Had enough of my ex...is my child better off without him?

[AngieR87]

I have a 5 week old baby and ex husband seems very unstable and isn't putting our child as a priority.

He wasn't there during most of pregnancy and had been so back and forth about his contact with baby. We met up in a mutual place last week so he could meet baby, all went well. We were going to make it a weekly thing, but him come to mine so he could do a little more for baby. I don't trust him to have baby alone as when we were together said he wouldn't manage baby alone and currently has 0 stuff for her.

He was to have contact with baby in a few days but said he would only be staying half an hour as he needing to go home to eat, shower and sleep. I brought up the fact that he was suppose to be proving to me he could look after baby and that wouldn't be possible with half an hour contact. He then proceeded to cancel the contact because his cycling bike has broke and he has no way of getting to me. He only lives about a 45 min walk from me and less on the bus. Said he didn't have money to waste on bus money. I offered him the bus money but accused me of trying to play happy families and didn't want my charity, when all I wanted was to be guilt free that I tried to support a relationship between my child and their dad. He said when he got his bike fix he would be up to see child.

To me it seems very much like he isn't interested and I don't think I can do this back and forth for 18 years. My child doesn't know any different now, but they will in a few years time. What do I do?

You don't have to bend over backwards to facilitate their relationship but assuming the father isn't abusive or dangerous in any way you should probably not cut off contact.

Being a responsible co-parent is one of the challenges of being a single parent and imo you need to leave the door open for now.

Your child is likely to have some benefit from having contact with their father going forward but it's very early days so I would suggest keeping an open mind and trying not to react to any frustration you feel.

I am sure there will be other posters who say your exDP is pathetic and useless and you should forget about him. But if he does manage to develop a relationship with your DC this could be turned around.

You can’t make him have a relationship with baby, especially if he keeps letting baby down. Keep a record of cancelled visits/texts in case you need them in the future. Baby is 5 weeks old and he’s only met baby once,it doesn’t sound like he’s prepared to put himself out, you can only do so much, I’m afraid.

I wouldnt waste your energy to bother trying to make him parent as clearly he is not interested at the moment. Leave the door open for him though and hopefully as baby gets older he will be more interested. Hope he is paying you maintenance.

it’s hard looking after a baby on your own. Do you have family to help you?

He is capable of taking baby for a walk in the park, for being with baby while you go upstairs for a rest. He doesn't want to play Happy families in his own words so start from the premise that he has alone time with baby, albeit very small amounts of time regularly at the start. Then see what happens .

That seems the logic thing to do but he's not willing to give more than half an hour of his time. Not really helping me out as such

He's not paying maintenance. That was another carry on. Accused me of all sorts when u even mentioned it. Fir my sanity I'm just going to struggle along with no financial help.
My family don't live close by so there help is minimal. I'm doing ok on my own. Just extremely tired

You don't need to talk to him about maintenance, just go through cms if he's working. You owe it to your DC, he also needs to have some responsibility forced on him even if its just paying. He sounds like a dead loss though, and very immature- how old is he? Its quite pathetic that he's whinging about bus fare when not paying maintenance. Basically a, 'might turn up if it's free and easy' is not good enough. You can't force him to be interested. Get a decent solicitor and get unshackled from him ASAP as it sounds like he's shite with money and you could end up liable for his debts. If it's a case of him just being tight or lying about what he has, then you need the legal route to split assets.

Stop trying to force contact by offering your home or your money or multiple solutions. It won't work long term as he has to want to see her. And he doesn't, not really. Do you think he might be pretending he does so you don't claim CMS?

He just isn't interested. And while I don't think you should cut contact I also don't think you should be bending over backwards to facilitate it. I assume he's paying zero maintenance? Contact CMS and set up maintenance payments from him. Decided on a schedule that works for you and your child and choose a day and time where he's not working. Contact him with your proposal and try to come to some sort of agreement. If he fails to show he fails to show. You've done your bit by making yourself and the child available. The rest is up to him. You can force him to be a good dad.

You don't have to discuss it with him you contact CMS and they sort it for you.

Don't feel guilted into not claiming maintenance!

Personally I wouldn't even bother facilitating contact for him. He seems like someone who will let down your DC and hurt them. Don't inflict him on your child if you don't have to. It's his responsibility to form a relationship with them not yours so don't feel any guilt about that either.

Reading your story makes me think that your ex is a baby, and of course, there's no point in leaving a baby with a baby.
Still, he has the right to see his child. So, I don't think that you can stop him abruptly from doing that. Besides, when the kid grows up, daddies like him tend to shop up at the least expected moment.

Half an hour alone with baby is fine to start with, building up to longer periods. Does he have paid employment? If so then contact CMS, he does need to pay towards his child.