My dad left when I was 7y.o

[LosttandOld]

Apologies if this isn't the right subtopic for this but I would appreciate insights/advice.

My dad left my childhood home when I was 7. He left due to another woman.
I was there the day he left & I could recall every detail like it was yesterday.

I've recently cheated on my partner of 8 years, he found out & wants me to leave the home we've built with our four children.

So of recently the trauma of my dad leaving has resurfaced to say the least. As my eldest daughter is the same age as me when I was left.
I want answers from my dad but I can't understand why. Because I am fighting tooth and nail to fix my relationship but also so that I don't get cut off from my children.

I don't know what the point of my post is tbh. My dad still lives in my childhood home which is a ten minute walk away. I just want to understand why. Was I ever loved? Have I now just turned into my father's daughter and I'm destined to make the same path he did?
I just want to understand why he wasn't there.

Fwiw he has an older daughter, different mum but be still sees the daughter.

You said your dad left your childhood home but also that he still lives in your childhood home so I'm a bit confused. Did you see him at all growing up?

Can you afford or access therapy? Because you'll in all liklihood get more answers there than from your dad, OP.
I'm speaking as someone who's mum left. I never worked it all out with her but therapy was the best thing I ever did.

Sorry I didn't explain very well, me and my mum moved out about 5 years later and his name was still on the tenancy so he was able to take it over.
I went to the OW house but I was neglected around weed so my mum put a stop to it. I haven't seen him since I was about 17

I think these are two separate issues. My dad also left when I was quite young and between myself and the friends who have experienced the same are split into two camps - those who have also cheated as there is a lack of trust around men so they see less value in relationships and those who are adamant they would never cheat cause they know how it feels to be that child.

I am assuming that your own infidelity doesn't mean you don't love your children, so maybe that perspective can help you process your own dad leaving.

Speaking from experience, the one thing I would be wary of here is using your dad's behaviour and the impact on you as justification for your own behaviour.

I can understand why you want answers from your father and have a lot of your childhood experiences to work through but I think for now you need to concentrate on how you go forward and the effects on your children. Will your husband agree to counselling with you? Is there any chance of saving your marriage or are you happy to end it?

No no I would never do that, I just didn't know if there was some connection there tbh.
It isn't the first time I've cheated but he didn't find out about the first time. This most recent time he did and has rightly hit the roof over it.
But I'm finding it very difficult to be able to walk away from my children, like the thought makes me sick. Never mind the fact i don't even have anywhere to stay
But it has just taken back all the questions of why did he leave? Did he ever fight for me? Why was he never in touch? I'm presuming he fell out of love with my mum but why did that mean he needed to abandon me
I can't wrap my head around it

Your affair is not relevant to the outcome when it comes to the division of assets or who has residency of the children. The courts don't care why you're breaking up. If the marriage isn't salvageable, it does not mean you lose your kids.

Don't let your guilt or your husband's anger stop you from having your share of the marital assets, nor from having the children with you or 50/50 residency.

There comes a time when you have to grow up and take responsibility for yourself as an adult. You're old enough to have 4 children, I would have thought you'd got that figured out by now.

You haven't cheated on your partner because of something your Dad did decades ago. Come on!! That's really scraping the barrel.

Yes there is two separate issues there I'm aware of that but I seem to be intertwining them because I can't leave, as much as me staying is causing pain to my ex, I can't leave my children. They are my heart. So how come my dad was able to leave so easy?
Ex wants it to work, but I'm on the fence.
I feel indignant about most things just now (if that's the right word) but I do have a history of severe depression

But I'm finding it very difficult to be able to walk away from my children, like the thought makes me sick. Never mind the fact i don't even have anywhere to stay

You do not have to leave your children or the family home. On no account should you do so. Talk to a solicitor.

The home is actually in my name but my ex says he handles the children better (mental health issues on my side) so he would rather be the one to stay as I wouldn't cope (true)
And if I asked him to leave he would get angry and say "he didn't cause any of this, I was the one that cheated so I should go, he shouldn't lose his home because of what I did"

If you're married, it doesn't really matter whose name the house is in.

He (or you yourself) may want you punished for cheating, but it absolutely doesn't mean you have to leave the home or lose your kids.

If you split up, it's about what's best for the children and that is not to lose their mother.

You divide up assets fairly and work out the children's care sensibly with the help of mediators or the courts, if you can't work it out amicably as a couple.

Plenty of people have mental health issues past or present. It's very unlikely depression or whatever makes you an unfit parent.

If he's telling you all this, it's out of anger and fear and whatever else, but it doesn't make it reality.

Divorce is no fault in England. It means that you’re not penalised for your adultery and would get at least 50% of time with the kids.

I think that you’ve answered your own question about why you’re dwelling on your father’s departure. It sounds like you’re hoping for some grey area like he missed you every day or he took your mum to court but you don’t know about it.

You don't have to leave your children. Even if you do decide that leaving the family home is what is best for everyone, you are not "leaving" your children. You can still be an important and constant part of their life even if you don't live with them 100 percent of the time. Your relationship with your father may or may not have contributed to your current issues but it definitely seems to have left you with a black and white view of family breakdown.

I have seen families separate where one or both parents have mental health issues and past or present drug and alcohol addiction, and still be part of their child's life in a safe way. I have also seen people overcome these issues and go on to have wonderful relationships with their children.

By the sound of things your estranged relationship with your dad wasn't just down to infidelity - drugs were in the mix too and oftentimes drugs are used to self-medicate mental illness like depression. You are in a dark place just now, but don't do anything in haste. Find someone to talk to, who can help you process your past.

Two very separate issues. If you need answers off your dad ask him but the fact you cheated on your husband is not something that he has passed down to you or genetic it is a huge mistake you made of your own doing.
My mum left the family home to be with another man. Because of this my loyalty towards partners and friends etc over the year as I have learned from her leaving how not to hurt someone.

He is right. Why should he leave when you were the one in the wrong?

You are a serial cheat so yes you should tell him about the 1st time as well and move out.
find somewhere else in the interim and have 50/50 custody.
if you stay you will invariably cheat again. And again.
maybe your dad hated your mum and hates you by extension
maybe she had an affair and you are not his biological daughter
maybe he is a total arsehole
who knows but perhaps right now being single is the best thing for you and those around you

I don't really understand why you'd think you and your dad's circumstances are similar. A man cheating and leaving the family is almost - not totally, but almost - a social norm. It's horrible but it is not true the other way around. Maybe right now it seems that it's important that your father did this but you've had 4 kids, it would have crossed your mind before. Now you've messed things up it's come to the fore but it's not the main event.
A woman leaving the family is hugely taboo and I can tell you from experience, WILL harm your children in ways that you can't quite imagine because you're in the thick of it. It's a different sort of bond.
It sounds like you are not in a good place but I urge you not to leave the family home.
I'd also urge you to try to get some further, better help for your mental health issues. Because if the upshot is that your children need you in good shape.
This might be a little bit left field, but is your husband emotionally abusive/coercive with you? If he is (and you might not be best placed to see it) do you have any friends around who can help give you some perspective on him?