How to handle DD's behaviour towards my partner

[Lilybelle11]

I've been a single parent since my DD, 10, was only 2. She has no contact with her Father. My older Daughter, 16, also lives at home. There have only been the three of us at home since the break up.
I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for the last 18 months. He has a DD, 11, and our girls get on really well, which is nice.
My younger DD, does very much like my partner, but I know she feels jealous / worried about me having a relationship after she has basically had me to herself for all these years. She can be quite rude and nasty towards him. I know it's understandable for her to feel as she does, just wondered if anyone had any experience or advice they could give me.
TIA.

Have you explained that you understand how she's feeling? That it's ok to feel like that but not ok to be rude and hurtful to him? Maybe suggest she keeps a journal to help her process her feelings - say it can be private or she can show you parts if it makes it easier for her to share her worries?

Thanks for your advice. That's a good idea.
We've talked about it a lot, and she has her big Sister she can talk to also.

I started seeing my widowed partner when his son was 8. He had lost his mum when he was a baby and there had basically just been him and his dad for years! I came along and we didn’t rush things but he was very resentful and quite nasty and cutting towards me! We nearly split up a few times as I found it really really hard. My advice is keep communicating with your daughter, do things just you and her so she knows how important she is. Hard as it is your partner has to put on a brave face and keep being nice and patient . I’ve been with my now husband for 16 years and myself and stepson have a brilliant relationship. He actually said to his dad recently he feels bad about how arsey he was to me. Stick with it - reassurance and longer time together will help your little girl see that having a stepdad is a bonus not a threat xx

I would suggest keeping them apart, see your partner away from your home, and without your daughter

New father figure - maybe she’s testing the boundaries? In her mind she might be thinking that if he stands by her at her absolute worst, he’ll stick around and she can open her heart to him more long term.

I would suggest keeping them apart, see your partner away from your home, and without your daughter

I agree. She shouldn't have to deal with mum's new boyfriend.

Confusing for her, and always causes problems.

PS humour and taking her to one side when she has been horrible and gently explaining about being kind.

New father figure Give over 🙄

One reason most single mums are not ideal . They stay with kids 24/7 a guy who isn't patient can easily get pushed away. Tbh I suggest you talk to your daughter and see what she says and tell her that you also can't be single forever . Do give your partner an option also as eventually he may get tired and it would be too far gone

She can be quite rude and nasty towards him.

That kind of behaviour should be absolutely unacceptable. She is allowed to have her feelings and to share them with you, but she should not be allowed to treat anyone this way.

Ideal for what?

Why when he is a lovely man and all the girls get on great? How will that help the relationships develop?

Give her lots of quality 1:1 time. Regularly. A shared interest.

Time alone with you to make her feel more secure

I would simply only see him outside of the house or when she's not at home. No need for the two of them to interact at all.

Doesn't that risk him becoming some special secret of Mum's that she's hiding from DD - that wouldn't be good I don't think.
I would think just go slowly slowly.

I don't think it would @LittleWeed2 . And the going slowly ship has long since sailed.

I think it says 'I hear you dd, and I respect that this is your home and safe space. But being rude to him is not the correct way to voice your concerns. Please tell me what they are so we can work it through, I know you're not a rude person. I do really like him and want to continue ti see him. So, my compromise is that I carry on seeing him, but he won't come to the house till you're ready. Would you be happy with that?'

As a mum myself with a DD and a husband who has been her stepdad for 8 years now, I think it's important for you to continue to do stuff together, just you and her so she knows that relationship hasn't changed. When I started seeing my now husband we got her to choose some days out so she could get to know him and that worked well. I agree with others though, it's okay for her to have feelings and be upset but she needs pulling up on rudeness. That's not okay. Hope everything improves.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. Lots of good advice there, much of which I am already doing.
It's lovely to hear some success stories. I think it will just take time, patience and understanding on our part.

I have similar with dd. I tell her it’s ok for her not to like the situation and she doesn’t have to spend a lot of time with him if she doesn’t want to, but that she can’t be rude.

And I make sure she is clear she is my priority. She does actually like my partner, she just doesn’t like that he’s my boyfriend! And I told her that is understandable.

I think you need a balance of compassion and understanding but a clear line drawn that her behaviour isn’t acceptable and her feelings do not make her behaviour ok.

i don’t agree keeping them apart is the answer. You are allowed a life too and your partner needs to feel that you care and value him and will not allow your daughter to behave this way towards him.

keeping him away isn’t fixing her problem at all. We went through this. Youngest avoided coming as he couldn’t cope that mum and dad were never getting back together. His mother encouraged this behaviour. I said to my partner this isn’t helping the problem he has. I’m still here whether he comes or not and we need his mother to support this and tell him no you’re going to dads and I will be waiting for you. Went on for weeks. Came but refused to stay. As ex was encouraging this bullshit we said ok if he doesn’t want to stay, you come and collect him. You can guarantee that happened once and once only. Soon as she was inconvenienced it stopped. First weekend he came and stayed he broke down at the table for being told to eat his lunch. I had a chat with him and said this isn’t about the sandwich is it? No. He admitted he finally understood his mum and dad wouldn’t be together. I explained about how they both still love him but they love you better apart and they’re happier etc etc. he had learnt from this experience tears got him his own way. Well with his parents anyway. Tried the tears with me, I said you can cry and call mum but mum isn’t coming to get you and at 11pm we’re not taking you. When he realised crying wasn’t going to work he just slotted right back into blended family life.

dont think kids won’t play games and be hella manipulative they are lol cunning little sods