Communication style driving me mad

[Overthinkingeverythingallthetime]

I recently returned to old after a loooong break away. Matched with a lovely guy & we have met 3 times now. I really like him. We have lots in common & talk & laugh a lot when we're together. The issue for me is his communication. I know we've just met & are not exclusive, although I'm not seeing anyone else til I see how this turns out. Sometimes he will message me a lot & then other times seems to ignore my messages even though he's been online. Is this a red flag? I know I'm an overthinker so just looking for some perspective...

Does he get back to you eventually?

I don't message people if I'm out with friends, or in the middle of something. I'll wait until I'm back home doing nothing.

I don’t think it’s a red flag, it sounds like you’re expecting relationship level communication from him after only a few dates? It’s pretty normal especially after only a few dates to not be texting 24/7 and it’s okay for him to go onto his phone to reply to family/friends/groupchat without also replying to your messages at that time.

Stop tracking his online status. I never ever know why people do this.

There are a million things I could be online for because everything is done online these days. So I'll often be online and "ignoring" people's messages because I'm actually doing work, or admin, or research, or messaging other friends.

I message people when I have downtime and bandwidth to do so, so yes... a flurry of messages when he's got time to focus on them, and silence when he's doing something else online, is completely normal. It's less normal to monitor whether he's been online or not.

Does this correspond with his working hours? When I'm working, I have pretty much zero time to have a text conversation. Even after work when I'm at home, I have a lot to do.

Plus if he uses WhatsApp for web then it will show him as online if his laptop is open. He might not be in the same room as it, or even in the house. Online status is meaningless.

I think if they are really into you then they reply swiftly, in my experience of chatting to men. Going hours/days without a reply normally means they want to keep it casual, obviously they could be at work etc during the day but if it's evenings and they are online but ignoring you then not a good sign.

I wouldn't say I'm tracking his online status but maybe I'm in the wrong here. We mostly communicate via WhatsApp so I can see when he was 'last seen'. I do need to stop looking at that though. I'd be more chilled if I didn't like him so much but I know I need to stop being over-invested in this which is why I posted so you could tell me straight. I don't have a lot of people I could discuss this with irl. I wouldn't say it corresponds with working hours, no. For example I hardly heard from him this weekend but he messaged during work hours this morning. I've been away from this for a while & not sure what to expect but I can see I'm a but over anxious

Last seen is irrelevant. I might well be on whatsapp to arrange a pick up for DS, but I'm not paying attention to other messages.

It's perefctly normal for people not to be constantly in a dialogue. But only you can decide what is good for you. Also, when he's not responding, what is he not responding to? eg, I'd have a different view if you were discussing next meet up and you say, "Thursday night is good - we could try that new Italian place" on Monday and he hasn't responded by Wednesday.

Is there a pattern to him not responding? Time he spends with his family/doing a hobby/working?

I've been where you are and also been on the receiving end of someone stalking my WhatsApp online status. It doesn't end well either way.

When I was anxious and over thinking everything with someone, I realised I'd become far too attached because I was bored/lonely/didn't have enough going on in my own life. So I had to end it with them (which I'm still sad about TBH cos they were nice). I took a break from dating and started focusing on myself again.

I've also had people who message me the second I appear online while on WhatsApp and got huffy with me for 'ignoring them'. I hated the thought of them just sitting there waiting for me to entertain them. Nothing is a bigger turn off TBH.

You need to accept you are not everyone to this person as it should be and ask yourself why they are everything to you?

Is it possible that you might not be ready to be dating again? The need for constant communication and reassurance from a man you’ve only been on a few dates with is a bit of a red flag from yourself really in that sense. You barely know this person, you’ve met him 3 times, it is really not healthy or normal that already your own mood/emotions are so dependent on a reply from him to the point that you feel anxious when he hasn’t text you?

I think it's the inconsistency that's bothering me. Sometimes he'll message a lot during the day about random stuff so it's not that he's working & unable to. Then sometimes there's no response for a few days. Think I need to take a,step back. I have a lot going on in my life but some of that relates to a family WhatsApp group so I'm on there far too much anyway!

No, you're right it's not normal

But after 3 dates & as you have said you are not exclusive… why does it matter? He could be at work, he could be with a friend, he could be on a date with somebody else, he’s allowed to be doing any of those things because you are not in a relationship. I think you need to take a step back, this is a casual “situationship”, it’s very early dating days, and you’re placing relationship level expectations on him in terms of communication and to the point it is affecting your mood day to day. It’s not normal after 3 dates for a text message to have this much control over your day & mindset honestly.

Take a step back & focus on yourself.

I set all my privacy on WhatsApp so no one can see when I was last online or if I’ve read messages yet because I dated a guy who did this to me. I could be involved in a family group chat or a work related one and he’d be pinging me asking why I haven’t replied to him as he could see I’m online.

People can be online for a variety of reasons and not replying to everyone who’s messaged them. It’s really not worth driving yourself mad over.

Just talk to him

firstly you need to check if you are exclusive and off the apps

then discuss texting style and be careful you don’t conduct the realtionship via WhatsApp

also turn off online status , this way misery lies

I never have my last seen status or online status turned on. I don’t need the pressure from other people - and if you turn yours off you can’t see anyone else’s either so this might be something to consider.

If his only messaging during work hours his probs married

Have you arranged to see him again?

I do think not hearing from him over the weekend is unusual if he is keen.

I do tend to agree that no contact over the weekend is a bit odd and suggests that, at best, he has a very busy life with lots of social plans/hobbies etc so he's not really interested in a relationship or, at worst, that he's already IN a relationship.

I'm certain he's not married. I think it's more likely he has a very busy life & I'm wondering where I might fit into that. We've arranged to have dinner but not got a definite date yet as we are both very busy this week so i probably won't see him until next weekend. Think when I do I'll have a chat with him about this but conscious of coming across as 'needy' which I'm not

I was like this a lot at the beginning of a relationship.
I had to take a very close look at myself and realise that I was obsessing ober the relationship, and hated that he wasnt as it made me feel insecure/that he didnt like me as much.
4 years in I’ve a) realised a lot if it is peri related madness. B) calmed down a lot and realised that you can’t measure everyone elses levels of communication as if they were your own. I’d be capable texting dozens of times a day without thinking about it….it would drive my bf nuts. But he truly does adore me. Hes just…different.
Focusing more on my own life and meeting my own needs rather than having too much time to overthink it really helped. Keeping busy is invaluable.

You sound like a bloke I used to see. He had far too much time on his hands and he was obsessive and needy. If I left one of his messages seen but unanswered he'd act all offended (I'm busy most of the time, don't have time for endless chitchat especially during working hours).

Please back off and stop obsessing. You are hurting yourself and your chances of building a relationship with an equal partner who has his own life to live and does not, at this point, owe you anything other than basic politeness.

Bit harsh but thanks anyway for the direct response. There's a lot more to what's going on in my life but I'm not able to share that so I'll take the responses on face value given what I've said & try to act accordingly

I think inconsistent communication can be a red flag, but also depends how he is in other ways. Some people just aren't texters. I dated a guy who was very hot and cold, he played me and made me so anxious, not healthy at all. I get that people have lives and messaging isn't always a priority but every man I have dated who has been inconsistent with communication has been inconsistent in other ways too.

I also have my last seen and online status on whatsapp turned off. I don't want to be checked up on by anyone or drive myself nuts wondering why someone hasn't replied to me despite being online. Turn it off for your own peace.