Please help me to walk away

[MallowPop]

NC’d for this one.

My husband recently left me for another woman. I’ve been very private about this and the only indication of the split is that I changed my social media profile photos to pics of just me, without my husband.

The affair was a huge and complete shock which has left me feeling bewildered and extremely vulnerable. We’d only been married just over a year for context.

Prior to meeting my now exH I was in a relationship with what I can only describe at best as a narcissist and perhaps sociopath. He caused me great pain which took me many years to get over with the help of counselling. I have not seen my ex in 9 years as I went no contact with him. Out of the blue he’s emailed me asking how I am, that he’s had time to process what happened with us, is very sorry and wants to see me to apologise and signed off saying he’d never stopped loving me. I was shaking reading the email and can only assume he’s been looking at my social media and putting 2 and 2 together. The sane part of me knows he’s a prick but the broken me, soon to be divorced me, wants to see him. I wonder if a part of me might still have feelings for him and wonder if after help he might have changed.

This man hurt me badly but a part of me wants to see him, to find out how he’s been and to get answers for his prick-like behaviour.

Someone please give me a reality check and tell me that I’m a knob to even consider this.

Hi, sorry for all you've been through. If he is a narcissist, they are well known for hoovering up past victims. I would leave well alone. Your too vulnerable at the time being as well. All the best.

Block him. You do not need to respond and yes, if it helps, you are a knob to even consider this.

You KNOW he is a narc and a sociopath. This is ABSOLUTELY the wrong time for you to EVER consider letting him back into your life. You won't get answers and you are far too vulnerable at the moment to risk your mental health even further by letting someone like this get to you.

I'm very sorry about your present break up - but you will be strong enough to get over it. Don't let either of these twots back into your life!

Don't be your own worst enemy.

Your ex is still the same arsehole he always was. He just wants to get off on reeling you back in. Don't fall for it.

This man hurt me badly but a part of me wants to see him, to find out how he’s been and to get answers for his prick-like behaviour.

You will never get answer from a narcissist. It's not in their interests to put your mind at rest.

The reason for his prick-like behaviour is that he is a prick. Don't put yourself in the way of him hurting you again.

Meeting this man will make a bad situation worse.

Move on, not back.

I need to hear this. I feel so hurt by my husband, I’m still reeling and in shock. Part of me wants to get one up on him and I suppose seeing my ex feeds that desire but the only person I’m really hurting is myself, I don’t even know if my husband has any feelings for me at this point.

I had blocked him everywhere, never looked at his socials and built a wall around myself to protect him for causing me any more damage so was very surprised to receive an email from an account I didn’t recognise but it’s him alright.

how the fuck do people live with themselves doing this shit to others? I clearly am shit with men, can’t spot the bad ones that’s for sure.

He's hoovering. This would only end up with you even more badly hurt than you are now. Block block block and don't even respond.

Op I am so sorry.

This is a classic hoovering tactic, used when life becomes mundane for the cheater, also used just to check how much of a hold he has on you still. There really is not much else to it, its all self serving.

Take time for you to just let this one slip, let go of him and look after you.

BTW, he will email again and again, just to check if he still has this hold.

Best way is to go gray rock, and all the best OP

OP you are not shit with men, those are all his actions, he will do them again and again with whoever he is with each time. Its all well rehearsed and played out.

Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube.

If this hadn’t happened with you now ex would you have contact with your other ex especially as he’s a 🤬 no don’t do it I know you feel vulnerable but he’s an ex for a reason ..find a nice guy

You’re not shit with men, you’ve recognised that this isn’t a great idea and you’re asking for validation that the idea of meeting up is a bad idea. You know it’s an ego boost at a time when you’re vulnerable - it must feel like an affirmation that you’re not unlovable at a time when your recent ex has made you doubt yourself.

But your self esteem will take a hammering if you let this one back in while your defences are down.

That’s not to say you should never speak to him, but at the moment you can’t trust yourself to be objective so take care of yourself, understand that this isn’t a reflection of you (good or bad) it’s just what people like them do. They play with people for their own ends.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, go easy on yourself, put all the love that you’ve been wasting on ungrateful men into yourself. And ignore the hoovering narc - at least until you’re feeling strong enough to resist his charms.

Thank you for the guidance and advice, deep down I know seeing him now would be a fucking out and out disaster. Even though we’ve been apart for a long time I’ll always have feelings for him, even though he’s a prick.

The timing of this is fucking horrendous, my husband’s affair has plummeted my self-esteem so him reaching out me made me feel wanted, so fucking pathetic really and I don’t think that I’d admit all of this IRL. I also wanted a distraction from my husband but I couldn’t recover being fucked over by ex AND husband both at once so I need to protect my mental health.

Im not going to respond, my focus needs be on getting a decent lawyer and to deal with the breakdown of my marriage.

@MallowPop, I am so sorry about your devastation caused by your cruel, adulterous H. He clearly lacks integrity, honesty and empathy.

I hope you are aware that his unethical choices and actions are not about you at all, but are instead due to his character flaws, including massive selfishness and entitlement, as well as weak boundaries.

Your suffering over H’s treachery is palpable. If you haven’t already, would it help you to tell us more about what happened so that we can support and advise you?

As you well know, your Ex who has recently reared his ugly head is a very dangerous man who will do you great harm. He is looking for new narcissistic supply to abuse and destroy. Stay strong against this temptation, @MallowPop.

OP, with respect but the last thing you need right now is another relationship with somebody who you know is a bad apple.

Please don’t even consider meeting up, spend the time on your healing and dealing with the divorce.

Wishing you all the best. 💐

I get the need for a self esteem boost. The best boost you can give yourself is that your ex came sniffing around you again and you ignored him. You're the bigger person here and don't need him in your life.

He is an ex for a reason. Take time to be on ur own. Practise some self care:nourishment not punishment

An ex of mine contacted me expecting to do as he bid. I remember thinking, silence will be my best weapon.