Snooping, now what do I do with it?

[vodkacoke]

posted 21-03-2008 10:57 AM
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This is complicated... I moved abroad with H and children, I gave up a well paid job. Things didn't work out and we all came back after 2 years. H couldn't find a job in UK, and has now been working abroad for 18 months on his own. He comes home around 8 weeks a year.
I do not miss him at all but am earning low wage, he sends money to cover mortgage and some bills. I want out, and have done for a while, am much happier without him.

I read his emails without him knowing. He told me his password for a specific email but I can't help still looking.
I found a couple of intimate emails to a foreign girl 2 years ago, but there has been nothing since, so thought it was a fling.
This week he has bought 2 air tickets, 1 in her name for a business trip, on our credit card.
So he obviously has a relationship with her still, 2 years later.
How do I tell him, when I shouldn't know, and there are not the usual signs for me to see, cos he lives so far away.

He says he loves me, and wants to come back home, when he is away, but is withdrawn and miserable when he is here. When he gets drunk, he says he knows I don't love him, and he isn't happy, but never mentions this when sober.

How do I start the conversation? Part of me thinks don't rock the boat, I need his money, but it makes me feel empty to know how dependent I am on him, and what a waste of my life. Or do I have a duty to carry on for the sake of the children???

Please help, and sorry it is so long

god how awful. i don't know what to suggest.

i would have to confront him - is the credit card a joint account?

you can't spend your life in a situation like this - you are right, it is a waste.

He will always have to provide money for his children.. you don't deserve to live unhappily.. you have a duty to yourself for that

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation vc. It's a tricky one.

If I were you, I guess I'd print out any 'proof' of his wrong doing just for the future (solicitor, etc.).

I would lie low and keep on snooping in his inbox and outbox (sent items, saved items, etc.) and continue to read what ges in there, esp. AFTER the booked trip. Once you have the black and white confo that he's been up to no good I'd wait till you see him to let him know you are in the loop on everything. Before you see him I'd see a solicitor for free advice and speak to tax and child maintenance agencies. So you'll know where you stand. I'm sure other MNs can give you more in detail advice.

TBH, if you're living apart from each other and you've built your own life, then why not break away completely, you'll be free to pursue your own dreams!

I'm wishing you strength.

Thanks for your supportive messages.
The credit card is a joint one, but I found her name when I opened his e-ticket, which had been emailed to him, so I shouldn't know that info really.
I have printed it off, and given it to my Mum, she has a stash of incriminating info at her house, for when I get the guts to start the ball rolling.
I am going to DRs next week for a check up, I think he may have given me genital warts, which is much more 'concrete' evidence of playing around, as I have only ever been with him. I think if the tests come up with anything, I will start the conversation then . He won't have an argument will he.

It is just so difficult, when I am so financially dependent on him, to say,' I want to leave, but I need you to pay some money.'
He is not the sort of man to accept that.

Could you tell him you want him to leave? Or at least let him know that when he comes back he will not be coming back as your partner/husband?

Open your own bank account for which you have access only, and start directing all your own money into it eg. salary, tax credits, child benefit, a portion of the housekeeping you might have access to thro your joint account.

Do you plan on staying in the marital home when you part comapny, you should get a portion of the assets too, so you wont be alone.

I would definitely get legal advice ASAP, it will hlep striaghten tihngs in your mind.

Also make sure you have his NI number and photocopy his latest payslip (it makes CSA applications so much more easier....), he'll have to pay child support, but I dont know what kind of jurisdiction the CSA have overseas. I suspect none to very little.

I do hope he hasnt passed on an STI to you, you poor thing. Good luck

That's great you have all the evidence that you do. Nothing wrong with you snooping to get the info - after all, he is the one who is in the wrong, not you. Don't be worried about your financial situation. He has an obligation to pay you a percentage of his earnings for the upkeep of the kids and then a good solicitor can work on getting you more. Your children won't thank you for remaining with someone who is making you miserable and you would show them a far better example by being happy and strong by yourself or by being in a loving respectful relationship with someone who makes you happy. I was in a similar situation in some respects and even though I have less money now I am far far happier, have my independence back and have found someone who is amazing and who adores my kids and vice versa.

OMG, an STI? I seriously hope for you, that your suspicions are unfounded. I really do.

I'm so passionate about this because a girlfriend of mine got Chlams from her tosser BF and it was detected so late that they told her she might not be able to hv kids. I hate, hate, HATE cheating men who give a toss about their wives' lives. Who couldn't care less about infecting them and destroying their future...

If I were you, I'd have no second thoughts about fucking him over, too. I agree with fuzzy to open your own bank account and transfer all money in there. On top of that: do you have a mutual cheque book? Write yourself some cheques, 500,- 600,- Pounds and cash them bit by bit and give the money to your Mum to put it into her account.

In case of a divorce you might have to declare your own account, you know. So best if you shove the money into your Mum's. Fiddle some cash away which will see you through the beginning of it all and in case he's being tight with $$$. Change your salary to your new account, too and get copies of all bank statements, insurances, joint/single policies, benefits, inheritances, etc. You'll need them for a divorce. Good on you for stashing it all with your mother.

Most importantly: yes that piece of info on email was not for your eyes... Obviously not, as it proves he is cheating, lying and taking money out of your joint account to treat that bitch. STOP FEELING BAD ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW. It is only right that you should find it. You have done nothing wrong, your are a good mother and wife and he has betrayed your trust. Just because the info wasn't meant for you, doesn't mean you cannot use it! It is karma time, baby. He was meant to be found out, so that you can go on and have a fabulous life without that twat.

Power hug!

Thanks guys, I just wanted some support, and you have all helped me to see that the time for action is coming.
I have been feeling like this for a good year, hence the stashing documents with my Mum.
I have a separate bank account which has child benefit paid in, and I will think about moving my salary to it too. I have a secret ISA with £2000 in, that he doesn't know about, and Mum has the paperwork for that too.
I spoke to a solicitor last year, so I know I am in a strong position, the only prob is that he is abroad, and chasing him for cash will be a nightmare, so I have to tread carefully.
I know this relationship is dead and buried. When I found out that the OW is still around, (so prob is a major fixture in his life, I have lived in Asia and know about western men and their pretty little girlfriends who disappear when wife turns up, and are back before wife is at airport!!)I did not feel sad or angry about the betrayal.
Only furious that every time he comes home he gets drunk and then blames all our relationship woes on me. I am doing a full time job, keeping the house running, running round after the children.
Yes he is living on his own (ahh bless)but I never get a minute to myself. I haven't sought the company of another, and tbh, I actually enjoy being the only adult. I have never been on my own, and find it it far less lonely and stifling that when he is around.

This is awful, but part of me is hoping I do have an STI, just because then I can confront him with that first, which gives me a reason for the snooping. Can't believe I think like that.