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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on custody and benefits needed

26 replies

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 06:18

My partner announced just over a week ago that he wanted us to split up. His behaviour has been awful, and by that I mean much worse than usual, for the last six months. I found out yesterday that he has been cheating for a year and has a girlfriend of six months.

Due to his wage (approx 2.5x what I earn) I am not entitled to anything benefits wise. I do work almost full time hours but only earn 30k.

He is hoping to buy me out of our house if I temporarily give up some of my deposit (I put in 3x what he did). I am prepared to do this because then the kids will have a familiar base. It is going to take him some time to generate the rest of my deposit (c. £100k). I need this to buy a new place.

Where do I stand in terms of benefits? I have checked the calculators and I will be entitled to UC. Can I apply whilst we are still living in the same house since we are living independently, both physically and financially? As in he looks after them on the days he’ll have them
and I will look after them on the days I’ll have them. We each pay for childcare independently now. However, we do still have a joint bank account where I pay (and always have paid) 50% of the bills. This will have to remain whilst I still live in the house and my name is still on the mortgage.

Does he have to get 50% custody? I don’t want that but he’s insisting he’ll take me to court otherwise. He’s vindictive so I believe him. I don’t genuinely think he’ll manage 50% custody but apparently it’ll be a doddle! This is someone who does not currently do much. He sorts breakfast and takes them to school (both primary age). He also does half of activities - taking kids to their hobbies. I do pick ups and sort meals, all child/house admin, also do half of hobbies, all cooking/cleaning, etc. On a weekend he currently (and always has done) as he pleases.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 08/04/2024 06:21

He can borrow against the house to pay you back you will need it

MothralovesGojira · 08/04/2024 06:57

Do not agree anything without getting legal advice. He's trying to screw you over and fish you into making poor decisions.
See a family law solicitor quickly.

SheilaFentiman · 08/04/2024 07:01

Buying you out of the house means giving you back all you are owed on it.

AnitaLoos · 08/04/2024 07:31

He’s trying to cheat you financially just as he’s cheated on you emotionally and sexually. The CHEEK of demanding everything 50/50 yet wanting to hold onto your massive house deposit. See a lawyer. He earns much more than you. You are likely to be entitled to more than 50% of the house and you also have a potential claim against his pension. If he has the house (thanks to keeping hold of your huge investment) and you are precariously renting (and eating through your capital in rent and without recourse to universal credit as you can’t get that if you have more than £16k in the bank), he may have a better claim to become the resident parent. Dont do anything without legal advice!

Motheranddaughter · 08/04/2024 07:33

Are you married

GinForBreakfast · 08/04/2024 07:38

You need legal advice. Do not agree to anything and do not leave the house!

BMW6 · 08/04/2024 07:47

Can't advise without knowing if you are legally married. Makes such a difference.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 08/04/2024 07:48

Under absolutely no circumstances do you 'temporarily give up' 100k.

You'll never get it back, he'll move in the new GF and you'll never get your money,

Do not move out.

AnitaLoos · 08/04/2024 07:50

Yeah sorry - assumed you were married. If not you are much more vulnerable. Don’t move out and
let him keep your deposit! If you have over £16k in the bank you won’t get a penny in UC. So if you are renting and can’t get benefits, your chances of having enough to buy a new home will be limited. You want to buy as quickly as you can to avoid eroding your deposit. Citizen’s Advice can help with benefit entitlement.

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 07:55

Do NOT lend your cheating ex partner £100k so he can stay in your joint house! WTF! Where are you supposed to live if he keeps the house AND your money? Madness. If he can't afford to buy you out then you sell and both keep your deposits and 50% of any equity.
In relation to UC yes you can claim as long as you're genuinely living separately and taking steps to sell/transfer the house.
In relation to shared care - it sounds like he does do some care and there's no reason he couldn't step up and do the rest when you aren't there so a presumption of 50/50 is probably the starting point. Don't go into discussions either staking your claim over the kids or devaluing what he does. Focus on what's best for the kids. Finding a way that you can alternate weekends would be best, along with half of every holiday. That might mean one of you gets slightly more than 50% but if you can sit down with a calendar and work out a reasonable time split giving him a good chunk of time then he may be more amenable rather than demanding a straight 50/50.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 08/04/2024 07:59

Te reiterate what others have said, do nothing till you've had legal advice. Definitely do not move out!! As far as uc, in order to claim whilst you're in the same house you have to be living separately, so separate bank accounts, not doing each others food shopping, washing, cooking etc. basically living separate lives. As far as claiming after moving out, they will treat your equity in the property as capital unless you are taking steps to get it, allowing him to pay back at a later date would not be allowed, so if you'll need benefits that's not possible. The house is going to have to be sold unless he can buy you out in full. Good luck op, and don't let him bully you x

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 11:32

Motheranddaughter · 08/04/2024 07:33

Are you married

No we’re not married. I know this means I am screwed in terms of rights!

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 08/04/2024 11:37

Sell the house and get your money. Buy a place you can afford and get what benefits you can. Let things be settled. Where will he get the money from in the future to pay you?

DragonFly98 · 08/04/2024 11:38

You can apply for UC if you live in the same home but are you sure you worked it out correctly as your childcare costs must be through the roof to be entitled if you don't rent. Use this https://www.uceplus.co.uk/step1
entitled too etc is not accurate. You also can't have £16k or above in savings.

Step 1 | UC Essentials

https://www.uceplus.co.uk/step1

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 11:45

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 08/04/2024 07:59

Te reiterate what others have said, do nothing till you've had legal advice. Definitely do not move out!! As far as uc, in order to claim whilst you're in the same house you have to be living separately, so separate bank accounts, not doing each others food shopping, washing, cooking etc. basically living separate lives. As far as claiming after moving out, they will treat your equity in the property as capital unless you are taking steps to get it, allowing him to pay back at a later date would not be allowed, so if you'll need benefits that's not possible. The house is going to have to be sold unless he can buy you out in full. Good luck op, and don't let him bully you x

We do have separate bank accounts. However, the house bills come out of a joint account. I don’t know how to change this whilst we’re still living together. I am not doing his washing, cooking, cleaning, life admin. He has been taken off my emergency contact at work. I’ve requested he do the same. I have notified school, friends, work, etc. I haven’t got any way of working the bills without the joint account. I don’t earn enough to pay them all. Childcare is paid up until the end of the next half term as I paid that prior to the separation. Would I contact CAB about a benefits claim. Currently I claim CB but it goes into the joint account and he pays it back as he earns over the threshold.

OP posts:
Nevermindtheteacaps · 08/04/2024 18:21

And you're NOT losing him 100k right?

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 18:22

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 11:45

We do have separate bank accounts. However, the house bills come out of a joint account. I don’t know how to change this whilst we’re still living together. I am not doing his washing, cooking, cleaning, life admin. He has been taken off my emergency contact at work. I’ve requested he do the same. I have notified school, friends, work, etc. I haven’t got any way of working the bills without the joint account. I don’t earn enough to pay them all. Childcare is paid up until the end of the next half term as I paid that prior to the separation. Would I contact CAB about a benefits claim. Currently I claim CB but it goes into the joint account and he pays it back as he earns over the threshold.

Benefits are claimed online via universal credit

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 18:35

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 18:22

Benefits are claimed online via universal credit

Thanks. That’s really helpful to know.

OP posts:
AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 18:35

Nevermindtheteacaps · 08/04/2024 18:21

And you're NOT losing him 100k right?

No I most definitely am not!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 08/04/2024 18:40

Stay in the house do not let him push you out. I'd fight for more than 50% even more so as you put in such a large deposit. Don't roll over and let him screw you over again!!!

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 18:49

When you bought the house, did you buy it as joint tenants or as tenants in common? Also, did you ringfenced your deposit?
You really need to get some good legal advice asap regarding this.

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 21:23

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 18:49

When you bought the house, did you buy it as joint tenants or as tenants in common? Also, did you ringfenced your deposit?
You really need to get some good legal advice asap regarding this.

We bought as tenants in common. On it with the legal advice.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 22:28

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 21:23

We bought as tenants in common. On it with the legal advice.

As 50/50 ownership?

AIBU79 · 08/04/2024 22:42

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 22:28

As 50/50 ownership?

No. I put in just over £140k, he out in just short of half of that. We pay 50% of the mortgage each though.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 09/04/2024 07:28

You either need to sell the house & both get back deposit plus equity. Or he buys you out & gives you the deposit plus equity.

I can't see why you would need benefits at the moment tbh.

He is probably planning on moving his mistress in to do the house wife role. He sounds awful. He's trying to push you out of a home & leave kids there just so he can get on with his new life.