Single again. Having a wobble.

[ForgetmenotFox]

Hello there MN

Having a bit of a wobble today & wondering if anyone’s able to help me with a bit of reassurance or a hand hold.
Am in tears right now, Was feeling calm & happy til today.

I recently made the decision to end my relationship of 3.5 years, had ‘the chat’ ten days ago after feeling utterly unsettled with a weird gut feeling for months. Things became toxic, we had a few major arguments in the last 6 months. We did not live together.

My son is gutted, he was very close to my ex, they shared hobbies, were very close, & this is making me feel guilty, sad & questioning some of the issues/red flags.

I want to share some things that left me feeling confused & unhappy - I’m hoping for some reassurance if anyone has a moment.

= Met a few of his friends over 3.5 years, never met his boss/bosses family (who he spent time with from time to time & who he considers friends) he always mentioned other friends who I never met, told me at start he has a few ‘really good female friends’ - was looking forward to meeting them, only ever met one of them, he described her as ‘a really good friend, like a ‘sister’ - found out accidentally after we’d been together for a year, he was going to go & meet her (he said he was doing something else) he then invited me along, I went along, very weird atmosphere, she couldn’t have been less interested in meeting me, didn’t seem that fussed about seeing him either.

= Ex was a much higher earner than me without children, was extremely generous with gifts for me & my son, paying for nights out, expensive meals etc. if we argued however, things were mentioned ‘after everything I paid for yesterday… etc’
Which made me feel like things were transactional.

= Very possessive of his phone, seemed anxious about leaving it out of sight, if he was showing me a photo on it or something would stay next to me, seemed uncomfortable with me holding it at times.

= crap at apologising, used ‘if’ or ‘but’ after apologising, presented as defensive or heightened when i questioned him calmly about this/questioned other behaviours or asked about meeting his (female) friends or other friends, included him in a lot of social events with my friends who all made him feel very welcome.
Never ever was he first to apologise when we fell out/argued.

= Told me he loved me ALL the time sometimes ten times a day, verbally, text, yet I felt constantly unsettled.
He was charming, very funny, very thoughtful which made things really hard to let go of. My family/friends all loved him.
I haven’t told everyone we have separated, his stuff is still lying around at my home, the photos are still on the wall.

Thank you for reading this essay, 🙏🏽

"crap at apologising, used ‘if’ or ‘but’ after apologising, presented as defensive or heightened when i questioned him calmly about this/questioned other behaviours or asked about meeting his (female) friends or other friends, included him in a lot of social events with my friends who all made him feel very welcome.
Never ever was he first to apologise when we fell out/argued."

This is the key one for me. Defensive and lacks accountability. My ex was the same. I bet he also said you were oversensitive and overreacting.

Make a list of all the red flags/events/memories of when he made you feel awful. Refer back to it when you have a wobble. I'm in the same boat as you and I do waver from time to time but I know logically I made the right decision. If it wasn't making you happy, you couldn't have stayed.

Thanks @Emmylou22 for your post :)

'Overreacting' yep.
Bring accused of attacking/criticising when I was actually asking valid & important questions. Was just curiosity sometimes.

Hope you're doing ok.

‘after everything I paid for yesterday… etc’
Which made me feel like things were transactional.

That is such a warning sign in itself. It's 'I can behave however I want because I've paid for you, so be quiet woman'. What a turn off.

Sounds to me like you've done the right thing. I am very sceptical of men who have a number of close female friends. It does happen, but some men (as well as women) enjoy having a group of potential suitors around them, either to play mind games with their partner, or to keep them in their pockets just in case they have a rainy day.

You felt uncomfortable, that's enough on its own to end things. You don't need a reason. I agree though some of his behaviours sound like red flags.

It's a shame your DS is sad about it but no reason to change your decision.

I went out with someone like this, very charming, people loved him. But never apologised and if he did it was exactly as you describe. I know it’s hard but remember how he made you feel and don’t dismiss this or think you should ignore or put up with things because of some of the positives. You’ve done the right thing.

Thanks for the posts @Emmylou22 @EarthSight @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug @Tristar15
Really lovely of you to take the time to share your thoughts & experiences
It's so helpful.

I am dreading telling some of my family/friends because I know there will be a 'what a shame!' response from many.
And I can't be arsed to explain.

But this calm feeling I've had a hell of a lot since it ended is amazing.

He made me feel insecure, jealous & angry towards the end

When they say "what a shame", just say actually no, it's definitely the right thing and I'm happy to move on. People mostly realise that the only people who know what goes on in a relationship are the two in the relationship. And they'll take their cues from you as to how to respond to the news.

It's harder with your son, though. But he too does not have a clear picture of the situation (even more so as he can't understand grown up stuff!). Just empathise with him: I know you miss him, he was fun, wasn't he? I'm sorry you can't see him any more etc. But at the same time be sure in your mind that you can't stay in a relationship for the sake of your child.

I think you've done the right thing. He sounds like a real headfuck!

@ForgetmenotFox my ex did the same. I would ask a question or express my feelings calmly and he would explode 'are you fucking joking me?'. He claims I'm unreasonable expecting anything better and that any man would react the same. If that's the case, I'll stay single forever thanks!!

I am ok but it is so tough grieving for the relationship I desperately wanted to have. I do feel sad but I also remind myself daily why I ended it. I read something that said women do all they can to make a relationship work. When they say they're done, they truly are done. We put up with a lot and when we make that decision to end it, it's usually the right one.

We'll come out of this stronger. I'm going to create a list of non-negotiables for when I'm ready to date again. I won't put up with any rubbish again!

Can you get involved in your son's hobbies so he doesn't feel so alone in them?

Agree with PP. Tell people the relationship wasn't working anymore and you've split up. You don't need to give any more details.

The right relationship will make you feel calm and at peace. This wasn’t the right relationship and you did the right thing.

It’s better to be alone and at peace than to feel anxious, sad, etc. with someone supposedly by your side. They were not.

Stay strong in your decision - you did the right thing for you.

Look up covert narcissism - he sounds textbook.

Everyone thinks they’re lovely whilst behind the scenes their partner is getting manipulated and feels like she’s going crazy. Often materialistic and yes, remind you of everything they’ve done for you. Like to give the impression they have lots of female friends to keep you nice and insecure (triangulation)
They’re never wrong, never apologise and love bomb you to death in the beginning and when they feel you pulling away.

The biggest red flag though:
Very possessive of his phone, seemed anxious about leaving it out of sight, if he was showing me a photo on it or something would stay next to me, seemed uncomfortable with me holding it at times.

Someone with nothing to hide wouldn’t give a shit if their partner wanted to use their phone so it’s pretty obvious he’s up to something.

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.

Fucking hell

This is the first link I looked at.

health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism

You're right, @theworldie - what I have read is basically.... him.

It’s a head fuck isn’t it?

I recommend looking at Instagram - there are lots of narc abuse therapists on there who give greater understanding of their behaviours and why you will now be reeling and probably wondering what was real or not. Some of the ones I look at are Synful, coachelizabethshaw, iammonicayearwood and narcabusecoach. Knowledge is power and it can help to know what you’ve been dealing with.

They are wolves in sheep’s clothing and often pathological liars to boot!

Thanks @theworldie
Going to check them out
Feeling calm all week, knowing that I have to see him tomorrow morning when I go to pick up a couple of things, head scrambled & anxiety through the roof. Tells me everything I need to know.