Hi,
My boyfriend of two and a half years told me on Tuesday that when he went on his works Christmas due in December, that he ended up sleeping with somebody. He said he was blind drunk, he didn't even know her name, she just ended up in a taxi with him and a couple of the other guys and when they got back one thing led to another, she ended up in his room and they had sex for a few minutes and then he came around and realised what he was doing and told her to leave.
He said he has wanted to tell me every day but didn't know how to because he knew what it would do to me, but he is starting to think that he may have caught something from her and given me something. He says he thinks this because my periods have suddenly been messed up? And also, he is getting red and sore a lot.
I obviously confronted the fact that the only reason he told me was because he's afraid of being caught out because I recently said I was going back to the doctors for reoccurring thrush, I have been getting this for ages and we both went for STD checks the month before he cheated on me because of this and we both came back clear, so he knows that if I had another one and had something that i would know he has cheated.
He admitted it forced him to tell me but that he wanted to tell me every day before but he just didn't know how.
Anyway, I am absolutely distraught, I feel like everything has been a lie, I feel like I don't know him, I don't know myself, I've got signed off of work because I cannot cope with every day life, I'm not eating, barley sleeping, I don't know what to do with myself, I've got drunk every day since to numb the pain because it's too much to actually bare feeling right now. Our relationship was so good, I was so in love and I thought that he was too, he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with; we were even planning to try for a baby later on this year and he would have let me do it knowing full well what he'd done behind my back, he would have let me live a lie. I have so many insecurities about my body image and my looks and this is just going to get so much worse now, I already can't even look at myself. I keep asking myself and him why? What was I not doing or doing to make him do this to me, he says there is no reason and it's not my fault and it was just a mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life, he said he never imagined he would ever do this and especially not to me.
His words mean nothing to me right now, absolutely nothing. He is the man I loved with my whole heart, I showed him my most vulnerable sides, I completely let him in, he was my home, my safety, my person and he is the person that has broken me more than anybody on this planet.
I feel like somebody has died and every time the image of him being with somebody else comes into my mind, I keep not being able to breathe like I'm having a panic attack. My soul feels completely broken, my inner peace has gone, the world feels a different place to me now and everything I once knew feels like it didn't exist, I don't know how I will ever get through this pain, it's like emotional torture.
He is begging this not to be the end of us but I don't know how I could ever ever trust him again, I don't know how to like myself again, I don't know how to put the pieces of myself back together and I'm terrified. I love him so deeply that I don't know how to leave him but I also don't know how to stay either.
My future, my happiness, my stability and my inner peace as just been wiped, all for something that apparently lasted minutes and I can't get my head around that or make sense of any of it. Even if I decided to leave him, how would I ever put my faith in somebody else?
I did not see this coming, there were no signs, nothing to suggest he had done that. I keep replaying the past 5 months over and over in my head and I keep obsessing about the details of the event and the girl, even though it makes me hurt more.
Can relationships ever work after such a betrayal? Because I don't understand how I could ever even be normal with him again. I'm completely broken and I don't know where to turn. I'm embarrassed that this even happened to me, I'm so sad that he done this. So deeply sad that I wish I didn't even exist to feel this pain.
I don't even know if he has done this before, obviously he says he hasn't and I am inclined to believe that because surely he would have fessed up before that STD check we both went for, he said he will never ever do anything like this again but how can I believe that?
He calls it a mistake. I call it a choice, blind drunk or not he had plenty of time to make the decision. He could have decided before he got his d**k out of his pants, and he decided to do what he did. He keeps saying he loves me so much but I you don't destroy people you love to you? You don't do this to someone you love. I have been very drunk at events that he's not at and I have never even thought to do it what he did.