Possible PTSD after almost losing child in the sea last year?

[Pickledravish]

Posting here purely as it's a busier forum than the mental health one.
A year ago, early last summer, we nearly lost my child in the sea when they got into difficulty. It never ever should have happened. We knew the risks that particular day, we knew she should have been wearing better protection, but we got swept up in the moment along with other parents at the time.

A split second and everything changed. How we got her when she went under and began to get swept out, I will never know. It was pure luck. She was just 5 years old at the time.

Thay day and the day after myself and my child cried a lot. We both realised the danger she has been in without needing to state it. She was shaken, I was shaken and my husband refused to speak about it telling me our emotions were an overreaction. I don't believe we overreacted at all.

It's now getting towards watersports season which we do a lot of and I have started having awful flashbacks. I am getting panicky, short of breath at the time. Have to close my eyes and hold myself until it passes. My child seems to be ok but won't really speak about the holiday last year. I have told my husband who says "just forget it"- I am trying to. But I always go down the path of what could have happened- the sea takes her and she's gone. I feel sick just writing this. I see it so clearly every time.

Do I need professional help? Is there anything I can do myself to help this reaction I'm having? Obviously lessons have been learned and I hope to never put my children in that sort of danger ever again.

I'm sorry this happened, it sounds terrifying.

I think there's two things here.

Yes you could get counselling to deal with the trauma of the event.

But you also don't have to be comfortable with letting young children into open sea.

Are you okay with, e.g. paddling pools, kids pools etc with appropriate adult supervision?

My kids are younger than yours, but if I go to the beach I am very cautious about where/when I let my kids paddle. I don't think that's a bad thing.

I have a fear similar to yours. I have had therapy for it and even still I have literal nightmares about it every so often. The therapy helped hugely though so perhaps it could help you too.

My child is now 5 and when this incident happened, she was six months old. There are times that I can feel my heart race increase and I start to panic when faced with a situation where it could happen again. It is a visceral reaction and nothing I can do will stop it, however I have learnt, with my therapist, coping mechanisms so as to keep my fears abated and to avoid giving my child a complex.

I do also think that time helps. Your first return back in the sea (or similar) will be hard and you will be on tenterhooks, but when you see that she has been back into the sea safely and the situation has not repeated it, starts to reinstate your trust in her being in these situations again. Perhaps start off small and work up as well to build both yours (and her) trust back in being in the water. Also, make sure you speak to your partner about how you feel as he shouldn't be belittling something that frightens you, especially as you will need someone there to give you a hand hold while you go back into the water for the first few times.

I would definitely say you need to have some counselling to process it all. It’s a terrifying thing to have gone through.

And I would also say you will need to have a session or two with your DH. He should in no way negate your feelings abut such an event. Nor your child’s.

I’m quite scared of open water (weak swimmer) and I won’t let my young children go in the sea deeper than ankles/ knees, and obviously closely supervised / held. it terrifies me (doesn’t help I’m watched some of the RNLI programmes that show what can go wrong). You are totally valid to feel how you do about it and I think your husband is treating you badly here, he needs to understand how badly this has affected you and support you, you are a team. I think more parents than you think have had a moment like this, could be a child rolling off a bed, slipping down stairs holding them, losing them in a public place, it may not have been so life or death but it comes back to haunt them / creates anxiety as it just reminds how precious life is and how accidents happen

I remember a post on here last year asking whether it was ok for preteens / young teenagers to play in the sea supervised only from way back on the shore and it divided opinion so much. Some people were totally used to this and happy with the risk, others were horrified. (And felt that Just because the children were good swimmers or used to the sea doesn’t mean they couldn’t get into an accident like others)

Talking to my husband/getting him to understand or come to counselling with me is futile. He thinks I overreact and has very little empathy. That is another thread. I can not rely on him for any emotional support whatsoever.

I'll look into counselling, thank you. The irony is that I was having counselling for my marriage at the time this happened and it wasn't affecting me as much then so I didn't address it🤦‍♀️.

Hi Op ,

I totally understand where your coming from a couple of years back my ds was only just turned 3 , we were in Spain waiting on a bus at our resort to take us into the city . Lots of families around and I took my eye off ds for one second , he ran towards the road at lightening speed , I looked to my left and saw said bus thundering towards us, it wouldn't see ds as he was running through a sort of corridor, my dh was pelting after him and I was screaming at ds to stop running but he looked back and thought it was a joke / game . He literally caught him just before he ran out under the bus . My other dc were there too and everyone boarded the bus ( it was packed ) and a woman who had seen it happened noticed the tears streaming down my face and came over to ask if i was ok ,my family were all spread out on the over crowded bus. I burst into tears in front of everyone as I honestly was seconds from loosing him . I am such a helicopter parent all the time I couldn't believe I had allowed it to happen , I suppose everyone thought someone else had an eye on him and we were gathering change for tickets . To this day it physically stops me in my tracks if I think back to that day , my stomach turns and I have to get to the toilet . It v much traumatised me . It's an awful feeling

I got roasted one day for insisting mine swim on the sea in buoyancy vests - I was absolutely ripped apart for it. Poor children - how embarrassing etc. Eldest is a highly competent swimmer etc but I rode it out having nearly drowned in the sea myself aged 14.
I did not give way on this. All of mine have conditions that affect their joints (inherited) and can get cramp. I was laughed at by other parents and even got a parent have a massive go at me

Sadly at our local marina a couple of weeks after said parental bullying towards me - a young teenager died - got into problems and no one could get them in time. There was a very sobering few weeks and the swimming was avoided for a while but I always think it’s so easy to judge others.

Face your fear. Go in an enclosed marina lake you wear a flotation buoyancy aid and so does she. Teach her to climb out (no steps), teach her to lie flat on her back and float.

don’t go out of your depth ever. And there is no law that says you need to sea swim ever. I go on with the kids - but never too far. If they want to swim miles they do it on the pool.

Accept you feelings are normal and are there to protect you and her - listen to them. Sit and acknowledge them. Breathe. It’s ok.

So sorry this happened and totally understand how you're feeling. Had a similar experience with a friend's child. No way would I ever let my child in the sea further than they can stand to waist height, particularly the sea around Britain. It's too dangerous.

I’m sorry for what happened. It must’ve have been truly terrifying.

Yes sounds like ptsd and from experience with my child I can recommend two things;

1. EMDR therapy - this enables your brain to properly process what happened

2. face your fears - if you avoid all bodies of water you’ll never recover or set a new ‘template’.

Good luck 💐

I've worked with several people with trauma/PTSD. This is how I describe it.

When something traumatic happens a part of your subconscious mind is 'assigned' to figure out exactly what happened and why, simply because it was (or in this case, could have been) so terrible that it must be avoided at all costs in the future and that can only be done by understanding every aspect of the event.

If it's something you can rationalise then your mind can easily put it behind you; the road was icy/the other driver was texting, you tripped over a stair rod, etc. If, however, there's no explanation within your grasp - the event was simply random, such as that split second when your daughter got into difficulty in the sea - then your mind will keep on going over all the tiny details as to what could have happened; hence the nightmares and flashbacks.

The key to resolving it is to let that part of the mind know that there is not, and never will be, an rational answer to what happened, and also the constant rumination is actively detracting from your happiness. Once the subconscious realises this is it will let it go. Yes, the memories will still be there but they will have no power or impact on your emotions. If it's not possible to do this yourself a couple of sessions of remedial hypnosis will help you make the change.

Oh my love, what an awful experience for you and your DD. No wonder you’re struggling with it!
I also think counselling for yourself would be useful. It doesn’t matter if your dh doesn’t think the same way - we all process things differently.

Your H is underreacting. You’re not overreacting.

We once had an incident where my then 4 yo nearly got into a different compartment of a crowded train that we were running for. All kinds of lessons for me there (including not running for transport!). We called her back and it was all fine but to this day I get a chill thinking about it. She’s about to turn 17…

This is definitely worth seeking professional help for but don’t beat yourself up for it. All parents make mistakes - including the loving and responsible ones. Just learn from it and do what you need to recover a healthy mental balance.

If my DH reacted like yours in this situation, it would increase my fear that he might not be as vigilant as I would intend to be to be in the future. This would increase my distress and fear. Is this the situation for you?

I have had my DH ridicule me for not letting the children loose in the sea and I got completely angry and lectured him on the drastically increased risks of sea bathing . I was completely certain it was never going to happen and I didn't care that he disagreed. And they never went without me.

It sounds like other parents made the same choices as you did so it doesn't sound like you did anything out of the ordinary.

Forgive yourself and learn from it to only do what feels right for you

I agree counselling could help, but I also think it would be perfectly reasonable to never allow your DD in the sea, at least not til she is much older. We often go to the french Atlantic coast, the sea there is so, so dangerous, so many tourists don't realise. My non swimming DS is never allowed in the sea, but can play in the little pools and inlets. My older DS who swims well can go in with constant close supervision by an adult. I would generally never allow a non swimmer in the sea beyond paddling depth.

A relative of mine drowned. However, my response was to make sure dc were strong swimmers, knew beach safety and what flags meant and did personal survival. They swam in the sea on holidays and got a lot of enjoyment from it. I didn't let my fears stop them from living their life.

10 years ago my son nearly drowned in a swimming lesson age 3. The Teacher hadn’t noticed him go under the water and had their back to him. I had to race from the spectator area, jump into the pool fully clothed and pull him to the top. I was understandably very upset at the time, I had many nightmares about it and it played on my mind all the time, the what if. A decade later I still think about it at least once a week! I feel it has really impacted on my parenting experience - I am so risk averse and over protective of my children, fearful of them getting hurt, untrusting of anyone else looking after them. Looking back I think it would have helped to see a therapist soon after, when I found that I was struggling with it. So I would recommend looking into a few therapy sessions if you think it may be having an impact on you, it can’t do any harm, and you don’t need your husbands permission or for him to attend with you.

(Thankfully my son has no memory of it happening and is now an excellent swimmer!)

Oh @Pickledravish biggest handhold.
Last summer DD almost ran in front of an oncoming van, by darting between parked cars. She wanted to get to DH on the other side, there is no way the van would have heard me screaming (and didn't, because I was screaming). I can't even tell you who grabbed her back, me or DSS, but I wake in the night over it sometimes, thinking about the alternative universe where I lost my perfect three year old.
I'm obsessed with roads and cars now. I understand your fear and I wish you every peace, but I don't think we ever get over these incidents.
Counselling would be good, but I wouldnt expect it to be a cure all. I think this sort of thing haunts us.
I'm so happy your DD is ok and unharmed.

That must have been terrifying. Focusing on what could have happened is not going to help you. You need to switch your focus to what did happen... you saved her, she is here and she is well (easier said than done I know). Trauma therapy might help you navigate through your thought process to reach a point of healing. It's natural to be fearful of getting back in the water but if it's something she wants to do and you want to do then you need to make sure the lessons are learnt and the correct safety and precautions are in place so it can be an enjoyable experience again