How to fall in love without losing yourself

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

I have been single for several years, through both choice and circumstances (single parent, young dc, no will or desire to date)

I have recently (january) met someone by chance. We have met 3 times and spent the days together. We get on so well. We talk several times a week. For hours sometimes. I really really like him and I think he feels the same.

My problem is, that I am getting very caught up with the whole thing. I can't wait for him to call. I agonise over whether to message him or not. I'm being quite reserved with him, as in ,letting him "do the chasing" so to speak. But inside my head is another matter.

I'm very conscious that my walls are up. I don't want to mess this up by being too reserved, equally I worry I'm very quickly becoming, I don't know reliant on him for my happiness maybe?

Any words of wisdom?

What did you do with your time before you met him? Did you have hobbies or see friends? Make sure you keep doing all those things, and prioritise yourself. Easy to say, hard to do when the temptation to get swept up in things is so strong. You are right that he needs to add to your life, not become your whole life. Keep busy doing the things that make you you, that make you happy, and hopefully he will fit well into your life. Maybe have a phrase you can repeat to yourself if you find you are spending too much time thinking about him, like a mantra. Allow yourself a few minutes to daydream then be strict and keep busy. I hope things work out for you as you hope they will!

People can latch on too much when there isn't enough going on in their lives apart from it. Make sure your life is also filled with other things and keep up with them. A man is an addition, not instead of anything.

Don't be afraid to reach out too, be yourself and do what you feel like doing, being too reserved purposely isn't being yourself. Good to have a healthy time apart also so he doesn't become your whole world, you are still a mum and have other things going on, it's all about balance.

How old are you?

I think what you're describing is pretty normal when you're falling for someone and will naturally pass once the initial lust/hormones die down. Not for nothing is so much music, writing and art devoted to the early stages of love, it's intense! In the meantime take it slowly and don't make the classic mistake of dumping your friends and family just because you've met someone. Hold onto your existing life in case things go wrong.

And you can't protect yourself from being hurt - that's a risk you take, it comes with the territory. I hope it works out for you!

I ask because I was messed up in my teens/20s and didn't understand my worth. So I got used.

I can only say that you need to preserve a strict sense of self, and self preservation, and not rely on a man for any kind of validation. Don't wait for the phone to ring - carry on with your life.

A man is an add-on, not the core of your being.

It's fine to be keen, fine to think he's lovely, but be careful, and be careful not to waste your time on men who don't truly care about you.

You've met up three times in three months? This is barely dating, definitely not a relationship. Chatting or texting on the phone is attachment not connection. You need to see him a LOT more. I would recommend less chat and more real life connection. If you're going to say - but we can't meet up more often than once a month - I would question whether the whole thing is really going to go anywhere

I think you need to see if he wants to date if it's what you want and physically see each other not just text and phone convo. I met my now hubby and from the start we texted and talked for hours between work but after 7 days we met and met and 6 weeks later married and now 4 kids but hey doesn't work for everyone. Funny enough we still text and talk alot on the phone work breaks etc and then still have time and new stuff to chat about when we get home. Anyway what I was trying to say for us a good chat led to a good relationship and a happy one

When I started OLD, I made a rule gor myself - which is still in place - that existing activities (e.g. yoga class, language class,) and friends came first. If someone is worth loving, they will love me as I am, because of the things I do that make me me, and the people I know. And if it turns out they're not worth loving, I'll be glad I never dropped everything/everyone else.

This is all really good and helpful, thank you

@RogueFemale I'm 46. So old enough to know better ...knowing my own worth is something that I completely list I'm my marriage. But have found again, slowly, in the years since.

@Getorganized yes, I have 2 young children, and the last few weeks we have both had prior commitments (work and family stuff) on the tines we would have otherwise arranged to meet. We have dates set going forward though.

Some really good advice here, I'm actually going to write some of it down.

We talk in the evenings when I would otherwise be at home, dc in bed, watching TV or reading.

@RogueFemale the part about "don't rely on any man for validation" I had recently spoken to a friend that while this situation is making me happy, happier than I've been in ages. I'm not enjoying the thoughts that I'm reliant on someone else to be happy. Dobt get me wrong, I was perfectly happy before but I definitely have more of a spring in my step and smile on my face now

Unfortunately you can't help where your head goes and a certain level of 'obsessing' over an amazing new person is natural. As you get used to them it levels off of its own accord. So to some extent, enjoy the feeling of being alive and excited and all that other intensity while it lasts. Im not sure I'm a fan of 'playing it cool' either. While its probably not a good idea to get an I love Brian tattoo just yet, or let him know you spend all day practising your Mrs Brian signature; I'm not sure what's to be gained by pretending to like soneone less than you do. Leads to all sorts of misunderstanding and angst ime.
On a practical level do not under any circumstances let your friendships suffer. Do not dominate conversation with anecdotes about him. Do not make excuses to them to see him no matter how much you want to. Do not message him while doing things with other people. Make plans with others that don't include him.
Good luck and enjoy!

Thanks, I am definitely overthinking a lot and also I'm not "playing it cool" in a game playing way, I'm just very cautious with barriers firmly up (again, not on purpose, but as a lovely leftover from my marriage) I have been more open recently.

We didn't meet in a dating sense, and it's been a slow burn with us getting to know each other. It still is really, but I'm enjoying it.

Hormones take over in the early stages of a relationship. It's not 'losing yourself', it's biology! You are old enough and sound sensible enough to let yourself enjoy that rush for what it is, while also being aware of what it is and keeping sight of who you are. He makes you happy, but there are no doubt other things that make you happy. Those things would still be there if it didn't work out with him in the end.

I agree with @5128gap -- to an extent this kind of inner excitement is natural at the early stages of a relationship, but you should absolutely not compromise on any other areas of your life for the sake of this very, very early possible relationship. Be disciplined about making time for your other relationships.

Also, in what way are you 'playing it cool' and keeping your guard up, if you're talking to him for hours at a time and obsessing about him? You say you're not 'game-playing', but it sounds as if you're pretending to him that it's business as usual while inwardly, you think about him all the time and agonise about messaging...?

The words "playing it cool" weren't mine... I think I said reserved. I havent told him how much I like him , we do chat for hours, have a laugh, talk about all sorts and have a lot in common. We'll be seeing more of each other in person- as I said, I have other commitments/plans which I havent changed for him.

I think being off work last week hasnt helped! I find it difficult to open up about certain things, but it was pointed out to me by a friend irl that he must like me given all the calls etc. So I have tried to be more open with him as previously I wasn't sure if it was just friendship

It's normal to get excited op, when there is a potential connection. Naturally you have other commitments with kids which is good. My partner has his own busy life with work (no kids) and sometimes I wondered if he's not invested in me, but I think he's just built a full life for himself for his own mental health and I fit in within it. I think I've been guilty of clearing my own diary for a man but in hindsight, that isn't right at all.

An update for anyone who is interested...we have established that we both like each other a lot and want a relationship. I'm really enjoying it. It is taking sone getting used to, and I am finding my way with the times we don't see/speak to each other but we've had some really good open conversations. Obviously I have no idea how it will go, but so far it's great.

I think 'Do what makes you feel good' is really good advice, and applicable at any time. So, if he's wonderful to you, and you want to spend all your time thinking about him because it feels good, then do that. Not too bad a life, feeling good all the time.

If he does something that makes you think 'Huh? What? That's not in keeping with the feeling good theme..', then say that. And if his answer doesn't make you feel good again, tell him that. At some point, you won't want to keep explaining to someone that they're not making you feel good. You'll just want to be somewhere else. And this is the bit where it all goes wrong, and we keep on trying to explain to someone that they're not doing what we want them to do, as if that's what they're somehow 'meant' to do.

Keep an eye open for that situation, and if it crops up, and you think 'Jeez, do I really have to explain things to this guy for the 4th time?!', then just don't bother. If you've told them once, consider their response to be their response, and if you don't want a guy who responds like that, find a different guy.

In short, if you stop feeling good around him, give him 1 chance, by explaining. If he doesn't sort the issue, go somewhere you do feel good.