If you are Neurodiverse how is your relationship with your parents?

[Rainbow03]

I can’t decided whether my Neurodiversity is the reason I don’t have a great relationship with my mum or if she just wasn’t great.

We don’t really have a relationship now. She is in my life but emotionally we have nothing. All I remember from my childhood was hiding everything from her. I can’t decide if this was because she didn’t want to listen or if it was because I didn’t know how to get it out. I suffered with terrible anxiety most of my life before discovering I was ND. I never shared my anxiety with my parents.

I don’t really have a good relationship my in-laws either. I can’t understand why. They don’t know about me being ND. I also ended up in an abusive marriage for over 10 years. I have not had the best relationships in my life. My current partner now of 4 years is great luckily.

And just to follow on from that; my child suffers from anxiety. I absolutely am here to listen, support and encourage but she doesn't allow it. She simply can't put her thoughts and feelings into words, just as you described not being able to get it out.

I'm very chilled and modern, happy to talk about sex, boyfriends, makeup, friendship problems, anything at all. But she won't entertain it.

Hmmm....have you ever considered you might be neurotypical chocolaterevs? 🤔

Sorry, that's a cheap dig, but your complaints that she doesn't want to talk about boys, makeup, friendships did make me cringe a bit. Are you sure she wouldn't rather monologue talk about some obscure Tiktoker, Minecraft, Panamax container ships or Dartmoor ponies- you know, sensible things?! 😆

My slightly snippy comments of course come from a place of pain- my mum lamented frequently that she didn't have a "normal" daughter- you know, the kind that would go shopping with her and was into clothes. Yet I never felt that she tried to meet her "abnormal" daughter halfway to find any interests in common. My dad, who is in many ways a total bastard, did better in this way- it just happened that we had the shared interest of birdwatching to enjoy together.

I recall that I had absolutely no awareness of or ability to talk about my emotions as a teenager. I'm pretty much there now I'm 50!!

Conversely, I worry about this with my 8 year old, who is awaiting an autism diagnosis. He enjoys monologing about Minecraft or regurgitating big chunks from books I haven't read, which I find physically painful. We do cuddle, and we enjoy watching wildlife documentaries together, and he loves going out on a mini quest like trick or treating with me, so that's something. I don't expect our interaction will ever look like the happy families in the adverts though- perhaps if there are points where you connect, even if not in the socially acceptable ways, then that's what's important.

I understand your point. I don't particularly want to talk about the topics I mentioned - I was just trying to make the point that I would happily talk about any and all topics that she wanted to, even those that some parents don't want to.

Her interests are so narrow that there is very little she wants to talk about. I fully accept her for who she is and love her unconditionally. I will never give up trying to connect with her. However, I can see her memories of childhood being as that of the OP.

Yes, because the perspective of NT people complaining about their ND relatives is so rare on mumsnet.

@chocolaterevs my mum was definitely not like you. She was depressed and suffering from a life long illness. She would often snap and was very controlling. She used to go through my school bags and read my diary’s and snoop at everything then make it known. I didn’t feel like she was a safe enough person to confide in. She also laughed at me. Other children may have been able to brush it off but it had long term effects on me. I’ve always felt different and invisible. I’ve people pleased my whole life and twisted myself into things I’m not just so that I feel accepted. I think she caused me a great deal of trauma. I’ve never been happy with who I am and at times I’m not sure who I am really. I have a feeling my inability to open up is a reaction to her or a protection mechanism.

@chocolaterevs I agree that you don't sound at all like my mum! I am sure your dd quietly appreciates you.

@RoseBalonz For what it's worth, I didn't mention before but I am not NT as I didn't want my posts to be too outing. I am ND and my own mother was certainly ND. I was estranged from her from the age of 11 and that has had an absolutely catastrophic effect on the outcome of my life and my mental health. I have the greatest sympathies for all ND posters on this thread. I wasn't accepted by other female members of my family as I was different, but nobody understood it back then did they. My poor mum certainly wasn't accepted by her mother who was NT and completely ashamed of this child who was clearly very different. I was never supported with my extremely severe anxiety at school or at home and was regularly berated and put down due to my 'picky eating' and lack of conversation.

However, now that I am navigating my own relationship with a ND child it is opening up a huge can of worms. You can't diminish the difficulties of raising an ND child in an NT world.

Relationship with father was non-existent due to abandonment.

Relationship with mother was turbulent. Amazing and also awful.

Have considered the likelihood of their own undiagnosed neurodiversity as a factor in this and it helped a lot, both cognitively and emotionally.

Both died significantly younger than standard life expectancy.

Your relationship with your mum sounds like mine was. Looking back I suspect she was also ND but undiagnosed.

I hear you Crack . This was my experience too 💐

I am not ND but I suspect bury my parents are , growing up with them was a nightmare and I am the oldest and only girl. No interest, no love and a lot of criticism and control. I was not allowed to make my own decisions express an opinion or disagree with them (even when they were wrong and it could be proved they would claim books and experts were wrong !). Doing any of those things resulted in the silent treatment I preferred being in school