Is this behaviour bullying?

[RedMinixoxo]

DD is 20 and is at uni sharing a flat with 2 other friends. Although flat sharing started off well, it seems to have run into problems.

Things started to sour when DD introduced one of her male friends ) to one of her flatmates. Even though the flatmate knew DD had a crush on this friend, she started dating him. DD was hurt but had to come to terms with it. The relationship between the flatmate and DD's friend didn't last long and the relationship between DD and her flatmate returned to normal.

Shortly afterwards, the exact same scenario happened again. DD developed a crush on a different boy in her friendship group. She told her flatmate about her new crush and introduced him to her. Within a short space of time, the flatmate started to date DD's second crush. Flatmate and second crush have now been dating about 6 months.

DD was very hurt, but has done her very best to get over all this. However, the flatmate is now making her life a misery. She seems to believe that DD is attempting to steal her boyfriend, even though DD has tried to keep a low profile and keep her distance. This boy stays over in DD's flat several nights a week (with DD's flatmate), so it is difficult to avoid seeing him.

The most innocuous of situations seems to give rise to suspicion. One of DD's friends recently sent an Instagram friend request to the boy who is dating her flatmate. DD didn't know anything about it. For some reason, the flatmate decided that the friend request was evidence that DD had been slating her to her friends.

Another issue blew up when DD left the flat without washing her coffee cups last week. The flatmate saw this as evidence that DD is trying to be spiteful to her as she believes DD is still bitter. DD said that she simply forgot to wash the cups.

All aspects of DD's behaviour are analysed by her flatmate to see if any offence can be taken.

Yesterday, even I managed to inadvertently upset the flat mate. I tried to call DD from my car phone and accidentally called the second crush. His number is on my phone from when my DD lost her phone over a year ago and he was letting her use it to speak to me/report stolen phone etc while we getting her a new phone. Now the flatmate believes that this accidental call was my DD trying her ring her boyfriend on my phone. I feel wracked with guilt causing another blow up when it was just a simple miscall to the wrong person.

Sorry if this is long and garbled. My DD seems so broken and crushed by all this. It is difficult to know how to help her. She is stuck in her current tenancy agreement until August 2025. DD/s rent liability for the remainder of the tenancy is nearly £20000 (it's London). It is not going to be easy to just move out and find somewhere else to live.

Does anyone have any good ideas on how DD can tackle this? I am at a loss to come up with constructive help.

If she can't leave, she's going to have to ignore it. She's an adult. As are you, so there's no need to be 'wracked with guilt' due to some immature 20 year old creating drama.

Your daughter doesn't have to buy into this.

Blimey what an answer you are getting here OP. Very juvenile.

As a mum, yes this is going to affect you, regardless of adulthood. This is the first time your daughter is in this mess so is not going to have the mental tools to deal with this, even as a mature middle aged adult it would be a struggle too to grasp why someone who calls themselves a friend, or flatmate, behaves this way.

I suggest you speak with the landlord? They will have been in this situation before so there may be a way out.

Your daughter has every right to feel upset, and so do you.

I think your dd needs to stand up for herself a little more. Show her flatmate she’s independent of her. Go out separately with different friends, put some distance between them, politely. Just be too busy to engage in her nonsense, because that’s what it is. She’ll soon get bored and give it up.

I suggest you speak with the landlord? They will have been in this situation before so there may be a way out

Landlords do not and should not get involved in personal disputes between tenants, and this has nothing to do with the professional arrangement that is the tenancy. The tenants are adults. They don't get on. They don't get to have a mediator unless they pay for one. Their landlord isn't responsible for them.

@HopeFloatsAbove it isn't 'juvenile' to suggest that, although 'affected', OP doesn't need to get drawn into drama, and neither does her daughter. There's really no need to be rude.

Why on earth would the landlord be interested in this?

Has your DD tried telling this other woman to fuck back off? I would recommend she tells the other party that she has no interest in the BF and she is not interested in unnecessary tension.

What do other flatmates think?

There must be some way to get out of the tenancy - can't your DD find a replacement tenant? And then move on. Is there really no break clause before 2025???

Thanks for posts so far. There is no break clause for the rental agreement. I will encourage DD to ask the landlord about the possibility of finding a replacement tenant. Good idea to ask.
To the poster who asked what other flatmates think, there is just one other flatmate. She is very sympathetic to DD's predicament. She has not said anything to the difficult flatmate though. I guess she doesn't want to get on her wrong side herself.
DD does have lots of friends outside the flat and tries to spend as much time with them as possible and also as much time in the library as possible. She is trying to spend as little time in her flat as she can. A shame when she is paying £1100 per month rent.
I wish DD could be more assertive with the difficult flatmate. DD is shy and not very confident.

No I don't think it's bullying, it's just very juvenile behaviour from young people who aren't really old enough to know better.

I'd be there for your DD on the other end of the phone, but I really wouldn't get involved in all these details of 'she did this and he did that'.