I feel like I'm fundamentally broken

[OneQuirkyZebra]

Hi all, just wanted to vent more than anything I guess. I've been struggling recently with normal life worries/stresses and it was like a domino effect to me ending things really badly with my partner. I had been struggling to manage uni this year and ended up having to defer the rest of my course. My partner and I had our difficulties while this was going on but nothing we weren't working through. We'd been together for a few years and overall our relationship was good.

But when uni fell apart it was like something clicked in my head that we needed to be done and I feel like I can't even trust my own thoughts. I ended things like i was ripping off a bandage giving neither of us time to process. My partner agreed to space to see if we could sort things but after a few weeks I couldn't handle it because I felt like they decided they were done but just didn't want to tell me and so it caused a final argument and we wont be speaking again.

Its like when I'm under any sort of stress or uncertainy I start thinking the worst of everything. I let my fear of being abandoned and not being good enough take over and everything is black and white. Its not clear until the dust settles but by then the damage is already done and I hurt others in the process. This is something that if needed to happen could've been amicable and i made it unnessecarily difficult and upsetting. I think I'm just a broken person.

That sounds hard, I feel for you.
Do you want to get back together with your ex or do you want to work solely on yourself for now?

What happened with uni? Did you enjoy the course topic or do you think you would like to change?

I do know what you mean, I have definitely felt as you are feeling now. I go down a path and it's almost like it goes too far but I just carry on anyway.
I'm not sure what changed really. My husband take time and care on every decision and I think I've started to learn to do the same just from being around him for so long.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don't know about the getting back together I have definitely made sure there is no chance of it on their end and if by some miracle we could've fixed things I think I would've gone back to being scared and worried that they're going to leave and finding all these things wrong with the relationship, it would just be a cycle. Its like when I'm in it I convince myself we're both better off without each other but now that we are i dont know if that was true (at least before all this).

I definitely need to work on myself. I've struggled mentally throughout my life but I thought I had healed a little bit. I really like the subject but the stress and workload was having a big impact so I hope to be in a better place to continue with it next year.

Yeah I think that's what's concerning me I kept going and going and making everything worse. My ex was someone I really cared about and we could've at the very least ended things on good terms. It's like my messed up thought process needed it to end badly.

I've felt very similarly to you in the past. However it got to the point where I wasn't trusting my own judgement and I was ignoring red flags because I believed I was always overreacting or reacting inappropriately. Maybe your relationship wasn't all that great. Maybe the way you ended it wasn't ideal but perhaps your reasons were valid? It might be worth having therapy to explore this. Work on yourself and stop viewing yourself as broken. I very much used to think of myself as broken but I don't anymore. You can discover new ways of reacting that aren't so extreme, but you can also learn to love yourself and build your own boundaries.

Thank you its really helpful to know this is something you've been able to overcome. Whether it applied in this situation or not I definitely don't trust my own judgement with things like this. Is there a specific type of therapy you have found helpful?

I’ve just ended a shorter relationship but for similar reasons. My ex BF has struggled with his MH all his life and overthinks/catastrophises and convinces himself he’d be better off on his own a he hurts people etc.

It's very hard to be on the other side of that, to give your all to someone knowing that at any point they could have a wobble and have to back away, for their own MH. I understand and have been there myself but it’s still hard to be on the receiving end.

It’s hard to walk away from him but I know it’s for the best, and I wish him nothing but peace and happiness - even though sadly I don’t know if he’ll ever find it.

We’ve said we’ll remain friends and even talked about meeting up to watch films we’d mentioned etc but that will be hard, as I’m used to holding his hand and stroking his hair while we watch tv.

Sometimes it’s easier to just cut it off, for both parties. I think if we’d been together longer I’d find it harder to consider being friends. I do think him hanging on to his previous ex GF who really hurt him, and who he messed around for years, has been very damaging for them both.

Do you feel this man is good for you.

Do you feel cherished, loved and safe ?

Maybe this man is sabotaging your mental health so you are not functioning properly with the choices and plans you have made, does he give encouragement ?

I think you know deep down, what does your gut tell you, is he the one who makes you feel stable ?

Lots of questions but remember in years to come you will look back on this period and wish you'd never put this man before your aspirations.
Think of yourself, men are never worth putting before life's achievements.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and you being on the other side. It's not nice being on the receiving end and also not fair either. Hurting may not be the intention but it's still felt as much by the person on the receiving end of it and can just get worse from there.

I think if my ex had agreed I would want to be friends but then as you say that's difficult in itself and it's usually better for everyone to have a fresh start.

I've been having CBT and it's enormously helpful. It helps to focus solely on me and my own wellbeing rather than worrying about what other people think of me or that they might abandon me. I am not completely there yet but I'm so much better. I've learnt I need to show myself the love I've been craving from a partner. Until I can fully do that, I'm not ready for another relationship. I agree with PP it must be tough to be on the receiving end of that black and white thinking and reactions. But that doesn't mean you're always in the wrong - that relationship may have been really bad for you.

Sounds like you are completely burnt out.

Being constantly swamped mentally can really trigger doubt and the trust in ourselves. Been there and its awful. It sounds as though you took the right decision to halt Uni for now and to call it quits on the BF. It may feel like you are loosing grip but its your body and mind telling you to slow down and be kind to yourself. Be really considerate to you and try not to doubt your decisions.

By halting uni means you will be able to go back and finish much better than if you had just mustered on and pushed through, perhaps not with great end results due to all the stressors. Look up burnout as it is a thing. And your GP or even uni should have some help available?

I would agree with all the advice that says to be kind to yourself. This in absolute spades. I also hear your frustration on thinking you had done some work on yourself so why are you back here? I hear this really acutely actually as I am currently wondering the same about myself. I have done a lot of therapy so I am interested that this pattern is still showing up however I am wondering if it still has quite the same clout and power that it used to. I would recommend integrative therapy with someone who you feel will support you in learning to trust yourself and sit with your own doubt. I am not going to lie, it has been bloody hard work and I am still a long way away from where I would like to be (my current situation is a shining example of this) but something feels different and I would encourage you to explore this as well. Good luck OP.