Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reducing contact/intensity with relative

10 replies

springtulips1 · 08/04/2024 09:09

I have a relative who is in regular (daily text, fairly regular F2F) contact, but whose behaviour is causing me a huge amount of stress. Much of this is due to creating conflict and being nasty to other family members, and then trying to draw me in or using me as a place to rant about others.
They can be quite volatile and I feel I have to always be careful about what I say so they don’t get angry or it cause conflict. I hate conflict!

I do want this person in my life because I care about them, but I’m finding myself feeling dread when they message because I’m constantly anticipating the next issue.
I think I just want to be able to reduce the contact - I think maybe they’ve become a bit reliant? I feel a pressure to reply immediately - I’m not really sure why? And for me to be able to detach emotionally a bit so it’s not affecting me so much.

I’m trying to have more time away from my phone or putting it on do not disturb, partly so I can have some time with less anxiety but also so I’m not replying straight away and they get used to less instant response.

I’m looking at having counselling because it’s really affecting me, but in the meantime has anyone been in a similar situation or got any advice?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/04/2024 09:14

Tell them you are doing a digital detox.

Then check their messages every 24 hours or so.

(Make sure they can't see you on other social media or do actually do the detox)

ArtyWren · 08/04/2024 09:19

Would you let a friend treat you this way? Because if not, why are you allowing this family member to behave like this? Honestly, so much stress and nonsense happens because we let people get away with really shit behaviour because they are “family”. You don’t owe this person anything.

Lemsipper · 08/04/2024 09:22

ArtyWren · 08/04/2024 09:19

Would you let a friend treat you this way? Because if not, why are you allowing this family member to behave like this? Honestly, so much stress and nonsense happens because we let people get away with really shit behaviour because they are “family”. You don’t owe this person anything.

Amen to this! So many people are living in an almost stockholm like syndrome with their “family”

Id just say to them you’re not interested in gossiping or getting involved whenever they bring up this crap. If they don’t stop, stop contact.

WWLD · 08/04/2024 09:24

I have a family member a bit like this - I've had to be very clear about the fact that I won't discuss other relatives with them, and won't be drawn into their arguments. I've said I love them all, and disagree with them all in equal measures (not true, I disagree with her far more), and she wouldn't always like my opinions, so it's safer this way. When she starts, I just say "Nope, what do you think of this weather?" EVERY TIME.
She contacts me less now, as she knows I won't feed her love of drama. A win-win situation, in my opinion.

Are you able to do something like this?

Original poster
springtulips1 · 08/04/2024 09:29

WWLD · 08/04/2024 09:24

I have a family member a bit like this - I've had to be very clear about the fact that I won't discuss other relatives with them, and won't be drawn into their arguments. I've said I love them all, and disagree with them all in equal measures (not true, I disagree with her far more), and she wouldn't always like my opinions, so it's safer this way. When she starts, I just say "Nope, what do you think of this weather?" EVERY TIME.
She contacts me less now, as she knows I won't feed her love of drama. A win-win situation, in my opinion.

Are you able to do something like this?

Yes potentially! I did essentially say that recently - but I probably need to keep repeating? I made it clear I loved them but that I found being involved in the conflict very stressful. But I imagine I’ll need to keep repeating when it comes up again

OP posts:
Churchview · 08/04/2024 09:30

I feel for you OP. I had this with my mum, dad and sister who would, given any chance rant away for hours about each other behind their back. They literally had no other conversation and would corner me and badmouth the others to the exclusion of all else.

What helped me was to realise that I wasn't important enough to them for them to want to engage with me as an individual. I was merely a bit player in their life....someone to use as a foil for their own problems.

I also realised that they were trying to manipulate me into their own gang to use me against the others.

They were all volatile people, the threat of anger or rejection always loomed large. They used my politeness borne out of my love for them to moan on an on in a horrible and manipulative way that I would not have tolerated in someone who was not family.

It nearly broke me. Eventually, for my own sanity, had to remove myself by limiting my time with them and setting boundaries on how much I would let them abuse my 'niceness'. They didn't stop, but the impact on me was reduced. The only thing that stopped them was their deaths.

The peace now they are gone is bliss. I wish I had been firmer, stronger and more forthright earlier as I sacrificed a lot of my peace of mind. I hope you can find an answer. Be strong for you and put yourself first.

Churchview · 08/04/2024 09:30

ArtyWren · 08/04/2024 09:19

Would you let a friend treat you this way? Because if not, why are you allowing this family member to behave like this? Honestly, so much stress and nonsense happens because we let people get away with really shit behaviour because they are “family”. You don’t owe this person anything.

This is absolutely right.

Original poster
springtulips1 · 08/04/2024 09:33

ArtyWren · 08/04/2024 09:19

Would you let a friend treat you this way? Because if not, why are you allowing this family member to behave like this? Honestly, so much stress and nonsense happens because we let people get away with really shit behaviour because they are “family”. You don’t owe this person anything.

no and this is so true. It’s the added connections with family that can make it tough though. There’s a particular context here (that is far too outing to add) that makes me hesitant. But when it’s been really and before I have come to the decision in my mind that if it kicks off again I might just have to say enough is enough and cut contact

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2024 09:33

I do want this person in my life

Why?

Katiesaidthat · 08/04/2024 15:43

I would tell her directly. I am not interested in repeating gossip and not to contact you in order for you to become a flying monkey for her. For any other issue you are available. But I suspect that after you have outdone your usefulness she will have little time for you. Enjoy the bliss.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page