"Stop being defensive all the time"

[Mummysnotgrumpy]

Would like an external perspective on whether I am being defensive when my husband basically says I am to blame for something that has happened. Obviously, sometimes it may be my fault and sometimes its easier not to rise to it if but I don't feel that everything is my fault. This is having a huge impact on our marriage as I feel full of resentment and its getting me down.

For example , tonight he said he needed to get some work done and wanted my help. I had tried an earlier bedtime for our toddler around 6.30pm but this failed so we ended up playing altogether for a while and putting him down around 830pm, so I came downstairs around 9pm. I've been in work, walked the dogs, did the food shop, made dinner etc with toddler in tow, so I'm exhausted. I made us some coffees and sat down, I think I may have nodded off for a few minutes watching his tv programme, but I was prepared to help him whenever he would be ready. He played on his phone and fell asleep on the sofa around 10pm. No sign of getting his laptop out or anything. When he woke up, he complained that I made the coffee too hot so he didnt have it, and I was never going to help him anyway. He worked from home earlier in the week and I helped him for 2 hours while also trying to quietly entertain our toddler, but this has been totally forgotten about and as I was unable to get on with my own things e.g. laundry, cleaning, food shop, he complained there was no food and the kitchen was messy.
He won't come up to bed most nights because of me - he explained that I will fall asleep straight away (sometimes he talks about work and I just can't keep myself awake to listen to it) and when I move, I disturb him too much.
These are just a couple of things, would be interested to hear any suggestions to help? Leaving the marriage is not an option I want to consider at the moment.

You both work so he should be doing housework too. If he won't food shop on way home from work, get it delivered. Does he do any cooking, cleaning? If not, get a cleaner too as it's not your job and don't help him with his work if he's not pulling his weight in the house. Just say no in the first place, then he can't moan when it doesn't happen. Next time he moans about a mess, tell him it's fine for him to clean it. Is he so pathetic that he can't get involved in childcare or house chores, but expects help to do his own job? Best not to consider more DC's, if he can't care for 1, he won't with more. Now you know.

I’m probably not the person to advise but commenting to follow!

My DH does similar - asks for help for things on his computer but then waits until I’m leaving the room to go to bed (or if earlier in the day to go to something that has a need for me to get to in time). Now when he asks for help I do say things like “If you can just help me hang that washing up then I’ll have time to take a look” so he knows he has to take something off my mental list if he wants to add to it. I also say things like “yes, but let’s make sure we look at that before 8pm otherwise it’ll have to be tomorrow” (whatever time is relevant) so the time is laid out more clearly. Neither of those examples are too confrontational but start to encourage respect for your time.

The feeling of getting blamed for everything is definitely one I recognise! The first words this morning from DH were “why have you let the cat on the kitchen side?”. I suggested (not particularly patiently) that he should address that question to the cat rather than me because I was too busy sorting kids breakfasts to even see where the cat was…

Is he like this throughout the entire day?

Reason I ask, is come 10pm at night if I'm tired and dozy I turn into a complete gorgon despite being affable and easy-going the rest of the time. And yes, I whinge, moan, and complain about absolutely everything and anything, including my partner just trying to do something normal like sleep.

It's a sign that I'm tired and really need to go to my bed, nothing else. Unfortunately my partner snores like a drain, so even if I give up and try to go to sleep, I'm deprived of that and usually throw a fit and get up to go and sleep in another room. We basically just don't sleep together any more, because when I need to go I really need to go, and I don't want to be responsible for disrupting their sleep either.

"as I was unable to get on with my own things e.g. laundry, cleaning, food shop, he complained there was no food and the kitchen was messy"
These are not your own things. He needs to step up and pull his weight.
He's a lazy arse. That's the problem.

Made. The. Coffee. Too. Hot. It does sound like he has an unbearably nit-picky and negative attitude and you’ll never be able to win. Are you able to laugh when he says ludicrous things like that?

He sounds extremely stressed and isn't managing it well. You sound overburdened. I think this dynamic is very common particularly with young children.
Marriage is a mutual support system so if DH can't face his stress than you need to manipulate more help than you're getting as a previous post said.
Or make a diagram and show him how your time is allotted and could that be discussed? He may manage his stress better if he walks the dogs.
Good luck.

OP you did all what you did on the day and also did the coffee to hot, because everyone knows that coffee is made a room temperature and male adults that are waiting for their partners to help them to do HIS job sre not allow to boil a kettle or put a moka pod on the hob.
If that wasn't enough, you move when you sleep and disturb him. OMG!

First why you have to help him doing his work?
Second why he is not doing anything around the house?

It is not you, is definitely him.

I remember a former neighbour of mine saying she fell in love with her DH when they worked in finance in a big city. Once they had kids he reverted to his family's culture which seemed to be very regressive. She was expected to just do all the childcare and house work but to work as well. Incredible. They had a grim divorce. Children really are a huge test to a relationship.

You seem very subservient to him op. Can you let us know why you do all the usually shared tasks of housework and childcare?

It definitely sounds like you are both tired and stressed - life is busy with a toddler. Complaining about the coffee being too hot is a new level of petty though!
My DH can easily get distracted - I can imagine him asking for my help and then remembering as I'm off to bed. So, I don't wait around for him to factor me into his busy schedule of Scrabble and doom scrolling - I will tell him I am free in 15 mins (or whenever) and if he can't get himself organised that's up to him.
Plus you are doing too much if the housework. You'd have more time if he pulled his own weight.

No wonder you are defensive- he’s full on blaming you isn’t he? Can’t go to sleep in bed Because you have to listen to him, can’t move in bed as it might wake him!
does he come to bed at all?
your life’s exhausting enough without helping him work in the evening.
like others suggest, ask him to help you with the chores then you’ll help him work!

This!

Why are you doing all the house stuff AND helping h with his work?? Lazy arse.

You work too, so why isn’t he helping you more rather than the other way round?! Don’t have more kids with him! It won’t get better.

I'm curious to know what you did wrong with the coffee. I thought kettles heated water to boiling, and then you use it shortly after, and it's the drinker's responsibility to consume it when it's cooled down?

What method does he want you to use?

And on a broader note, why are you helping him with his work? Isn't he capable of doing it by himself?

And when you do 'your jobs', does that involve doing things for him, like washing his clothes and cooking his dinner? Does he have corresponding jobs with equal time/energy demand?

This all seems very off-kilter, and as if he thinks you should be responsible for him. What a turn off. He's like a child, isn't he?

This. And next time I would make his coffee cold. Put some ice in it for good measure.

Is there a reason he’s unable to do his own job?
or clean his own kitchen or buy food for his own home or make his own coffee?
he’s taking no responsibility for being an adult and running his life.
maybe he’s overwhelmed and you can have a conversation about that, but if you’re doing everything and he’s still playing the victim and genuinely believes he’s hard done by, because he hasn’t facilitated you doing his job for him, after you’ve done your own and the housework and the childcare, I don’t know where you can go from there.

He sounds like a chronic blamer. Making everything someone else's fault because he can't bear to admit that he can ever make a mistake.

I have some sympathy for him because I used to be like that. This video really helped me see how ridiculous I was. Maybe share it with him?

Wtf op? You’re absolutely exhausted because you’re doing everything and it’s not good enough? What is the point of him? Really what is he doing in your life and why are you in servitude to him?

You poor thing OP- this sounds incredibly oppressive. I would show him this thread! It's outrageous he's telling you not to be defensive when he's criticising you over every little thing. Ofc you'll be defensive. You should feel defensive so you can defend yourself from his accusations! Listen to your feeling of resentment, stop accommodating him and start pushing back every time. Good luck; you've got this

Don't show him this thread. It'll be another reason to criticise you. Use the suggestions on the thread, sure, there's some good ones. But showing him is not going to achieve anything.

Showing him the thread and the video are attempts to retrain him, which is yet another thing for OP to take responsibility for.

@Mummysnotgrumpy It's not up to you to decide who he should be/how he should behave, or to get him to behave in that way. Your only responsibility is to decide what you need, and how to get it. If his current behaviour and attitude doesn't fit in with this, he doesn't get to be in your gang any more. So he can wash his own socks and do his own work and make his own dinner.

He's trying to tell you who to be, with no regard at all for who you want him to be. In other words, for him, you have to respect him, but there's no requirement for him to respect you.

Can you talk to him about how you feel, rather than what he did? Can you talk without raising specific examples, so that he can't argue back? For example, saying 'You pissed me off by not hanging out the washing' can illicit all kinds of defensive responses, but 'I feel disrespected when I have to hang out the washing every single time' isn't really something he can defend himself about, because it's not about him.

Might that work? You need to take responsibility for you, not for him.

What does he do around the house?

He sounds a right PITA.

He wants you to take the blame for his inadequacy He also wants to blame you for his inability to complete a task. Hence the "why are you so defensive" comment. He is a weak but manipulating person and turning lead into gold wouldn't be enough. If it's any consolation it's him and not you.