Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice for potentially leaving partner

17 replies

BePeachHedgehog · 08/04/2024 17:10

Hi all, I'm seeking some advice on best steps for my partner. We have two young kids (6m and 3yrs) but we don't have a good relationship, I don't know if it would be better to stay together until our eldest goes to school or leave now while I am still on maternity leave?

To summarise

  • I have always done all the childcare and nights wakes with both children. He has almost no relationship with our 3 year old - he has never been out of the house with her on his own. He regularly goes on social events and holidays without asking me if it's ok. Luckily my mum is very helpful and comes to stay with us when he is away to support me.
  • His finances are terrible. I pay for everything for the kids day to day. Most recently he has not been able to pay for his half of our 3 year olds nursery fees or our car insurance because he spent his money on a holiday. He recently lost his job but is trying to sue a company for this, which is costing him thousands in lawyer fees that we don't have. He also took a £500k mortgage that he told me he has lost in bad trades.
  • He is very controlling of our lifestyle, he chooses where we live and then allows his family to use our house as a hotel, without any regard for the childrens' schedules.
  • I am writing this now as we had a big argument today when he got back from holiday and found that his brother had gotten a hotel rather than staying on our sofa. He has since sent me some scary and controlling messages saying that my mum needs his approval to come onto the property and that she can only attend on a "need-only basis", amongst other abusive message about how much I embarrassed him.

I'm scared that if I try to leave him he will get 50/50 which will be awful for the children as they have no relationship with him and I really worry that he won't be able to look after them. Does anyone have any advice on next steps?

OP posts:
HopeFloatsAbove · 08/04/2024 17:19

He may threaten to do all this but how is he going to to really look after the DC if he is doing zero now?

He is clearly very selfish and you have every right to call it a day. Staying with him till your child is in school will not make any difference as they are so little still. I take it you are not married?

TheShellBeach · 08/04/2024 17:22

Men like this never do 50/50.
They may ask for it but they can't seem to look after their children, and things deteriorate after the first attempt.

Original poster
BePeachHedgehog · 08/04/2024 18:56

Not married luckily but I worry that he will be spiteful and try to take as much as he can from me including the children

OP posts:
Original poster
BePeachHedgehog · 08/04/2024 21:16

TheShellBeach · 08/04/2024 17:22

Men like this never do 50/50.
They may ask for it but they can't seem to look after their children, and things deteriorate after the first attempt.

Thank you but what do you mean by deteriorate? They lose interest and therefore rights?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 21:19

Men like him NEVER have the kids 50% of the time. Any threats he makes are completely empty.

AutumnFroglets · 08/04/2024 21:23

I don't know if it would be better to stay together until our eldest goes to school or leave now
Leave now. Never, ever wait as it will never, ever get better than this. So save your sanity (and health and money) and leave asap.

He's controlling you whilst financially bleeding you dry. Will your mum take you in for the short term?

Original poster
BePeachHedgehog · 09/04/2024 09:00

AutumnFroglets · 08/04/2024 21:23

I don't know if it would be better to stay together until our eldest goes to school or leave now
Leave now. Never, ever wait as it will never, ever get better than this. So save your sanity (and health and money) and leave asap.

He's controlling you whilst financially bleeding you dry. Will your mum take you in for the short term?

I think so but can I just up and go with the kids? Would that be allowed or is there a process? I don’t want him to be able to use it against me later down the line

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 09/04/2024 09:10

Just up and go. You’re not married. Do you have any legal ties? Are you on the house deeds, mortgage, or bills? If not you can just walk away. Tell him obviously, but you do not need to ask his permission. You can walk out and contact him after to discuss finances and access, but you can take the children and walk out right this minute. It sounds like he is awful with money so one thing I would do is run a credit check on yourself (e.g. through Experian or similar) to check he hasn’t taken out any loans in your name. Make sure you take your half out of any joint accounts and makes sure he can’t access any of your accounts (e.g. does he have any bank or credit cards in your name) before you move. Put passports and other important docs like birth certificates, driving licence, etc. somewhere safe like your mum’s house. It’s time to get your proverbial ducks in a row.

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 09:12

Yes you can just go. Any discussion is best done via email or text so you have written proof of what has been said/discussed about him seeing the children.

If your home is a rental then you need to give the landlord notice of leaving, unless it is only him on the contract. Pay off your share of bills directly to the companies and screenshot any meters.

grinandslothit · 09/04/2024 09:24

Yes of course you can leave. I would tell him after you have left to avoid him kicking off stop.

Original poster
BePeachHedgehog · 09/04/2024 11:18

BananaLambo · 09/04/2024 09:10

Just up and go. You’re not married. Do you have any legal ties? Are you on the house deeds, mortgage, or bills? If not you can just walk away. Tell him obviously, but you do not need to ask his permission. You can walk out and contact him after to discuss finances and access, but you can take the children and walk out right this minute. It sounds like he is awful with money so one thing I would do is run a credit check on yourself (e.g. through Experian or similar) to check he hasn’t taken out any loans in your name. Make sure you take your half out of any joint accounts and makes sure he can’t access any of your accounts (e.g. does he have any bank or credit cards in your name) before you move. Put passports and other important docs like birth certificates, driving licence, etc. somewhere safe like your mum’s house. It’s time to get your proverbial ducks in a row.

Thank you!! He is on the birth certificate though so that must mean he has some rights that stop me just leaving with the kids? I worry he will come chasing for them

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 09/04/2024 11:23

Leave him and tell him how excited you are to be able to get a social life back and for him to step up and do more for his children.

You probably won’t see him for dust.

Nicetobenice67 · 09/04/2024 11:26

Get out now or you will forever be making excuses…do it now good luck

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 12:10

He is on the birth certificate though so that must mean he has some rights that stop me just leaving with the kids? I worry he will come chasing for them
Yes he has rights but he will need to take you to court for access if you refuse it. Better to wait until he asks (he might not), or he might ask for one Saturday a month (which is very reasonable), or he might demand full custody (discuss via mediator, solicitor or court).

What he cannot do is call the police and get them back that way (providing you don't leave the country) without a court order.

If you are still worried then either contact Citizens Advice or your local police station for their advice, but you will find they will say the same as us. You can leave with the children at any point, just don't tell him until after as he could prevent them from leaving the matrimonial home at the same time as you. Much harder to get them back without a court order.

EDIT - short answer.
He has no rights to stop you leaving.
He has rights to see the children later on.

changedwwyd · 26/06/2024 03:49

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 12:10

He is on the birth certificate though so that must mean he has some rights that stop me just leaving with the kids? I worry he will come chasing for them
Yes he has rights but he will need to take you to court for access if you refuse it. Better to wait until he asks (he might not), or he might ask for one Saturday a month (which is very reasonable), or he might demand full custody (discuss via mediator, solicitor or court).

What he cannot do is call the police and get them back that way (providing you don't leave the country) without a court order.

If you are still worried then either contact Citizens Advice or your local police station for their advice, but you will find they will say the same as us. You can leave with the children at any point, just don't tell him until after as he could prevent them from leaving the matrimonial home at the same time as you. Much harder to get them back without a court order.

EDIT - short answer.
He has no rights to stop you leaving.
He has rights to see the children later on.

Edited

THIS.

You also mention his controlling behaviour, controlling where you live, when your Mum can come to the house etc and you sound understandably frightened of him.

Check with Citizens Advice / or police but i think if you go to the local police ensure they document this coercive control, abuse and nasty messages and the fear you have for the safety for yourself and your children. This is then on official record and would help if he ever bothered to take you to court for access or custody.

Meadowfinch · 26/06/2024 04:12

My ex threatened he'd take ds away from me. That he'd get 50/50 as a minimum despite only having changed 3 nappies ever and never having got up once for ds at night.

We left anyway. He tried to starve us back, which didn't work. (I'd rather starve than have a man dictate where and how I will live.)

He didn't go to court. Didn't even try. It was all hot air. He had spent so little time with ds(aged 2) that after we moved into our flat, ds didn't even notice he wasn't around any more. 🙂

Ex didn't ask for ds overnight until aged 5 - fully toilet trained, and able to use a knife & fork. Even then the most he ever managed was 20 nights a year. He can't go to the pub with ds in tow. Can't play tennis or watch Man U. It wouldn't occur to him to change his routine for his child. Too selfish. Too lazy.

Men like that enjoy issuing threats. It makes them feel like the big man. They don't like the reality, changing nappies, doing role-play, bandaging knees or helping with homework so it's mostly hot air.

The most difficult thing I had to deal with was ex's fury that I dared to leave. 14 years later I can still feel rage simmering. Just be careful yours isn't the same. Make sure any future home is secure.

Sunflowersinthewind · 26/06/2024 06:29

My ex said he would go for full custody. He hasn't seen DS in 4 years

New posts on this thread. Refresh page