Navigating dinner with our friend's ex-husband and new partner...

[sisiwarwick]

How should I handle the upcoming dinner with my friend’s ex-husband and his new partner, considering the recent divorce and my desire to remain friends with both parties? My friend recently divorced her husband. Proceedings began in early 2023. It was completed about 5 months ago. Both my husband and I were friends with the couple. Her ex-husband is now in a relationship with a much younger woman, and they’ve been together for about a year. Meanwhile, my friend has also found a new partner of around 1 month, having had a string of failed short relationships meeting men on a dating site. Recently, my friend hinted that she suspects her ex-husband of infidelity, but my husband and I are not sure of this and it wasn’t the reason she initiated the divorce. Her ex-husband didn’t want to divorce, but did begin this new relationship quickly. My husband and I want to remain friends with both parties. We’ve received an invitation to dinner with her ex-husband and his new partner this Friday. Should I inform my friend in advance? And if so, how should I approach it? Help please and thanks.

I think there are too many variables. But it seems to me that it can be very difficult to maintain friendships with both parties. What is your friend's relationship with her ex like? Does she understand and appreciate that you would like to stay friends with him?

But think long term. what happens when you throw a party? Will eevryone be okay with everyone attending? Are you going to feel the need to pick?

In the perfect world, of course you should be able to be friends with anyone you like. But realistically, it is more complicated.

They both have a right to move on with their lives even if infidelity was involved. They don’t need to be punished.

Your meeting a friends new partner, don’t overthink it. Make sure the ex wife knows about it and perhaps suggest a dinner with her new partner also? It’s time everyone move on.

I don't think specifically informing one of them of your intentions to see the other one is the best way to forge the friendships as they now are. I'd probably, if you haven't already done so, make it clear to both that you're maintaining friendships with both of them and leave it at that.
Discuss the evening if it comes up in conversation at a later date just as you would with any other friends - I'll say to my friends when I see them "oh I saw x last week, she's doing a, b,c" if it's someone they'd be interested to hear about or they know.
And don't get drawn into long winded attempts to suss out the other one if they try that either...

You need to treat it as 2 separate friendships now.

Agree with above. Will you tell him every interactive you have with her now?

Thank you all. It’s hard. Your replies are helpful, thoughtful, and kind. Having read them, my instinct is to inform my friend this time, as it’s the first time we will be meeting as a couple with her ex. However, I won’t continue to share this information with her (or him) afterward, as Milkand2sugarsplease suggests—it’s not helpful moving forward. Thank you for your responses. It’s been helpful. 🙏❤️

Oh ok! I just thought there may be potential for the ex wife feeling like something had been done behind her back, particularly if she feels there was infidelity and already feels betrayed by them. But I definitely agree on not updating each couple of each meet up, they have desperate lives, I was thinking of a more casual ‘hey, he’s still in my life and I’ve met her’.

It's hard to forge new, separate friendships with couple friends who separate so I hope it goes smoothly for you.
It changed a lot of friendships when I separated friends my exH and they've never been the same since to be honest.

I think it is going to be tricky to maintain separate friendships with both parties. You can try in the first instance to meet them separately and not get into too much detail but ultimately it will also depend on how the relationships develop ie if if the husband decides to start a new family, since you mention a much younger partner, and whether the wife has a new partner (longer term). You might find yourself having to pick one side if one party is unhappy with the other party having moved on and left them behind to eg deal with kids (if kids are in the pictures).

Oh goodness, that’s a difficult situation to be in and one I was in a few years ago. I lost a friendship out of it unfortunately ( and not by choice). Definitely talk to your friend and be upfront . I’m assuming you’re closer to the woman and your partner is closer to the man?