Am I a terrible parent?

[Moonbelly]

I was widowed last year. My H was estranged from me when he died, I kicked him out the year before due to his addiction issues and how badly and abusively he treated me in regard to them. The relationship had been rocky for two years before that when I first discovered his addiction and I left several times only to be persuaded he would reform. We could get our family back etc. we had two young DDs together. I have accessed counselling for us all, they are thriving in early primary and I do my best for them. About six months ago my “first love” got back in touch. We broke up because we were going different places for uni etc. we’d always checked in ever couple of years or so. We found there was still a spark and six months on we are meeting up when the girls are with their grandparents. But I come on here and step parents are slated left right and centre, women who move on are the worst and selfish. I guess I want to know would I be a terrible person if I eventually brought him around my kids with a view to having a partner again? Must I be alone, something I don’t like, for the next 10 to 15 years because of what their dad did? If I could persuade my best friend to buy a whole with three bathrooms and two kitchens I’d be set but I hate not having another adult in the house. I’m nevertheless in no rush to do anything and if the girls hated him then I would suck it up. But am I awful and not prioritising them for even considering it?

No, your ex is dead. He’s never coming back. Ignore what some people on here say. Usually it’s projection because they hate that their own ex has moved on. Or that they are convincing themselves that it’s totally worth it to stay completely single for 18 years for the sake of your kids who probably won’t even be that grateful to you. Move slowly though and there’s no need to move in together surely? Does he have kids? How old are yours? Make sure it’s a properly established relationship before he meets them and see how it goes from there.

You might technically be a widow but surely to all intents and purposes you were separated long before your husband died and you could easily have been divorced in that time.

I hope all works out well with your first love.

Oh I have no plans to rush. I have friends who come and stay quite regularly so was planning, when ready, to introduce him by bringing him along on days out and seeing how it goes from there. No rush to move in or anything like that and if md DD don’t get on with him then he doesn’t move in while they live with me. They need a home they feel safe in. He has no kids, mine are four and seven.

This sounds awful but I mostly didn’t divorce him because I thought he was dying and I thought it would be so much worse for everyone. He talked to the very end of getting clean and “making it up to me”. I couldn’t bring myself to take that hope away from him when he was so sick and all the rest of his actually family were countries away and not bothering to come.

I don’t think having a new partner is a problem, the mistake lots of women make is rushing to have the man move in and become a ‘stepdad’.

I worry about the balance of that too. I don’t want to rush anything and the last thing I or my DDs need is some horrifying revolving door of men. But they also have no dad at all. I try to make sure they spend time with my male friends - usually married to my female friends and the dads of their friends so they get time with men but it would be nice to “give” them a father figure. But very very complex.

That sounds really good and you should go for it. Sounds like you went through a lot and deserve happiness. Your girls will probably benefit from a good role model too (assuming he fits this description). The fact he doesn’t have kids makes it easier too as no need to navigate step siblings. Just take it slow and you will be good I reckon. Hope it works out for you.

Must I be alone, something I don’t like, for the next 10 to 15 years because of what their dad did?

No but your first duty is to your children, who have lost their dad.

That doesn't mean you should be alone, but it does mean you need to tread very carefully.

As above, I think it's rushing into living together that gets criticised.

There's nothing wrong in having someone in your life and moving on.

As for a male role model, the guy doesn't have to be live-in to be a worthwhile figure in their lives. And grandfathers/relatives and male friends are all valid.

The children don't necessarily want or need that. I know that I resented the step-dad I got lumbered with as a kid so that colours my view.

I'm sure for some people it works well, but I think too often it's a justification for what the adult wants, rather than child-centred.

I dated as a single parent and later got married. All worked out well.

The only thing I would say is that you have to take it a lot slower than you would any relationship pre kids.

When there aren't kids involved, then you can do whatever you like with a relationship really, the only people who will be hurt if it doesn't work out - are you and your partner. And that's OK because you're both adults and probably if you break up, then it's for the reason that the relationship isn't working.

With kids it's more complicated. If they have developed a relationship with someone in a quasi-parental role, particularly when there are complicated feelings about their biological dad, and then you split up it's so hugely disruptive for them because you're essentially severing a primary attachment. This is more of a problem the younger they are. So the first thing to protect against is a new partner settling into a quasi-parental role too early in the relationship - you need to be really sure that you're in the relationship for the long haul before you get anywhere close to this.

Pre kids, you can move in together as a kind of "trial run" for marriage - but if you have kids, then you can't move in together without that relationship becoming quasi-parental if it is not already. So again you need to be sure. I would actually if I could go back, my rule of thumb would be that if I was not ready to marry someone, I wouldn't move them in. DH did move in too early and it was great at first but then became an issue and I think we probably would have split up except that totally by chance, he got the option to take a job he really wanted in another city and I said go for it - if we're meant to be, we'll stay together. We did, spent a bit over a year being long-distance and then I moved with DC to be with him, and the timing was right at that point.

And the other thing to be aware of is whether the kids are actually comfortable with your new partner. Sometimes they don't feel comfortable with them for whatever reason. So it's a bit of a delicate balance, I would definitely try to keep them totally separate for a while, so you can screen out any obvious dealbreakers/red flags. Once you're fairly sure that things are stable, then introduce them but in a very casual way like he is a "friend" and on neutral territory.

If you are getting close to the point of moving in together then you can trial it (a bit) by doing extended weekend stay overs, holidays together etc.

He seems like a good and considerate man. He’s close to his siblings and their children. He’s also very level and optimistic which is quite different from my ex. I really hope it does work out, but sometimes it feels almost selfish. And mumsnet can be very oh you got a new partner that’s the cause of every problem your kids have.

This is so helpful. The absolute last thing I want is them to decide they love him and he’s important and it not to work out. They have already lost their dad. That would just be beyond awful. They do hang out with my parents a fair bit, I have a strained relationship with them but so far they are good to my DDs. We go on trips and holidays with my best friend and travel to see other friends in other cities so hopefully it will be quite natural to include him in the “roster” and see how that goes.

Yes, I think this is a good plan. Maintains a bit of distance/boundaries while allowing you to see that they do actually get on with him.

DH was an old school friend and old crush too :) Apparently I had better instincts at 16 than I did at 18 when I met DS1's dad (doh!!!)

Hoping I had better instincts at 16 than 22! I do want my girls to come first but it reassuring that it is possible to find balance.

You’ve known this man a long time and trust him? If you were taken ill and he had to look after your children for 3-4 hours ( once they knew him, not as a stranger) until your mum/sister/friend could take could you leave your dc with him? If yes to all then slowly and gradually introduce him to your dc, meet up for pizza , then maybe go to a play place, park. Meet up in neutral spaces so it’s not a man coming into their space straight away.
Wish you all the best for a happy future. Your ex’s life problems weren’t yours. Repeat the 3 Cs to yourself.

Normally the slagging off happens when things move too quickly and/or the parent puts their partner (male or female) before their kids.

Take your time, get to know him again, date and have some fun by all means. I'd wait a while to see the relationship is getting serious (and no, asking to move in, or getting engaged within 6 months is not serious,it's love bombing) and then slowly and casually introduce the kids. Days out, for a meal etc. Depending on how that goes , I'd move forward to more contact and interaction , including at my house. Any decent man will understand and be patient.

I’ve known him since secondary school, I sort of know his siblings(in that I haven’t had much contact with them when we weren’t together) we used to babysit his cousins. I would absolutely trust him with my children until someone they knew better could come over. The other day his cousins child was taken ill and he looked after the elder child while the little was in hospital. He’s not the world’s most driven man which really bothered me when I was younger but he’s independent and really family oriented. And my career is enough for me and my girls. I think yes, go super slow and hopefully I won’t be back her in ten years with grumpy teenagers and everyone telling me it’s my fault for having a relationship

You’ll probably have grumpy teens whether or not you have a relationship! It’s just that when a parent does happen to have a relationship it gives judgemental people a reason to blame them whereas there are countless threads on here about troublesome teens whose parents are together.

Just be mindful of your children's grief as it's only been a year. Their loss will still feel raw. For them a new man might feel like a replacement, even though you were not together when he died.

I left my husband years ago. 2 months after filing for divorce I ended up back in contact with my teenage crush whose marriage had ended just after mine. We were just friends for a while before anything else happened but we've now been married almost 3 years.
I left my ExH more than happy to be single but something bad other ideas for me and I've honestly never been happier!

Yes this is very fair. In practice both of them have talked about it sooner than me. In that my littles didn’t understand death at all, asked if she could get a new daddy from the shop and asked her best friend’s dad to be her daddy. He very kindly explained that he could be an uncle. My eldest hasn’t expressed views beyond wondering if I could marry a pop star she likes. So honestly I’m feeling very careful that I don’t give them the impression they “have a new daddy” and we talk a lot about how they have lots of people who love them including daddy but he has gone and left them his love.

That’s lovely. Maybe our teenage selves knew something!