20 years but something has changed

[Sparklysunshine]

Been with DH over 20 years , 6 children primary school age up to young adults - all at home . DH has always been a bit of a misery , never really happy go lucky but something has changed . He always had a high sex drive through the years , now it’s maximum once a week . He wants to go to bed incredibly early (9pm) we always used to stay up until around midnight watching tv in bed , now he’s snoring within 10 minutes . I find it awkward when we have guests as he always puts people down ,,, he says he’s just joking but I’ve told him when no one else is laughing it’s not funny . He has no motivation to do anything . When he comes in from work he just wants to scroll his phone , play his Xbox then go to bed . I work from home (childminder) and I asked him recently if on the days he’s home early could he help with just one housework a day (maybe a 10 minute job maximum) he said no he’d rather pay for a cleaner twice a week , a cleaner would cost more per hour than what I earn so what would be the point ! I don’t know the last time he gave me a compliment or actually chose to spend time with me , it’s like I’ve become invisible to him . Is this an age thing as we are both early 40s and a lot of people seem to have a shift in this age bracket . If I ask him about it he will just say he does a physical job and is tired , when he gets home he just wants to relax and be left alone - my argument is where does that leave me ? Waiting around for him to pick me back up when he feels like it ? I’m not sure if the problem is him or me , maybe as I’m getting older I’m just unhappy in general - maybe it’s pre menopause ? I’m not really sure what to do ,,, I do love him but I feel unloved , unwanted and to be honest so so bored of all my adult time in the evenings spent alone . I don’t have any friends to meet up with and actually like to be home in the evenings , I phone my mum twice a week just to kill some time and have someone to chat with - surely I should be doing that with my husband ? (He says he’s never been much of a talker which is partly true ) anyone else in this situation and does it improve or is this is now ?

It only improves if if he hears what you're saying and does something about it

My exh only married me to have dc... No interest in me whatsoever.. I told him either he made some effort or I would find a man who would. I had an affair. Desperation. Ended my marriage and the affair on the same day and moved out. Def not recommend it that way round..
Ime he won't change.. If you want a better life you need to make one. Away from him would be best.
He will have to step up when he has the dc alone..
You deserve to be happy. And to be more than his housekeeper...

He sounds a bit depressed. If he used to function going to bed at 12 but now sleeps from 9 something is wrong. Not helping around the house is inexcusable but short term if he is that exhausted he may be only just about capable of doing a day's work and nothing else. Talk to him, properly and see if he will see a gp or get counselling. At least get bloods done. Hopefully this is just a phase, I really doubt its about you. He may be overwhelmed with living in such a busy home and desperately need a break, maybe a night or two alone somewhere would recharge him?

To be honest the thing that I would be most concerned with is what you said about putting people down, that sounds like asshole behaviour and nothing to do with any of the other issues. Is this a new attitude?

Early 40s is still young, l agree with a pp that he needs bloods done to rule out anything that may have caused this change. However a couple of things stood out; you have 6 kids at home and are also working as a childminder yet he refuses to do one thing to help you because he 'does a physical job!' This is a disgraceful attitude and you need to hold him to account there. You are working just as hard as him l'm sure!
The other point is his attitude towards guests and the fact he is making comments to put them down. Why do you think he's acting in such a nasty way? I hope you've made it very clear that he's behaving like a dick and embarrassing himself.

Re the guests and putting people down - he’s always been like this . He knows he’s an arsehole , openly admits it . He says he wishes he could change but he just can’t . I saw a thing once that said you can’t make yourself feel bigger by making other people feel small …. This is him 💯! It comes from a place of insecurity , no excuse I know !

Insecurity is no excuse whatsoever, nor is him agreeing that that he's an arsehole. How embarrassing for your kids! Re his refusal to help you l would be cutting back on doing anything for him, so no cooking, domestic chores etc. He will soon get the message if he continues to be selfish. Re giving you company in the evenings l would be finding interests and hobbies of my own. It doesn't sound like he'd be good company anyway. In what ways does he enhance your life OP?

Well I couldn't disagree more with his view OP. Of course he can help being an arsehole. He can't help the nasty thoughts maybe but he can certainly control what comes out of his mouth. A 5 year old child learns this skill, it's pathetic to say he can't help it.

Ugh, wait until he goes to sleep and then figure out a different life for yourself, OP.

Sounds like the man l used to be married to