as he was still at work and I was keeping his dinner warm, my son offered to help out. Unfortunately when I got off my work call, all hell has broken loose... my fiance was miserable (no change there). I couldn't figure out why. I received the usual one or two word answers to even my open questions etc. when he left, my daughter explained that she had witnessed what happened. He moaned at my son for not drying up. My son explained he had washed up so felt he shouldn't have to do his usual chore tonight and that my fiance would dry up instead. My fiance didn't like that. My fiance moaned that nothing had been washed up right and it was rushed and the dishwasher was loaded in correctly... what he meant was the dishwasher wasn't loaded as he wanted it but my son had rinsed the dishes and cutlery. My son had washed the cups and crockery fine but not the colander or masher. My fiance just moaned on etc.
I ask him if he's ok and he says he is fine. He looks depressed. I try everything to keep the home nice and keep him happy. But little treats he likes etc but he always moans and complains and it's bringing me down and it's affecting the children. AIBU?
My fiance had an affair 4 years ago with a work colleague and nothing has been the same since. He's always looking out for my flaws rather than realising that he is the one with the problems. I had counselling and it was from that I realised that there isn't anything wrong with me. I am gaslighted and in a controlling relationship with someone that gets miserable before I go on a night out. Then he is always an asleep when I come home even if I know he went to bed ten mins before I got back as the children tell me. Why does he play games? I stay up to see him and hear about his night. He just seems to avoid me. It's clear he doesn't like my children - he said it's awful to have to put up with the way they speak him in his own home etc.
what should I do: stay or go?

@amyjane1989

Yes is this a possibility for a few months? If so you could pay your parents what you're paying him in bills whilst you sort out accommodation for yourself and your lovely sounding children. You absolutely SHOULD leave him not just for yourself but for your children's mental health.

Are there opportunities in the new job (congratulations BTW) for increase your hours or for promotion, therefore bringing in extra money. Do you get CMS for the children from their father - is that a possibility?

You do need to leave this selfish, critical, angry man though and as soon as you can arrange it. DON'T tell him you're planning this until it's pretty much a fait accompli.

Also did you put a lot of money into his house? If so consider getting legal advice about how you can register a financial interest. Have any receipts and/or bank statements available which could prove this in case you can make a claim. Again - don't tell him you're doing this until you've left/received professional advice. Good luck for a less stressful future. 🌹

Nothing positive here except that he is a fiancé and not a husband. End it now. Hard in the interim but better long term

What's the alternative to walking away from this and setting up on your own?

Putting up with his miserable behaviour, letting him drag down your children as well as you until they're old enough to leave themselves? Paying more and more money into a home you have no claim on?

Making a change is hard, but it will be worth it to have a peaceful home without him making everyone unhappy and the opportunity to find someone else who might just, you know, enjoy your company and give something positive back.

@amyjane1989 it would be most worthwhile taking legal advice. ETA; some solicitors will give a free 30 minute session, check within your area.

https://www.familylawgroup.co.uk/news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

You can't afford not to see a solicitor. Save up. Are you paying half of everything including mortgage?

He sounds dreadful: moody, miserable, critical, unfaithful, gaslighting, controlling etc. And yet you are wondering if you should stay with him or not??? Why would you want to stay with someone who is like this and who sucks joy from your life? Move out and go stay with your parents while you find somewhere else to live.

Stop paying half the bills right away. Save what you would have paid towards a deposit.
By "Half the bills" do you mean the mortgage too?Or just half the utilities?
Anyway, as you are engaged, and you presumably paid what you did because of his promise to marry, thinking that you would be entitled to a share in the property, and thereby adversely altering your position on the strength of his promise, it may be that you might have a claim on the house. Was it ever implied that you had a share or would acquire one if you paid half the costs?
Do go and see a solicitor. It may that it's too difficult or expensive to pursue, but you need to know.
In any event, this is not going to get any better, so you need to make plans to leave unless you decide to get married in order to claim a share in the house. That is only worth doing if you paid a substantial share of the mortgage and don't want to write it off as rent.

And I'm out.
I can't read these type of threads any more.

@amyjane1989 - if it is his house and you are not on the mortgage then watch yourself. He could legally kick you and the children out tomorrow, and the way he is behaving I would think he's not far off doing that.

Start saving up for a rental deposit, stop spending on his house except for bills, start looking at the housing market. Protect yourself and the children, and do it quickly.

I know, its actually infuriating that a seemingly sane and intelligent woman would put herself and much worse, her children in such a precarious and rotten position. I left my husband and was on the bones of my arse but I would literally have done anything rather than risk my children's well being or my relationship with them by shacking up with someone, much less a cretin like this. It is pathetic and worse, the OP actually stayed another 4 years after the affair/blinding realisation that he was a dickhead.

Remind me what first attracted you to this miserable controlling cheat? Time to move on, OP, this is doing you no good, I think you know it. Good luck