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London dating scene advice

12 replies

Cavaliere · 10/04/2024 08:47

So… Start of last year I separated from my childhood sweetheart due to his refusal to deal with long-term porn addiction issues. We co parent happily since then and now divorced. Started dating an old friend who I fell in love with but he dumped me last month so I have lost the new relationship and the friendship. Hadn’t made him part of my children’s lives yet fortunately.

Going to slowly dip my toe into London dating soon once heart less bruised.

Where does a 40+ with children find love? Which apps are best in London? Are speed dating events worth the effort?

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 12/04/2024 00:50

@Cavaliere

I know that it might sound a bit old-fashioned, but I wonder whether there might be something to gain from going to events like the ones organised by Intelligence Squared. They are not dating events, but they could be a good place to meet other people while you are finding your feet.

https://www.intelligencesquared.com/attend/

You might enjoy a tutored tasting at Berry Bros. as well.

https://www.bbr.com/category-events

I like the Wellcome Collection, you meet the most fascinating people there having lunch

https://wellcomecollection.org/whats-on

I know that the above isn't a proper answer to your question, but other posters will probably know more about dating apps and can advise.

.

occhiazzurri · 12/04/2024 05:14

I don’t think you are going to find love on a dating app in London if you are in my age range (early 40s). I recently saw it on one profile - not looking for the love of my life on here.

I have been single and trying to date in London for the last five years and only meet people looking for casual sex or who don’t know what they want or just looking to date every woman under the sun on OLD. This is the experience of the other single women I know aged 40+.

I think kids activities / meeting someone through your kids school or sport etc could be an avenue for you as I have been to so many IRL events but you never meet any 40-year olds with kids because they are too busy and on dating apps. Speed dating tends to attract women only but there are other events now organised by various groups to try meet people IRL. I think they tend to attract people in their 20s-30s though.

If you have a look at the dating thread you can see the experience of others in London and beyond.

Cavaliere · 12/04/2024 14:16

Haha casual sex wouldn’t be such a bad thing at this stage but I think I’d be too scared that I’d end up with someone with bad intentions. Definitely love the idea of going to some different types of events without necessarily having the aim of meeting someone.

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 12/04/2024 21:18

I would also recommend private views at exhibitions - private and public galleries. You may meet some younger people there. I don’t recommend wine tastings/courses as it tends to be a much older crowd.

Pinkbonbon · 12/04/2024 21:28

What's the rush?
It sounds like you're always in a relationship. Maybe take some time single and just learn to 'be'. Or date a little and have some fun.

I couldn't imagine coming out of marriage straight into a new relationship (Let alone 'love') and then ending that a month ago and immediately thinking about how to get dating again.

It sounds like you're looking for a plaster. And I understand that but, sometimes you should heal your own hurts.

OodlesPoodle · 12/04/2024 23:19

Dating is such an individual, personal experience - it's best to try it for yourself. What didn't work for someone might work for you and vice versa.

I'm a fan of the apps - because it's just another way to meet people. They're all the same really and most people are on Tinder, Bumble or Hinge in London - or multiple apps. Most important is to not waste time messaging too much, and organise a meet up quickly. Treat it like you would meeting someone in real life - you could have great chemistry at work or a pub or at an event and then after a few dates realise you're not compatible. An app just speeds up the process a bit as it's more intentional. I've used them on and off since 2014 and met my ExH on Tinder (who was a thoroughly decent man) and my current DP on Bumble. I had far worse dating experiences with people i met in real life, like a colleague and a friend of a friend. Rubbish men are rubbish no matter where you meet them.

Vet profiles thoroughly - profiles with too many selfies, emojis, nothing in the bio etc avoid. If they turn the convo to sex or flirting before the first date, avoid. I personally think it's a good idea to have sex early on so you don't waste time if that's rubbish, but you do what feels comfortable for you. If you can't separate sex and emotion, then wait. Casual sex is great but only if you don't get attached just because he cuddles you after sex. It just means he enjoys affection, not that he wants a relationship. Don't take their relationship desires personally either. I see so many women complain about profiles where guys say they want casual, or don't want to settle down etc - and I think, so what, just don't match with him. Even before the apps, if you asked every guy you worked with or met in a pub - there'd be plenty who didn't want a relationship..People all date differently and want different things - nothing to do with you. Remember, they're all strangers.

Take men at face value i.e if he says he's after casual, don't think it's getting serious just because he treats you well. If he says he's got baggage and not ready for commitment, don't think you can change him.

Mostly just have a thick skin and don't take rejection personally. Like you wouldn't give up finding a new job just because you got rejected by a few. You don't need every man to fancy you or want to date you/have a relationship with you - just one! You won't be everyone's cup of tea and they won't be yours.

Defo try hobbies, events, activities as well - so the apps don't become your entire social life. It's an exciting time! Plenty of divorcees in their 40s looking for similar to you. It can get tiring and rubbish after a few too many bad dates, so take frequent breaks when you're feeling jaded. Only ever bring your best self to the table, the other times just do your own thing. Hope this helps.

TheSquareMile · 13/04/2024 11:33

Somewhere else where you might meet interesting guys are places like Birkbeck and CityLit, if you are interested in doing a new course. I know some really nice guys from both of those places.

If you want to really focus on finding a new relationship, you could always go down the old-fashioned route and enquire with somewhere like Sara Eden or Drawing Down the Moon.

I met Karen, the founder of Sara Eden herself, a few years ago, she's very nice.

Candyrushsaga · 14/04/2024 15:07

Some of my colleagues use OLD. Tinder and the chats on there are so much BS. But they do somehow end up meeting people they get into a relationship with. I think most look for casual sex though.

Cavaliere · 14/04/2024 22:48

Pinkbonbon · 12/04/2024 21:28

What's the rush?
It sounds like you're always in a relationship. Maybe take some time single and just learn to 'be'. Or date a little and have some fun.

I couldn't imagine coming out of marriage straight into a new relationship (Let alone 'love') and then ending that a month ago and immediately thinking about how to get dating again.

It sounds like you're looking for a plaster. And I understand that but, sometimes you should heal your own hurts.

That’s exactly why I was asking for advice on how to dip my toe into some fun dating 🤔

Quite clearly stated that the new relationship was with an old friend hence becoming ‘love’ quicker than one would expect normally.

Happily I have always been
able to be myself, focus on personal growth and have independent interests even within relationships so don’t need to find myself now- happy to go out and meet different people and see what happens.

OP posts:
Cavaliere · 14/04/2024 22:49

OodlesPoodle · 12/04/2024 23:19

Dating is such an individual, personal experience - it's best to try it for yourself. What didn't work for someone might work for you and vice versa.

I'm a fan of the apps - because it's just another way to meet people. They're all the same really and most people are on Tinder, Bumble or Hinge in London - or multiple apps. Most important is to not waste time messaging too much, and organise a meet up quickly. Treat it like you would meeting someone in real life - you could have great chemistry at work or a pub or at an event and then after a few dates realise you're not compatible. An app just speeds up the process a bit as it's more intentional. I've used them on and off since 2014 and met my ExH on Tinder (who was a thoroughly decent man) and my current DP on Bumble. I had far worse dating experiences with people i met in real life, like a colleague and a friend of a friend. Rubbish men are rubbish no matter where you meet them.

Vet profiles thoroughly - profiles with too many selfies, emojis, nothing in the bio etc avoid. If they turn the convo to sex or flirting before the first date, avoid. I personally think it's a good idea to have sex early on so you don't waste time if that's rubbish, but you do what feels comfortable for you. If you can't separate sex and emotion, then wait. Casual sex is great but only if you don't get attached just because he cuddles you after sex. It just means he enjoys affection, not that he wants a relationship. Don't take their relationship desires personally either. I see so many women complain about profiles where guys say they want casual, or don't want to settle down etc - and I think, so what, just don't match with him. Even before the apps, if you asked every guy you worked with or met in a pub - there'd be plenty who didn't want a relationship..People all date differently and want different things - nothing to do with you. Remember, they're all strangers.

Take men at face value i.e if he says he's after casual, don't think it's getting serious just because he treats you well. If he says he's got baggage and not ready for commitment, don't think you can change him.

Mostly just have a thick skin and don't take rejection personally. Like you wouldn't give up finding a new job just because you got rejected by a few. You don't need every man to fancy you or want to date you/have a relationship with you - just one! You won't be everyone's cup of tea and they won't be yours.

Defo try hobbies, events, activities as well - so the apps don't become your entire social life. It's an exciting time! Plenty of divorcees in their 40s looking for similar to you. It can get tiring and rubbish after a few too many bad dates, so take frequent breaks when you're feeling jaded. Only ever bring your best self to the table, the other times just do your own thing. Hope this helps.

This is such helpful advice on all the different angles to consider - thank you!

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 16/04/2024 21:40

I just saw this on a 40+ year old’s profile “Just browsing for fun.” Sums up what you can expect on OLD.

Date2date · 18/06/2024 00:19

@Cavaliere did you find some good options? In a similar situation and looking for inspiring sources for potential dates myself!

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