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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Rough patch

6 replies

polkadot24 · 11/04/2024 07:52

Has anyone got any advice or anything that's helped when their marriage was going through a really rocky patch?

I feel really lost at the moment and it's nothing big, just small things. We just don't seem to be making any headway and it's been over 2 weeks of arguing and not getting on.

I feel as if I'm changing and I've seen him in a different light, and his lack of recognising my feelings and telling me what he thinks instead of being understanding is getting to me. Everything I bring up is met with extreme defence and him listing the things he does do and going in a mood 'because I'm calling him shit and he does nothing', which I didn't. Any problem is met with this. Considering we've been arguing for so long, I don't feel like being intimate at all. However last night I woke up to him with fingers in my ass - I was not happy. He said I started it, I said how? When I was asleep? And that I wasn't ready for any intimacy as I feel we haven't got anywhere.

Is this my hormones? I feel different, I want more for myself. I want someone that makes an effort and that effort is more than 'I do the dishwasher and packed lunches'. He never organises anything. I'm so unhappy and it's sudden. What has happened? I realise I sound like I don't even like him right now, I'm not sure I do. I want him to go out so I can be by myself 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 11/04/2024 11:54

The finger up the bum would be the last time he touched me.

TroutRunner · 11/04/2024 11:57

Sounds like you’ve realised there’s more to life than this, and there definitely is.

Waking up with fingers up your bum - I’m not clear on the definition of rape but this is at the very least sexual assault, and for that reason alone I’d kick him out. He sounds awful.

youuuin · 11/04/2024 16:03

"It's nothing big, just small things" - OP, he has sexually assaulted you, and then tried to gaslight you into believing you consented. Run now before this behaviour gets any worse, and please seek support if you need it. So sorry this happened to you.

Starlight1979 · 11/04/2024 16:16

I feel that you have just dropped the single, most crucial part of this casually in mid-paragraph! You woke up to fingers up your bum?!?!?! WTF?! Unless you have told him that you don't mind or that turns you on, then that is very, very wrong. And I say that as someone who enjoys it 😳

There was a post on here the other day by someone who said they felt uncomfortable by their DP touching them whilst they were going to sleep. I was - and am - firmly of the opinion that she was overreacting and if you are in a sexual, loving relationship with someone then it's completely normal for them to want to touch you when you're in bed together! I personally love it if I'm dozing off or half asleep and my DP starts touching me. It's a massive turn on and it is nice gentle foreplay before we have sex.

HOWEVER, waking up to fingers in my bum. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would think this was acceptable unless you have specifically said "please wake me up by sticking your fingers up my bumhole". No, just no.

StrawberryWater · 11/04/2024 16:36

Kick him out already.

He assaulted you in your sleep and you better believe he'll move on from using his hands to other things (objects, his dick) and then blame you or say you started it.

Yuk.

Get rid of him.

Watchkeys · 11/04/2024 17:09

He's sexually assaulted you and then said it was your own doing.

Not sure why you're having difficulty explaining to yourself why you've gone off him suddenly.

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