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Original poster

How does this look from an outside perspective?

21 replies

Itsnamechange · 08/04/2024 08:40

I have a work friend of around 10 years. He’s married and I feel like our relationship has always been purely platonic. We were in the same team for about 7 years and during that time used to lunch together. Full disclosure I did have a slight crush on him for the first year or so but there was never any flirting, decent unspoken boundaries - we weren’t texting and he’s not on social media, no discussions on relationship issues or anything like that. I got over it.

Now I’m in a different team and I see him once in a blue moon and we IM. He’s recently told me his marriage has broken down. No drama, they’ve grown apart, separated amicably and are co-parenting. This was a few months ago. A couple of days ago he text and asked me out on a date.

Basically I’m concerned people will think this has been an ongoing affair and I’ve broken up his marriage. There will be gossip in work which won’t particularly affect me and I’m worried about what his STBX might make of it. If you saw it from the outside would you think “affair”?

OP posts:
Sunlore · 08/04/2024 09:24

All he has done is asked you out? You haven’t said if you want to or will say yes

Why would that lead to questions of an affair, when nothing has even happened yet?

I thinking you are overthinking. His relationship troubles should bear no weight on your shoulders.

Also, until you see actual evidence that they have separated then your answer to a date should be a big NO!

Rania78 · 08/04/2024 11:11

Hmm you are overthinking of this. You can keep things professional at work, it’s not like you have to announce it to your co-workers.
If you like him just do it.

GreigeO · 08/04/2024 11:13

You are overthinking it. You haven’t even been on a date yet.

whichwayisup · 08/04/2024 11:15

No-one will think that. And who cares if anyone does, you haven't had an affair and his marriage didn't break down because of you. Why don't you just go and enjoy it, see what comes of it.

EvenStillIWantTo · 08/04/2024 11:16

Who cares? Live your life!

Cantabulous · 08/04/2024 11:18

I wouldn't think anything as I wouldn't care.

BarrelOfOtters · 08/04/2024 11:23

Yes they probably will as people love a bit of gossip. I married my boss, we'd been married 5 years when we bumped into someone we used to work with, who looked really shocked and quite shifty.

Later found out he'd contacted a mutual friend to say 'Barrel and Boss look like they might be having an affair!'. Friend said, 'probably not, I was at their wedding....'

Just go for it, people will think what people think.

Just bear in mind that if it is a recent break down you might want to take it slowly and there'll still be lots going on. You don't want to be the rebound shag...unless you do of course.

HoobleDooble · 08/04/2024 11:25

If you really like him and they definitely have separated then go on a date and see how it goes. Neither of you need tell anyone at work about it.

Lookingforunicorns · 08/04/2024 11:27

Up to you. I doubt anyone at work will see it that way.
However, corroborate his (likely very sanitized) version of the breakdown of his marriage.
His ex won't see it this way at all and it seems very early for him to be dating again.
Has he got kids? I'd want to know exactly why the marriage ended. If he ended it then I'd avoid a relationship with him. If his wife ended it and left him/had an affair then I'd see it differently. Mainly because if he can walk away from a marriage and kids, he can do it again to another partner!
You may be a rebound fling too. Worth bearing in mind if you're after something serious

MMmomDD · 08/04/2024 11:39

Go on a date. Don’t overthink.
You don’t even know this will turn into anything. And if it does - then why not.

After all - people always say here - end the relationship if its unhappy, then date. (Although the poster just above seems to only apply that wisdom to women. And a man who may have done that should be untouchable)

.

Lookingforunicorns · 08/04/2024 11:45

The poster above would apply it both ways but in this case it is the man she is planning to date.
The reasons why a marriage ended are important considerations. But I guess you'd only know that detail by going on the date and finding out how he speaks about his ex.

Plantmother71 · 08/04/2024 12:34

Also check if your work place has any disclosure needed if you have a relationship with a colleague - I know a lot of law firms have this, documents to be signed etc. there may be a bit of gossip but if you really like each other you can get through that. Good luck.

Original poster
Itsnamechange · 08/04/2024 13:52

Thanks for the replies! From a work pov dating wouldn’t be an issue. We’re now in totally different business areas and there are a number of relationships and married couples who both work at the company.

definitely will try to find out more about how the marriage ended. He IS a reasonably good friend but I don’t want to be a fool and just assume he’s not sugar coated it. They have two boys and he’s saying both have been unhappy and grown apart over a number of years. They’ve stuck it out he says for the sake of not disrupting their lives. I guess I’m very much overthinking because I’ve been single for a long time and I’m a bit scared to start anything new.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 08/04/2024 14:56

Who cares what people think.

You've admitted you were previously interested so assume that's not changed so why would give someone else the power over your happiness?

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 15:11

I'm more concerned at how emotionally invested you will be - you say you got over it, but 10 years on, you're stil single and still interested in him so you need to be a bit careful of your own heart I'd say.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 08/04/2024 15:14

Does he live separately to his wife? If so, I'd say yes and not worry.

BarrelOfOtters · 08/04/2024 15:19

Tbf this exactly how my relationship started. He was very very newly single, still sharing same house as ex, he was, technically my boss, and everyone said too soon.

Together 17 years and married 11.

Original poster
Itsnamechange · 08/04/2024 15:21

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 15:11

I'm more concerned at how emotionally invested you will be - you say you got over it, but 10 years on, you're stil single and still interested in him so you need to be a bit careful of your own heart I'd say.

I mean I’m not still single because I’ve been carrying a torch or anything daft. 10 years ago I had a baby and was not long out of an abusive relationship. I’ve dated on and off but definitely feel like I’ve been burnt and I’m very hesitant to get into any relationship. That’s probably why I’m overthinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnamechange · 08/04/2024 15:22

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 08/04/2024 15:14

Does he live separately to his wife? If so, I'd say yes and not worry.

Yes they live separately.

OP posts:
inabubble3 · 09/04/2024 14:05

If you want to go on the date go on the date. 😃

if you don’t go on the date because of what work people will think you’ll regret it.

If you don’t want to go on a date with him, kindly let him down. That’s all there is to it. Good luck x x x

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/04/2024 15:06

If they are definitely separated and living apart and you want to go on a date, then go on the date. You don't see him much at work, aren't on the same team, don't report to each other, so don't see what the issue at work would be.

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