Worried about a friend who is in a potentially abusive relationship

[Fallingslowly26]

A good friend of mine has been in a relationship for a number of years now. There have been a number of red flags emerging and I’m really worried about my friend’s wellbeing.

First of all, she told me that he has access to all of her financial information, bank account details, logins. Every time she makes a payment, he will receive a notification on his phone. These aren’t transactions related to a joint account - this is her personal account - and there doesn’t seem to be any reason why he would need this info.

He took a job in the same workplace as her. They do not work in the same field and her workplace is about a half hour drive away, so not exactly around the corner.

As the years go by, she has become more and more withdrawn from our friendship circle and never comes to any meet-ups. Every time I have plans to meet up with her, she always pulls out at the very last minute (usually a couple of hours before). I am worried that he might be convincing her not to go.

Whenever I do see her, she is always putting herself down, calling herself ‘useless’. He is constantly texting her asking for updates about where she is.

The thing that has made me the most concerned is that she has now told me that they're planning on moving far away from her hometown in an area which is not very well connected. She would be leaving all her friends and family/support network behind. She doesn’t seem very happy about the move and seems worried about the isolation aspect.

I feel very worried about her, but I’ve never been in a situation where a friend/family member has been in this kind of relationship, and therefore don’t know how or if I can support. She has expressed countless concerns to me about him and his behaviour over the years, but I’m conscious that any advice I try and give might be reported back (and then he might encourage her not to see me anymore), so I want to tread very carefully.

Any advice would be appreciated about how I can be a good friend to someone who is going through this.

It's really hard, I know. I've been in a similar situation.

I found that I had to tread a line of pointing out things which weren't OK while seeming to like him/not criticise so that I could encourage my friend to question the behaviour while not alienating him.

It made my skin crawl to be friendly with him, but it was necessary to keep him onside and not be seen as a threat.

Gentle surprise & seemingly innocent questions can be good. Eg "oh that's so weird, why would he do that?" "Don't you have your own private xxx?"

I very much saw it as my role to do the research on her behalf for how to safely escape an abusive relationship so that when she voiced doubt about it (usually followed by "but I don't know how to leave / I wouldn't be able to do x /he wouldn't let me do y", I had a simple answer ready which I gave in a fairly relaxed way so that she wouldn't feel any pressure.

Eg "oh well you can speak to womens aid and they would help advise xxxx"

"Start taking copies of key documents and keeping them somewhere safe, like at work"

"Would you like me to look after <precious item> for you if you're worried he might throw it out?"

All the time reiterating that she had my complete support whatever she chose to do and that everything was up to her.

It's important to give that choice because she have become used to having none and its very frightening having to take the first steps away, so it's about making her feel in control. And when she feels overwhelmed by it, guiding her and giving advice; ending with "if you do this I'll support you completely, you can call me anytime, I'll help sort this out but if you decide not to or change your mind then I'll that's OK too, I'll still support you".

I always emphasised that we took things at her pace and she could change her mind anytime, even when we involved police and got a restraining order. Understanding what she was scared of if we took a step to leave was key because I then I had the answers to reassure her.

A good starting point for conversations is often "Are you ok with that?" "Are you happy?" "Do you want to move?"

Or even, "you used to be so confident, it makes me sad to hear you speak about yourself that way, what's changed?" (While being very careful not to suggest that its down to him. Keep neutral when he is mentioned).

I would also make it clear that even if you lost touch for years if she ever needed you she could ring up or text and you would help.

Also, in my case once she was moving to point in which she was prepared to think about leaving or at least being open with me about what was going on, I bought her a burner phone which we disguised as mine, that she could hide.

We had an innocent code phrase if she needed help /was in danger when he was around so that I could take action on her behalf and I kept documents / sentimental items that she was sneaking out of the house so that they were safe and accessible to her.

It took time, but she did make the break and is very happy now.

Just to reiterate the fact that she needs to know she won't be judged or blamed if she changes her mind about leaving or if she leaves and then goes back. It's more important that you remain her Safe Person than it is to tell her she's made a mistake.

If she does voice concerns about him, you can say "you know that's not ok don't you?" But I wouldn't go further in criticism of him until she's in a safer place. You need to remain Not-A-Threat.