Abusive relationships

[coolcoolcoolcool]

Name change for this. Friend (f) is in an abusive relationship. Her partner is not physically violent but emotionally and financially.

Friend has three children one at high school and two at primary. She has been with her partner for a long time and they are not married. She is early 30's.

Friend is confiding in me frequently about some of the things that are going on at home and I really don't know what to say. She needs to LTB but I'm worried if I keep saying this to her she will stop telling me what is going on.

He is constantly putting her down, screaming swearing at her in front of the children. Oldest and middle child are also picking up on his behaviors and treat her terribly.

She is a lovely, beautiful, kind and amazing person and I honestly don't know how she continues to be such an amazing mum and friend.

She has been with his since she was very young, she comes from an abusive home and financially she is not doing well. He is a high earner and gatekeeps all the money, the house, savings (of which there are 100's of 1000's) are all in his name. They are not married.

I don't know how to help her with this but it horrible seeing her fall apart. He is constantly being putting her down and causing arguments, I suspect he is likely cheating on her due to behaviours I have seen in our social circle, she also suspects this too.

I don't know how I can help her or what to say to her without pushing her away. Does anyone have any ideas of how to help someone in the situation. It is honestly heartbreaking seeing what he is doing to her.

Bump

Could you ask her to call Women's Aid, just to talk it over?

@Garlicked I could try, she knows she's in an abusive relationship. He is quite a bit older than her and they got with her when she was really still a child. If I suggest anything serious she will just laugh it off but I can definitely suggest it.

@Garlicked I've just had a look on their website and will show her some of the resources on there tomorrow.

It will quite possibly take her a very long time to leave. Despite the crap he puts her through she will possibly/probably still love him, feel guilty about considering leaving because of the children, and be terrified for her financial future.
If you feel able to then carry on being there, let her talk, gently remind her she deserves more and that his behaviour is unacceptble and that you are there for her, believe in her and love her. She needs to hear this.
Are you able to encourage her to begin building a life for herself outside of the relationship? Even an activity once a week where she can get out and about and do something that gets her meeting people and rebuilding her confidence would really help.
she will only go when she feels strong enough. Getting her to that stage won’t be easy. But she can get there.
It’s good that she has someone who she can trust and open up to, but do also look after yourself. Its likely to be a long road.

Its so hard leaving an abuser. So hard.
Its the devil you know and all that.

Its finances too. And then its the children. Women will make 7 attempts of leaving an abuser, and its really common to go back because the abuser reverts back to being the "nice" guy while hoovering their partner back in.

She is really fortunate to have you supporting her and by confiding in you she knows she can trust you. It only takes one person to be like that and believe me it can really help in moving her forward in leaving.

She will need documentation such as marriage certificate and passports, so if you feel you can help keep them for her. These are the items abusers confiscate when they have an inkling their partner may be leaving.

She can call her local womans aid refuge, they will be hands on with good information for her. They may also give face to face information, and support her further should she decide to leave. It takes time so just be there.

Also, ask her to keep a diary of any incidents, not a physical one, as this could be found, but perhaps in notes on her phone, and to lock it. There is an app that is available for these things as well, a weather app, or it looks like a weather app for the untrained eye, but when you open it it is actually an app with good information and a place to add notes of any incidents.

Hope she manages to leave.

@Algorhythum thanks for this advice, we have recently started going an activity together once a week. He is very controlling over where she goes / who she sees so I'm very mindful of not trying to rock the boat with him.

@HopeFloatsAbove thank you so much for the advice. She has left him before when the children were much younger. I completely understand how hard it would be for her to leave and how hard not to go back to him it would be. The financial pressure alone makes it terrifying for her.

I am very conscious of not encouraging her to leave him as I don't want to make her feel bad and to stop confiding in me as I know it's likely not something she can do easily.

I just wonder what the best approach for me to take is, do I point out the abuse when she tells me about it, encourage her to leave or just listen?

@coolcoolcoolcool yes, do point it out gently, and perhaps ask her to read up on Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that, its a great narrative of what an abuser looks like. Its also helpful for you to call your local Womans aid, you can do that, and ask them to give you tools to keep at your place, so if she does come over, then you have this ready?

When I finally reached out it was a neighbor that I had only known a few months after moving into a new area. She helped me so much. I was able to call my local womans aid and they were incredible. I got given a lady who came with me to court for the restraining order and I had follow up calls from them too. It was such a relief to know I wasnt alone. They also assisted me in making calls to HMRC for the relevant benefits and also helped me get the correct benefit from DWP. This was back in 2012, and again in 2015.

You can find the number for her local refuge here Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk)

@HopeFloatsAbove thank you so much, I'm so sorry you went through such an awful experience but so glad to hear you managed to escape. I will read up on the above. Thank you

Coolcoolcool
You are definitely right not to put any pressure on about leaving. She’ll vacillate between being strong and feeling ready to leave and guilty/scared and convincing herself shes part of the problem and wanting to stay. She’ll also feel guilty about not leaving to anyone who is supporting her. If she has one person who gets this, doesn't judge and had the patience to be supportive no matter what she decides the she stands a much better chance of getting away in time.
Youre a good friend. She’s lucky to have you.

HopeFloats. So glad you had the support and were able to leave.