Dumping a boyfriend in later life - how?

[SoUnsureWhatToDo]

I know this is going to sound really immature. I'm in my 50s FFS.

However, a met someone (similar age to me) via a dating app about 6 months ago. He treats me very well and is very keen. He wants to come over and see me several days a week. He's helped me out a lot with stuff for my house and we have some niche hobbies in common - all well and good.

However, I'm just not sure I'm feeling it. He's made racist comments in the past, which don't sit well with me (I did say I didn't find it appropriate and he's stopped, but it doesn't mean his thinking has changed). He's trying via court to get 50/50 custody of his two children, but this seems to be his main topic of conversation and we don't seem to do very much. He'll come over and we'll watch telly and have a glass of wine together, but that's about it, unless I suggest something different. I WFH so like to get out a lot when not working. I find it hard to get a good night's sleep when he stays as he's a restless sleeper, so I wake up cranky in the morning and because we both start work later in the day, unless I am proactive to get him out of bed, he'll happily stay there until 10.30 or 11am and I hate wasting my free time lounging in bed!!

I want to let him know that I think we should call it a day, but he's super-keen to get very serious and a couple of weeks ago mentioned the "L" word.

He's nice, good-looking, solvent, we have contact every day (via text or phone) when we don't see each other and he tells me often how lucky he is to have met me. I feel like I should be thanking my lucky stars, but I'm not.

How do I tell him I don't think we should see each other any more? It's years since I've done this.

Just tell him you aren't suited. That you prefer sleeping alone. It's very hard to argue with a preference.

Let me guess, is he fairly recently divorced?

Similar timeframe to myself. Separated 3 years, divorced finalized 1 year. Why?

You have to bite the bullet and tell him straight.

It’s never nice but just be honest and say it’s not working for you and wish him well. You shouldn’t stay with someone you’re not feeling it with.

If you aren’t feeling it what does it matter if he is keen etc?

I would just text him to say you have enjoyed spending time together but you can’t see a future in it for you and you know your feelings won’t change about that.

If you think texting is too cold then maybe ring him. Face to face is always the worst way in my experience.

I guess most things are there on paper and I feel like I should be feeling it. I'm just not sure and I don't think he actually knows me well enough to be using the "L" word yet, so that makes me feel uncomfortable too.

Set him free so he can find someone who appreciates boring, racist men

When you want to be with someone you don’t feel like this.
Move on OP
💐

You just say "This isn't working for me any more, I'm afraid I don't want to continue seeing you any more. You've not done anything, I just don't think we're well suited"

If he tries to convince you otherwise, just keep repeating bits of the above.

Thanks all for your words. I guess I just bite the bullet.

I don't really want to do it by text because 6 months seems a bit too long for that, but I don't really want him coming to my house so I can do it and we don't really go out anywhere.

Looks like it will have to be by phone....

"I'm sorry but it's fizzled out for me. I hope you have a happy life, but I need to say Goodbye".

How about arranging to go for a walk in a public place like a busy park. Then you can tell him and go your separate ways. If he won't meet you and wants to come round to your house, then tell him over the phone. Don't pay any attention to any whining of how callous you are for telling him via phone and do not feel guilty. It's your life.

In addition, he sounds on the road to becoming a cocklodger so you may be best knocking this on the head anyway 😊

Divorced for a year, been in a relationship with you for 6 months - sounds like he found a woman who slotted into his life conveniently and quickly. Explains the lack of effort.

Be honest… it’s only 6 months …just say your not feeling it

Possibly, though that was just when the divorce was finalised (decree absolute). The divorce was initiated 3 years earlier. Like for me, it was a long process (not going to go into details).

Call him, be firm on your decision, dont offer to stay friends or respond to any messages after, otherwise some can be a real pain to break contact with.

Thanks all.

I think I've figured out what the issue is. It feels too domesticated and like being married again.

I left an ok (definitely not awful) marriage because I felt trapped and bored. It was like living in a guilded cage.

This relationship has moved too quickly into slopping around in PJs with the telly, when what I want is a bit of fun and excitement. I want the apprehension of getting dolled up for a night out together, or doing new stuff together and that's what the first few months should be like. I don't want someone coming in and interfering with my slobbing around in front of the telly time and I certainly don't want to actually live with anyone ever again.

What's your plan? Are you going to call it a day?

That's totally fair OP. Just rip the plaster off. Quick phone call in a quiet moment, no need to be lengthy, tell him you feel you want different things and that you should go your separate ways.

My goodness SoUnsure...
You sound exactly like me!

Thank you for putting it so succinctly in your last post.

Also, yes, you do need to move on. My current solution is single, with a fwb. We doll up to see each other, have a lovely time then go back to our own lives. It wouldn't suit everybody, but we talked it through at the start and several years in, it's still suiting us.

Good luck.

Oh yeah he’s moved straight to slobbing on the sofa in pyjamas and sleeping in late. The initial “doing dates” stage should last a hell of a lot longer than that, even if it’s free stuff like walking or free museums, or just trying out some new coffee shops and mooching round a new town.

Enjoy your freedom! And don’t feel bad about it.

I think you can just say that you don’t feel you are compatible in the long term and not suited to live together. I h think if you know you could well be feeling ‘Love’ within 6 months. But if it’s not here you cannot force it. If he has said it and it’s made you uncomfortable that tells you what you need to know. Trust your gut instinct.

I’d do it by text and suggest a call. It’ll give him some time to digest and then offering a call means you’re happy to discuss if he wishes and he can collect his thoughts prior to the call. Be aware that he may criticise whichever way you choose to do it (from experience!) so best to rip the plaster off.

fwiw, it sounds a bit soon for him to have his feet under the table so to speak. And you are totally right to finish it for any reason at all, women are so often encouraged to “give him a chance…” etc etc. You don’t owe a man your time and energy.

I was going to say 6 months is a bit early for “dates” to be sitting in front of the tv and having a glass of wine. Dear God, what’s it going to be like if he gets 50 percent time with his kids?

this is not what I’m looking for/I don’t want a serious relationship so soon after my divorce/fuck it I don’t you an explanation I’m just not feeling it.

Just say it.
You don't have to give a reason or justification or explain yourself.

I'm so sorry but this isn't working for me so we'll not see each other any more, wishing you all the best for the future.