What do I do

[Confused71]

Hi all, I'm seeking advice and perspective on my situation, as I'm at a loss about what to do. I am DH (51), married to DW (52) for 15 years. In the past four years, my DW has struggled with chronic illnesses and stopped working. My job is very demanding, but I handle about 95% of the household chores, including shopping, cooking, and cleaning, dealing with bills, issues etc...

Initially, I coped, but recently I've started to question the severity of my DW's illness, noticing she only seems unwell when facing undesirable tasks or jobs around the house.

She spends her days watching TV, while I work (I work from home). Occasionally, she might make me a cup of tea, but usually, I'm juggling looking after her needs (food, drinks etc.) while trying to work.

Our relationship has strained, leading to several arguments this year. After expressing my need for support, she's made sporadic efforts to contribute, but she avoids going out, won't travel , neglects her diet, and refuses to go to the doctors , claiming they're futile as they don't find anything. Her poor diet has led to new health complaints which is worrying me.

Despite expressing my unhappiness, she reacts defensively, insisting I do more as the fact the house is not as clean as she would like or the DIY not done is making her feel worse.

I'm contemplating divorce, but hindered by guilt over her financial dependence on me and I hate conflict.

I yearn for happiness, the ability to travel, and enjoy life with a partner. Yet, literally each day starts with her telling me all her symptoms , adding to the negativity that's exhausting me. I really don't know what to do, I realised I have fallen out of love and just carrying on due to duty.

I know I am not perfect and I have a load of faults and this is my perspective on the situation, but any advice or guidance would be appreciated.

What illness does she have?

Well, you only get one life.

If you hired a cleaner and took more time for yourself, hobbies etc, maybe that'd make you feel more rested and clearer on what you want?
If you still feel it's time to go then it's probably time to go.

Of course a chat with her about how you are feeling might be a way to go too. But you know better than us if that would get her to shake things up or, simply make things worse.

Is her condition treatable or is it more a state of mind? Being chronically ill can be draining and depressing and with some things it takes work to get better, lifestyle adjustments, therapy, medication etc.
Ultimately, if you aren’t happy and you have fallen out of love you only have a few options.
Divorce and come up with a reasonable settlement so you can both start again.
Seek further treatment and marriage counselling.

In the short term though, I’d look at getting some paid help in if you can stretch to it. Cleaner, handyman etc. Ease whatever burdens you can on yourself because you sound exhausted - turning into resentment. That’s not a good place to be.

I mean she might be massively depressed but quite frankly that does not excuse her using you like this. She has even started saying you’re not doing enough? wow. sorry she’s taking you for an absolute mug. And this is coming from someone who is a devout supporter of women as a feminist (which basically translates to equality supporter). I’m assuming she’s got no reason to resent you & she’s not somehow trying to punish you for something (still not ok obviously as not a good way to address it).

I really feel for you, put your foot down asap and tell her you can’t do this anymore. She either gets off her arse and pulls her weight at home or gets her illnesses addressed asap (I bet the reason the GP “won’t find anything “ is because there isn’t anything to find) and so she can pull her weight and stop treating you like a slave. If she is depressed it’s hard but the GP can definitely help.

Failing that (and I feel you are already at this next point anyway) divorce her- don’t feel a shred of guilt because this is the wake up call in her life she needs- you’d be ultimately doing her a favour. She’s become an awful lazy slob with a nasty negative toxic attitude. I bet suddenly she’s able to work without issue once you’ve left.
Best of luck.

Are you running around after someone with no diagnosis? Take yourself off for the weekend somewhere to chill. If she can walk, she can answer the door for food and go to the loo and use a phone. So she won't die while you are gone, and she might just value you more on return.

First of all op, get a cleaner if you can possibly fund it. So that is one less thing to argue about.

Second, I doubt your wife would live this way, not going out etc, if she wasn’t either physically or mentally unwell. She definitely needs to seek professional medical help. And that has to come from her but it can often be a viscious cycle when you are depressed because you need energy to access help and navigate the health system if you are in uk.

This could be depression caused by menopause or illness or both. Some women are affected really badly and menopause can cause a profound sense of futility. She may need HRT so it’s best to see a specialist. She’s the right age for it.

Thirdly, you owe it to her to tell her that you no longer love her and that you are contemplating divorce if that is the case, and if you are, you can always provide for her above the basic financial minimum so I doubt that it is the financial issue that is holding you back, it’s probably more that you feel guilty for leaving someone who is not in a good place physically or mentally.

Finally, was she happy in the marriage when she was fully functioning before she became ill? Did she have autonomy and was she fulfilled? Does she have family and friends where you live? Did you share household chores then? Do you have dc and how much DIY does your house need? Sorry for the questions but all of those things can adversely affect physical and mh.

Life is very hard for you obviously op and I understand you are struggling but if you are looking for “permission” to leave by posting here then I think it’s better to be honest about it.

What are the chronic illnesses OP?

Fed up with menopause being used as excuse for opting out of responsibilities and expecting partners to pick it all up. The Menopause happens to all women so education and addressing symptoms (not always easy I know) and making adjustments is the way forward. We are all responsible for our own wellbeing and that includes OP's wife.

OP, you need to get to the bottom of why your wife is opting out, is it illness/ menopause/ depression or a combination of both?

Men are notoriously bad at not being upfront with their feelings so you need to tell her kindly exactly how you feel and give her a chance to opt back to life and start behaving accordingly.

Not blowing my own trumpet OP but trying to put things in perspective regarding age, I work 3 days out of 5, plus run two businesses with my DH and do all household chores, shopping, bills, accounts, run round after several grandkiddies, walk my dogs daily at 65 and have time for my elderly spinster neighbour of 79 who is equally as active as I, still riding her bike twice a day. It isn't age but mindset and if your DW only appears to have symptoms of these debilitating illnesses when expected to do simple responsibilities like making a cuppa or basic housework I suspect she's taking you for a mug.

It’s really great Springtoit that you are so dynamic and healthy but the op’s wife has chronic illnesses. We don’t know what they are. I merely suggested that they could be exacerbated by menopause as not everyone has the same experience as you.

And fwiw, imho, there are very few dh’s like op picking up all the housework; it’s usually the other way around!

With respect, OP stated these chronic illnesses only present when she is expected to contribute/join in or take responsibility otherwise she is quite happy to watch TV all day whilst he not only provides financially but does the lion share of the domestic grind.

Life doesn't/ shouldn't stop for the menopause. Million of women suffer terribly and still manage to show up for work, their partners and families.

If she's depressed alongside her condition, then it's a possible explanation for the disinterest in doing anything and hopelessness about anything helping or getting better. It might be worth seeing if she would seek mh support if it might be that.

But if she is intransigent about not seeking help, then there's nowhere to go with it, really.

Thank you all for your comments. To be honest, I don't know why I posted here; I just needed to say it out loud, if that makes sense.

DW has long COVID but has never tested positive or had the typical symptoms of COVID. She was sent to a long COVID clinic about a year ago but stopped going and never followed any advice. Since then, she refuses to return to the doctors and is worsening her health due to her diet.

She did have a mental health assessment and no further support was deemed necessary. I am very conscious that long COVID can be crippling for people, but I am struggling to see if she truly has it or is using it as a shield. That sounds horrible, I know, but throughout our marriage, there have been years of different chronic illnesses she has suffered from, which then become reasons to avoid responsibilities. This means my trust is at a low point.

I was not seeking approval for divorce; it's just that I feel trapped in a situation that I can't see a way out of due to guilt and feeling like a coward, the impact on her would be massive I would provide what financial support I could but I don't know if that would be enough. This makes me feel so guilty as I am destroying her life.

If I left her, she would have no income or support as she has cut herself off from her friends and family. She has a brother and sister who live close by but she won't see them.

I would normally speak to friends and my brothers, but I haven't seen mine for many years as she dislikes me being away from the house, so I am venting online (sorry).

She's at it, you know she's at it, she knows you know she's at it. Leave. She's emotionally abusing you. Divorce her kindly ie make sure it's a financially fair split. The brass neck of this kind of lazy is extraordinary. Have experienced it first hand recently by "working" with someone exactly like this. Leave. This doesn't have to be your life. Get a therapist too so you can untangle from all her guilt trips. Honestly, people like your wife are just pits of awfulness. Unless she fixes herself you will be stuck in the pit alongside her.

I have tried to research spousal maintenence but it is so vague, my current thinking is all house equity and me paying around 1k maintenance, obviously that is dependent on me still working, is that realistic offer? I think it should give her enough to start over from.

I would then be able to afford a small apartment for myself.

I am trying to offset my guilt for considering divorce, by breaking down all the guilt factors so that I can overcome them.

Christ I wish I was more ruthless as thinking of initiating this conversation is horrible and I keep putting it off but it's something I need to do.

Sorry, I know I am moaning and rambling, it's just helping me compose my thoughts and alternative views are extremely valuable as this is all new to me.

That is a very generous pot you are considering. Would you be able to fund yourself too?

Id speak to a solicitor as a first port of call, and get an idea of what is reasonable.

Extraordinarily generous

Seek legal advice

And if she's that ill then she needs to research what benefits she'd be entitled to

You need to talk to a solicitor.

I think spousal maintenance is quite rare these days, but if she can't work, it might well be the case you need to continue to support her financially. But they do try to give people a clean break these days.

I don't think you should dismiss the Covid explanation because she never tested positive - it was a bit of a shitshow as to whether people tested positive or not.

You'll also have to consider pensions when sorting out the financial side of the divorce.

Speak to a solicitor and be fair. If she's never had covid symptoms and never tested positive, it's unlikely that is the reason. Given that she has faked other chronic illnesses over years to get out of doing things, it's more of a reflection of her MH.
Actually it's possible that separating could give her a new lease of life. Her default up to now has been to rely on you. My SIL for last few years of my DB's marriage became insular, ate snacks too much, put on weight, the more weigh she put on, the less she wanted to be seen and the more TV she watched. My DB left her for another woman - don't blame him under the circumstances. He's now married to her and happy and travels all over the world.
My ex SIL, lost weight, started dating, has a partner, has moved away, goes on holidays abroad and is far happier in herself as a result. She did quite well out of the split financially, has the house and I think a one off payment to have a clean break, which I would advise to prevent future extra claims and help you plan for your own future.

Have you got any children?
If not, there's no need for you to support your wife financially in the event of a divorce.

You need legal advice.

If your wife is really ill, she can claim UC and PIP.

I think you need to cast off this feeling of guilt.

We are only hearing your side but from what you have said, your wife if doing zero to help herself and yet appears to be abusing you and grinding you down.

You need a friend or counsellor to help you navigate this next part of your life 🙂. good luck!

I know this was a one sided view, I 100% have a load of faults and maybe that makes us not a good mix.

Thank you all, I know what I need to do. I really appreciate the advice and counter views, I need to take the next steps and see what happens.

do note that spousal maintenance would count as income if the DW was claiming Universal Credit and other income-related benefits. Hence, may not be all that helpful in practice.

Courts very rarely award spousal maintenance, they like a final financial award.

Get yourself a solicitor. Spousal maintenance unlikely to be required and as someone else pointed out will count against any benefits she's awarded. Stop with the guilt, she should be the guilty one.