Mum in law

[Invisiblewomanapparently]

My mum-in-law is caring and diplomatic and a completely devoted grandma to my children. We get on well and I count myself my lucky. But regularly I think "blood is thicker than water" as she fusses over DH and DC . Eg if we are all dressed up for a party she will comment on what the rest of the family are wearing and not me. Last week I had my hair cut from long to.shoulder length bob and again, not a word when she came to tea at the weekend! Friends and work colleagues have noticed and commented but she genuinely doesn't seem to notice .

It's no big deal; I don't particularly want or need excessive attention and I am grateful she is generally lovely . I do get pangs of sadness as my.own mum is terminally ill and of course notices every little thing about me as I am her DD.

Just wondered if anyone else has the same with their MIL?

Some people are naturally like that, about blood being thicker than water. I don't get it myself but I've seen it. They will naturally refer to joint assets as being their child's asset only. It's some sort of familial dysfunction I think, being that tribal, but maybe it's a remnant of the past, when things really were tribal.
I'd just accept that it's her problem and ignore it. She either doesn't look at you properly and didn't notice your hair or, she did notice your hair but didn't want to compliment you on it (suggesting she might be a bit competitive?!)

She really isn't malicious at all so I think probably just doesn't look at me (fair enough!)

Mu mum is like this with my DH. I can't see a problem with it as she is nice enough to him but she treats me and the kids differently to him. He gets really offended because he says he should be treated the same as me. His mum treats me as her own daughter which is lovely but I wouldn't expect this as I am not a blood relative. She gave me more money for for my birthday than him and he got really offended!

My own DH doesn’t even notice 😂. Some people don’t notice, or even think it’s their business to comment. My own MIL was way over invested in my hair and I had to tell her to back off. I would far rather have your MIL @Invisiblewomanapparently .

I had “playgroup mum friends” like this, who I saw daily . I had thought we were great friend's

I had my hair highlighted or cut, not a word about the change. I thought it odd, as I would compliment others.

And then I would see other nice friends who would comment straight away, which made me realise it was this group of other mums.

I think it’s a rivalry, rude behaviour from your otherwise lovely Mother in Law.
I suspect she isn’t so lovely after all.

Just always be aware of this

Much love for your Mum, by the way x

Thanks all. The bottom line is I guess that she loves dh and dc with a maternal passion that she wouldn't obviously have for me . Mental note to "fake it til I make it" if I am ever a MIL 😄.

I'm a mother in law. Ask her if she likes you hair, or if you look ok in out fit etc. She possibly just genuinely does not know how you would take a compliment. Encourage her 😂😂. Oh got new jeans, like the shape of them, what do you think. Great you get on well with her. Most of us are lovely.

Oh mines like this too. We've renovated our house and you'd think that I was in a coma while DH planned, designed, painted and built it all.

Also when she visits and DH is there she'll totally blank me halfway through a sentence and leaves me hanging. It's so awkward.

Actually sometimes she does that when the dog walks in....must be my shit conversation 😆

We get on fine when it's just us. I think some Mums are just in awe of their sons which is nice really. (But still rude AF to us! 😆)

The 🐕bit made me laugh. I don't have one of those to compete with at least!

Really appreciate all the replies x

I would probably act like your mother in law. I have limited energy, what I do have I save for children. I wouldn’t expect other adults to make a fuss over my hair cut.

I think assuming it's rivalry or rude is a bit much. Sure, if the group of mums would comment on one another's hair etc, you would have a point but if they don't comment on anyone's then they either don't think it's important and therefore doesn't warrant comment or they just aren't very observant.

Some people always comment on appearance. I find it irritating so rarely comment on others' appearance unless it's something really obviously different and I know them fairly well.

My mother and I differ in this regard. It irritates me that she frequently comments on my appearance (always complimentary) and it irritates her that I rarely comment on her appearance.

People are different. Just because they are different to you doesn't make them rude, jealous, exhibiting rivalry etc.

They will naturally refer to joint assets as being their child's asset only. It's some sort of familial dysfunction I think, being that tribal, but maybe it's a remnant of the past

My deeply irritating FIL does exactly this. Despite it actually being my house, he always calls it my husband’s. He even refers to the children as my husband’s. But he hates me and my ‘feminist’, ‘socialist’ ways. He is self-proclaimed expert on everything, despite being carried by his wife and never really achieving anything. And breathe.

This. Just because she doesn't comment doesn't mean she hasn't noticed. Some people don't feel confident giving compliments.

I think I am a bit like your MIL, if I'm honest with myself.

If I look at a photo of a group and one of my children is in it, I'd barely notice if the others are cross-eyed. If my person looks good, it's a great photo. My DM called me on it when I didn't notice my niece having her eyes closed in a picture I was going to get framed.

It's not that I dislike other people - I'm honestly very friendly and I like loads of people - it's just my attention is pulled like a magnet to the ones I love. I try to be aware of it.

I would be glad if my MIL kept certain comments to herself.