Are we still friends

[Flyingsolo123]

Hey,
Over the last 18 months or so I have been going through some physical health issues and have had to take time off work for various scan test bloods etc for suspected cancer.

About 6 months ago I confided in a work colleague/ friend who has been super supportive. She knows I keep my circle small and didn't want to tell many people.

She has accompanied me to some of these tests, supported me in work and also recently took me too and from hospital for planned surgery. She's been amazing.

However I'm now 5 weeks post op, still off work and I haven't seen her in person since the day i got home.. she had 2 weeks off and we had agreed to catch up but I feel like she was avoiding me and it never happened, but she did tell me whay she was doing with other people during those two weeks. she use to message every day, now its every 5 or 6 and only if I send one first, she stopped checking if I was doing ok and has now declined meeting up 3 times now. As I'm feeling much better I suggested we go for dinner, lunch,a walk, a cup of tea and chat. Anything really. She keeps avoiding the question and ghosting me for days at a time.

I'm so confused, she's not been around after my surgery and it feels like she doesn't want to be around me. Has anyone ever had this ? How do I approach the subject, or am I just overthinking it.

Maybe she's got problematic stuff going on in her own life?

The problem with you being the sick one/the 'helped' and her being the 'helper' is that it can make it difficult to break out of those roles, and she may not want to tell you whatever is it.

Hard to say at this point. She is still replying to your messages, but just taking longer. Give it time, keep texting her every now and then but don't push it. Maybe she's just busy.

Give her a little bit of space for a little bit try not to be too needy with her. This will give you both a little bit of a break from each other. She may be feeling worn out herself and supporting you may have been quite hard on her.

Then maybe message next week inviting her out for something (she might enjoy whenever is convenient for her) as a thank you and say it’s your treat to say thank you for all her help. I.e. lunch at yours, breakfast or brunch some where nice, an evening meal somewhere nice or the cinema etc.

You could ask her if everything's ok? What would stop you doing that?

It may be that she has exceeded what she can give you at present?

If she is working, and maintaining a home life too, then she may not have much left in the energy bank, even if she wants to, to give you at this time?

I would concentrate on recovery and perhaps not rely on her for a while, give her a bit of a break. Its hard seeing a friend go through things and it can hit you hard emotionally too, like a burnout. Specially if the conversation is mainly about what you are needing and going through, could it be it?

Its easy to get so engulfed by an illness that every day life fades into the background and the illness topic takes over, could this be why?

I value these answers so much. She does have things going on and I have been helping with those for the last few years asking for nothing in return. It check in regularly both through messages at home and at face to face at work to see shes doing ok if think she isn't. Not in an over the top way My judgements normally on point.

I don't reach out, I'm stubborn and I have always "fixed" myself. I prefer to help others. We don't discuss my illness and we dont formally check in on how I'm doing when we do catch up. So I didn't consider it being overwhelming. Maybe not talking in detail has the same effect ?

It took alot for me to reach out and let someone in to support me for a change. Now I'm worried I made the wrong judgement and I was too much for her.

My worst fear has always been that if you open up and you let them in. You will be too much and they will leave. I feel like that's what's happened here. What if iv ruined the bond we had. Should I have just stayed the fixer.

It's not about right and wrong, or what you should or shouldn't do.

You do what you want. The people who stick around are the ones who love you as you are, and whose actions don't make you feel you should do things differently. Don't change yourself to fit other people. Change if/when you feel like it, and let the people change to fit you.