Hi,
I was in a very toxic/abusive relationship for nearly 10 years - we have a house together, a dog and we were engaged to get married. The relationship always had ups and downs but got worse towards the end.
I did everything I could to be the 'perfect' partner but nothing was ever good enough and I was messed around more times then I could count but I loved him and I still think I do. Every night I have to read the notes I made myself or look at the pictures of my bruises to knock some sense back into myself.
It doesn't help that we're not fully detached because of the house or our dog. I miss my dog like mad but I don't feel safe enough to visit him. One minute I'm so angry and the next I miss him and the life we had or could of had....my mind is so messed up. The fear of not having feelings for another person like I did him scares me - I want to have children and settle down but I'm coming up to 34 and I don't see it ever happening. If I stop to think about it to much it's like a kick in the stomach - I thought after the way he's treated me I'd be so sure I'm over him but I'm not...the thought of him being with someone else kills me yet I'm so angry for him wasting my time.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm currently waiting for trauma counselling but it's a long wait. Has anyone been through the same thing that could give some advice to help please?