Do marriages of convenience ever work?

[Claphamandeggs]

My DH plays video games all the time. I do not fancy him any more. He does help with some bits, cooking dinner and putting the bins out and does activities with kids. I just don't respect him I'm afraid. He burps in front of the kids and has little interest in anything. I could write more but its too boring.

But weirdly I do still enjoy his company. I like him being at home with us. And it is very convenient being married to him.

I think about leaving a lot but everything else in life will be so much harder. And of course for the kids

Does it ever work just to muddle along or will I or him end up resentful or bitter? I'm only early 30s.

How old are the kids? I think those marriages might work for some people but it leaves you vulnerable to falling for someone new and then what?

Yes it works for so long x

Kids are young - under 5

@Treeinthesky you mean eventually something will go wrong?

Well I stayed for 7 years til my 33rd birthday. Kids 13 and 9. found someone else. Not ideal my life is far from perfect people think

Weren't most marriages for convenience in the past?
Basically as a woman you needed someone who could go out and earn the money whilst you stayed at home with the children (or worked for pin money).
It seems that it's only a relatively recent development that we expect to love/fancy our husbands for a life time!
I think if you have a certain mindset about it and are not a very sentimental person it probably can and does work.

You'll end up feeling bitter and resenting him.

The only way a marriage of convenience works is when both people know and agree it's nothing more than a business arrangement and the finer details are worked out before marriage.

Ie. it has nothing to do with love, chemistry, attraction, romance and both people know that and agree to it.

It's fine until you start to crave love, intimacy, affection, sex... Which most people do want and need. And if you're not getting it from your husband / partner then you will (understandably) look elsewhere.

How does he feel about you? As in, how would he react to knowing his behaviour and manners was putting you off so seriously? Would he care enough to smarten up a bit? I think it could work in principle for a period while the children were young at least but maybe here some changes could be made to improve matters if you get on and actually like each other's company.

Does he know you feel this way about him? Because it would be a head fuck to find out that my wife hadn't really loved me in years and was only keeping me around because it made her life easier. Would do a right number on my self esteem.

If you want to keep this "arrangement" going, you at least owe him a proper conversation about it.

This isn't a marriage of convenience.

A marriage of convenience would be if you both go into it fully understanding the boundaries and restrictions, the pros and the cons.

No relationship can survive long term if there isn't honesty. If you both honestly agree that the romantic side is over but you are happy to share your lives and agree what that looks like, then sure, perhaps it can work .But you deciding to stay because your life is a bit easier with him there, but without telling him any of that, is unlikely to work because eventually one or both of you will step outside of whatever agreed boundaries you have in your own head but he knows nothing about.

Poor kids.

I’m assuming he burps in front of the kids because they find it hilarious, it seems a strange thing to have highlighted as a significant factor in the current existential crisis about your marriage.

"It seems that it's only a relatively recent development that we expect to love/fancy our husbands for a life time!"

There have always been love marriages. And marriages of convenience.I don't think people were that much different in the past.It's just that people, especially women, have more choice now.

I think about leaving a lot but everything else in life will be so much harder. And of course for the kids

He's probably thinking exactly the same thing.

I don’t think this is a marriage of convenience- you’ve settled, and now the honeymoon period has worn off and the drudge has set in you have been forced with the fact he doesn’t really have many redeeming features apart from ‘pays half the bills’ ‘does stuff with the kids’

I’m not really getting the fact that he was ever a sexy, suave, dynamic man from your post.

A marriage of convenience is basically a business deal and both parties mutually benefit. Doesn’t really sound like there is a huge amount of benefit for you here apart from bare minimum child rearing and domestic partnering.

Very sad that your children are so young, but this really isn’t a way to live.

It’s completely normal and not really all that rare to even with small kids- fancy your other half immensely. It’s not a fait accompli that everyone ends up turned off and frustrated.

How old are your kids? And, hand on heart, do you see any signs of his behaviour improving?

I am in a similar situation myself and I've been fairly transparent with my DH about what it is that I'm struggling with. He has been depressed for the past three years and isn't really engaging with help or support. He burps, farts and moons around the house in his boxers with his balls hanging out. He has almost zero sense of humour and little interest in anything. Easily irritated and often goes around with a dazed, miserable expression as though he is totally pole-axed by family life, but will never have a conversation with me about what exactly is getting him down or what he needs. I'm staying out of solidarity, and because I reckon we have about 30-40% chance of working things out in the long run, especially once we are out of the toddler years. He was a very good looking, dynamic, thoroughly decent and upbeat guy when we met. Now unrecognisable. However he cooks and does a reasonable amount of childcare, albeit literally no life admin whatsoever.
I'm hanging on a bit longer because, y'know, in sickness and in health and all that, and I think living 50-50 between two households would be an absolute disaster for DC at this age. But in the long term I'm not hanging around if he doesn't buck up his ideas. I don't want DC to grow up in a stressful environment or to model a poor relationship to them. But I think there is some merit in plodding along for now. One thing that has helped is investing in myself in terms of networking in my field of work and taking up opportunities for training, so that I can slowly grow my earning potential. This would make going it alone easier if I were to decide to leave later on. And if DH and I do figure things out then I guess we'd be better off, so win-win.

What will happen when the children grow up? Can you see yourself enjoying life with just him?
I think it works better for very wealthy people tbh! Multiple homes, long trips abroad easy to live separate lives

@Claphamandeggs

I think an MOC 'from the start' can work, even if it's one sided, but it would be more than I'd want to take on. The 'aware' person needs to regard it as a business contract and approach it coldly and dispassionately. You have to understand that you're obligated to hold up your end of the deal (including no infidelity) AND that the 'uninformed party' needs to believe the marriage is 'real'. That's the hardest part IMO because the 'contract' includes, not just sharing the usual home duties that come with a marriage, but a satisfactory sex life for the unaware party. And you're agreeing to a 'lifetime contract', not just until something better comes along. I could never do that.

I'd say that to take what was a 'real' marriage in the beginning and suddenly turn it into a 'one sided' MOC would be nearly impossible because patterns, duties, and 'obligations' are already set. Plus if that time came it would be because a marriage is irretrievably broken down, at least on one side, and having to 'hold the pose' would cause huge resentment and unhappiness.