Does counselling change them

[How2003]

Hi,

I’ve recently posted about my husband but a bit of a back story….

He had an affair (kissing only but meeting and messaging a lot) in 2021, I have recently found out he had had an to my knowledge an emotional affair lasting 4 months (again meeting and lots of texting) with other little things in between such as searching for people on social media etc…

since discovery he has taken it upon himself to go to counselling as well as marriage counselling, he says he will be better and wants to change and regrets everything deeply.

I guess my question is has anyone gone through similar and they have changed?

Counselling is all well and good but they will want to get to the actual root of the problem which - in a lot of cases - is that one or both parties is unhappy in their relationship / feel they've grown apart / no longer are "in love" with each other (even thought they might still love each other) and are seeking something in someone else that they feel they no longer get in their relationship.

This could be anything but usually lack of sex / affection / intimacy, living together more like "friends" than man and wife, lack of respect, one or both parties have changed significantly since they got together or something else. You never hear of someone having an affair in a completely happy relationship so the reason they are looking elsewhere needs addressing before knowing whether it's worth working on.

If, for example, you are no longer intimate / don't have sex and he needs that to be happy, then he will be seeking that elsewhere (until he leaves or you kick him out probably).

And yes I'm aware I'll probably get torn to shreds for this comment but that is why the majority of affairs happen.

Thank you @Starlight1979 we had a decent sex life, only got married in June 2023 initiated by him, I think he must have been bored, not the person he truly wants to be with but I’m convenient!

Counselling can change a person but only if they open up and engage with the therapy.

not the person he truly wants to be with but I’m convenient

Is he the person you truly want to be with? Does your definition of a healthy relationship include one partner kissing and being close to the other, and concealing it?

Are you sure he's actually going to counselling?

kissing and being close to the other, and concealing it

*being close to others

I’m sure he’s going to counselling, I think I know I should leave but I’m finding it hard, especially with his constant begging/been nice and asking for another chance

Because that really turns you on and heightens your respect for him?

Wait a minute, so he had an affair before you even got married?! Jesus Christ.... It's one thing forgiving (or trying to forgive) an affair once you're years into marriage, kids, domestic drudgery etc but he was cheating before you even committed to each other! Why did you decide to marry him?

@Starlight1979 yeah! It was stupid and probably naive of me! We had been doing IVF unsuccessful and I got pregnant naturally and then got married last year, I probably thought he would have grown up now we were married and finally had our little boy!

I would bet my arse it wasn’t “just kissing, texting and meeting up” - they always minimise what actually happened.

I had a relationship with a married man (who told me they were separated and going through divorce) he was meeting me for sex frequently, taking me out for drinks/lunches/to the theatre and telling me a pack of lies about how he wanted to be with me - even looking at rental properties to move into around the corner from my house. When I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation as he was still living with her he said he’d told his wife about me and she was going to move in with a friend and get on with divorcing.

Turned out his wife actually knew nothing about me and thought they were happily married. When she discovered his affair he told her we’d only kissed, that he’d only carried on seeing me because I’d threatened to tell her and basically told a pack of lies about me as a person to victimise himself and turn me into some kind of nympho villainess!

Did you find out about the affairs yourself or did he willingly confess? Because remember if you found out yourself he’d undoubtedly still be seeing his OW.

The specimen I was involved with was happily shagging us both until his suspicious wife hacked his phone and found the messages.

I believe one of the things he offered was that he would “get help” and go to counselling (this was after threatening to kill himself and basically manipulating the fuck out of his wife)

He’s a lying piece of shit and your “d”h is too.

They’ll say anything and everything to get you to stay with them IME. The fact yours has done it twice shows a deep character flaw in that he needs attention from multiple women to fuel his fragile ego.
I would just presume he’s a serial cheater who won’t change and Ltb if you have any self worth. Otherwise I think it just shows these men you are willing to forgive their deceit and betrayal and it’s only a matter of time before he finds another willing side chick. Therapy cannot help these narcissistic individuals because he’s likely even lying to his therapist (that’s if he’s even going!)

OP's story may be nothing like yours, @theworldie ... that's a lot of drama you're bringing in because of what one man did, and it's not the man in question.

OP, don't get pulled into other people's stories. You have enough on your plate without wondering about whether your husband is the same as other men who have done other things. You have enough to go on to make decisions from yourself. 'Do you want a liar for a partner or not?' is the only question you need to answer.

I think you need to dial down any expectations you have surrounding his therapy. There's no magic in going to therapy and the "goal" may not even be to salvage your relationship.

Also, people sometimes seek out marriage counseling when their relationship is floundering so that they can feel better about leaving: "I tried everything, even therapy and it didn't work!". It's really common.

My ex Husband had an affair.. went to counselling.. said all good.. he's a changed man.
Found out he never went to counselling he was seeing the OW.
That's why he's an ex

That's why I asked. Are you sure he's going to counselling.

@How2003, I commented on your other thread. Counseling will be worthless if he manipulates the sessions by lying, like he is still doing to you.

His latest pursuit is your ’friend’ and neighbor. When questioned they both lied about illicit behavior, but then her H approached you about them, and you joined forces and caught them out. Your H has been buying her gifts and has a nude photo of her, yet he is still lying that it’s a platonic friendship.

He has been straying all along, as he cheated during your IVF, and after marrying you discovered his secret Tiktok account that he was using to search for his AP and other women. Now it’s the neighbor and more lies.

Until he comes completely clean about all of his infidelity, it will be impossible to move forward with him. You’ve been in a false reconciliation all this time, and nothing has changed. He’s still a very bad bet.