Sick of it

[Al991]

Yes I’ve posted about this before sorry for repetition. I am getting really sick of my relationship and it’s destroying my mental health.

We have a baby who is 7 months. I had a lot of anxiety during the pregnancy and was quite difficult to be around. I also had a traumatic birth and PND. This caused a lot of problems in the relationship. My partner was understandably stressed but said some very horrible things to me, for example making fun of me for calling a crisis line.

Things are ‘better’ now sort of but my partner I still horrible to me all the time, always confrontational about things I’ve done wrong. If I retaliate I get asked why I’m starting an argument. I am not allowed to ask to be treated more kindly, this results in me getting screamed at. I am not allowed to go and stay with my family as this is ‘taking my daughter away’.

I do love my partner and there are days when these things don’t happen or happen less. There are times when it seems things will turn out ok. But I don’t know if I can be in a ‘relationship' with someone who was so awful when i was at my most vulnerable and who continues to treat me like crap, then deny it.

Housework is also an issue (isnt it always). The majority of cooking and all cleaning falls to me. I personally pay for a cleaner by myself. i also do most childcare including all nights.

The thing is, I sort of want it to work still. Also, we own a house together and dont see how i could afford to rent somewhere alone. the bank still owns most of the house so i wouldnt even get money selling it. Family live very far away and so would lead to lots of problems in regards to partner seeing the child.

Do i just accept that my life is now spent cleaning up after someone who is horrible most of the time?

"Do i just accept that my life is now spent cleaning up after someone who is horrible most of the time?"

Well it would appear that's what you want to do?

What are you getting out of this relationship? Why should you put up with being abused like this? I don't know how you could cope with leaving but I think you should for your own sake and that of your child.

Do i just accept that my life is now spent cleaning up after someone who is horrible most of the time?

Absolutely not, unless you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is acceptable. And end up in a similar situation to you,

Leave. It will hurt for a few months / years maybe but in the long run it’ll be the best decision you make.

it’s been 6 months since me and my partner broke up (I am due to give birth to our second baby any time now) - although it hurts I am at peace if that makes sense.

Dont waste your precious time. Bite the bullet, set boundaries and move back with your family. The rest you will be able to figure out once you have some time to yourself to reflect and think throughly about what you are going to do with the house etc.

I suspect living with this man is causing you most of your MH problems tbh.

You can leave for any reason but in your case I would get some help and support in place first from your GP, health visitor, some GPs can signpost you to counselling and also some have social proscribers who can support you practically and emotionally.

Also contact Women's Aid, they might be able to signpost you to a local abuse centre who will know what you can access. You can email them.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I am not allowed to go and stay with my family as this is ‘taking my daughter away’.
Yes you are allowed to visit especially if they are in the same country. He has no right to stop you. Again, Women's Aid.

You don't love this vile cunt. You really don't.

Run for your life.

If you’re sick of it and he won’t change, then you have the choice to either a) make changes that probably include ending the relationship or b) accept it will always be shit.
Can you buy him out of the house?
Can he buy you out?
Maybe see a solicitor and discuss options.

Get out you deserve better honestly in the long run you will be glad you did

No human being deserves this. Don't accept it. Leave.

So you do all the housework and childcare for a 'man' who calls you names, screams at you and won't "allow" you to take your child to visit your family?

I realise it's easier said than done but of course you need to leave, this is not a healthy environment for you or your child, surely you see that?

Thank you for the replies. I think money is probably the sticking point here. Or lack of it. Living and renting alone is just about doable, but daunting! We would struggle.

Have you checked a benefits calculator as you might be entitled to something. Plus you should get CMS.

Struggling financially for a couple of years is surely better than living this life right now?

You will probably be better off financially tbh UC good luck you deserve better YOLO

Well you should probably split up as you don't sound happy. And he treats you awfully.

Options are one of you leaves and the other buys them out of the house.

Or you sell the house and split the profit.

You would need to total up all pensions, savings and house equity and decide how it is to be split. Ditto possession's.

So the first thing to figure is would you want to stay or go? What will your dp do? Then look at how to afford it.

You would also have to consider custody.

For fuck sake why do you still want this to work out. Do you what you need to do to get out, it's not worth it as you are getting nothing out of it!

You may be able to get universal credit, support towards rent and child maintenance. How much is the house worth and what is the mortgage redemption value? It may give you enough to set up somewhere else (bit of furniture etc??)

Do you have any family you can stay with whilst you sort yourself out? Personally I’d be leaving asap.

Speak to Womens aid and Citizens advice.

She says partner several times so no need to total up pensions and savings etc as they aren't married. However she does need to get the house sold (or he buys her out) and claim her share of equity, even if it's only 2K.

OP while your DC is young it is easier to leave. This relationship is one sided.

A partner has no right in telling you what to do, who to visit and when, its a relationship, not ownership.

Your partner is abusive, start looking at his actions and stop listening to his words, words are easy. He knows what to say in order to hoover you in and to keep you good. Again, he has no ownership of you, or his child.

You have every right to seek help from whoever you see fit, and calling a crisis line is a good call too, well done for doing this. He sounds like he needs to grow up a great deal.

Mocking someone when they are at their lowest, or during a difficult period tells you a lot about a person, he is displaying a really nasty character.

Would you rather have a short time worrying over money by being alone, or worrying over how he will treat you and his DC for years to come?

Take some of your power back. He does not have ownership over you. YOU DECIDE. Also, if a person wants to treat you with such low standard and contempt, why would you think he would change? He is showing you clearly how he feels about you in the way he treats the mother of his DC.

If you decide to leave, then please call womans aid or chat to them online, remember to cover your tracks. And any paperwork on the house, get that sorted and take to a person you trust along with passports. If you have joint bank account make one for yourself now, as you will need it for potential benefits you may receive in future. But call Womans aid.

Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk)

@Pixiedust1234 true but they have a child together so reasonably they should leave on a equal footing. But yes legally it's joint assets

Of course you're allowed to go and visit with your family, he doesn't own you - I suggest you just go to them, get some support and TLC, and decide your next moves from there.

You realise this isn't just about how he treats you anymore, but what your child will be exposed to and witness to if you stay?

No, they're not married. The house is a joint asset, nothing else will be unless they deliberately put it in joint names.

You aren't happy. Unless there is any chance of him improving (and I'd say that's unlikely), you need to leave or you will waste decades being unhappy.

Struggling for money is better than the life you describe IMO. He refuses to let you see your family. He has isolated and abused you.

In that circumstance I would leave. I did leave.

Don't waste your life or allow your child to grow up in a dysfunctional household. Life will be much more fun on the outside, for both of you.