To not want to be single mum anymore at breaking point

[hadenoughofbeingtheslave]

Ive hit a wall. I’m so worn down for being the slave. It’s expected of me. I love the children but ex does nothing to help with his children. He works away and sees them a few days here and there. I’m burnt out. I feel invisible.

I have no job as was stay at home mum, I feel I have no hobbies or identity. I’m reliant financially on the ex still in the old family home. Can’t afford to move but the thought of remaining here in a home we created together is horrible. Getting a job around nursery and school feels like an impossible mission. I just can’t see a way forward.

meanwhile ex has built a great career at the expense of all my child rearing labour. Side stepped into a new relationship by having an affair and convinced the new women I’m insane and crazy. She lives on another continent where he works a lot so he prefers to spend his time there. They holiday and he essentially lives like a man with no responsibilities. I’m left with all the trauma from his actions. Feeling abandoned with two children to now raise.

I feel trapped and I am deeply unhappy. Already on antidepressants and having extensive counselling.

OP, please know you’re not alone. I’m a single mum of 2 children too. Their dad died a few years ago but even before he died he was pretty much a deadbeat dad (we split up 5 years before he died) and all the mental load fell to me. He’s right up there on a pedestal for my son which grates inside at times for me, but I know when my children are older they will see who was there and actually CONSTANTLY put them first, before everything. And even now, I know I am the parent that has stepped up and put them first.

Could you look at claiming benefits as a single mum? Try to save for a deposit and a few months rent and look somewhere to start afresh (even it’s a tiny little place to start with).
Benefits don’t have to be a lifelong thing, it’s just a temporary stepping stone to help you build your life back up.

Regarding your ex, sod him. Try and push him out your mind, don’t allow him that power to make you feel resentful. It was easier for me as my ex was a deadbeat when it came to work too but in your situation, just focus on making life better for you and your children.

Being a single parent is so bloody hard at times, it’s just so relentless but our beautiful children make all that stress worth it. You can do it and you ARE doing an amazing job. 🥰

I feel the same as you. My DC13 said he doesn't want to end up like me, poor and single- and I pointed out that his father is rich and dating because I raise his children for him 😬

But at the end of the day, we are surrounded by (stress/ busy-ness/ noise/ tantrums) love.

I find it hard to remember this most of the time.

We are the good people in this story. But it is grossly unfair and really hard.

I work full time and having colleagues has made all the difference (I do a job which cannot be WFH, constant people facing job). Getting out of the house and working (even full time, for little money and in a high intensity job!) is like a break from the onslaught of parenting with a shitbag ex.

How old are your DC op?

I think you need to take back control on your situation. Claim UC for yourself. So he doesn't control you financially. I think even taking that little bit on control back will make you feel better.

If your DC are school age, tomorrow when they are in school, take the day for you, forget the housework/chores etc, just take a long shower/bath.

We all reach burn out at some point and you need to take care of yourself.

I was in your position 10 years ago, I HATED every min of it. But now my life has moved on, and for the better. I look back and I'm bloody proud of what I did. Alone, and you will be too.

You can't control your Ex's life. But you need to stop letting him control yours :)