Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating

8 replies

Ash2345f · 07/04/2024 22:27

What are people’s thoughts on adults who cheat on their spouses claiming they are in an unhappy relationship and they want out of the relationship but it’s very difficult to leave due to house etc. Do you think they ever do leave their partners when they say they are going to and do you think it can ever work out with the person they cheated on their partner with?

OP posts:
Usernamechange1234 · 07/04/2024 22:34

I think they’re lying about it. It’s absolute cheater script.

I think the affair is abusive (removes right to informed sexual consent and personal agency) towards their spouse and why on earth anyone would want to have an affair with someone being abusive to someone they are supposed to protect and care for, is beyond me.

I think they sometimes leave but they are statistically FAR more likely to stay. And if they do go I think the chance of being happy is SLIM.

I think cheats are deeply flawed individuals and likely to cheat again even if they did leave.

I think anyone involved with a cheat would be utterly stupid to think any differently.

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/04/2024 22:36

If you want to leave a relationship because you’re unhappy be honest. But jumping into a relationship when still entangled is low.
Its sad how gullible/desperate some women are , believing the tales some men spin

Scalby · 07/04/2024 22:40

I'd think they were the same as every other cheat. If they're that unhappy they'd legally separate, even if a house sale was in dispute. If they're still together it couldn't be a bigger red flag.

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/04/2024 22:41

Yes they do often leave. Whether chucked out or of their own accord.
You only have to look at showbiz couples. It's littered with the man having an affair and then moving on/in with the AP.

Blokes typically only leave a relationship once they have established another warm body to replace it with..and usually only then.

highlo · 08/04/2024 06:50

Exactly what @Justleaveitblankthen

The problem with this type of "man" is that they typically do it in the next one too

FairyMaclary · 08/04/2024 07:37

Even if they do leave I’m not sure why they would be a desirable option?

Someone who is prepared to break their own vows - they were words they chose willingly to speak in front of friends and family. They chose to commit and divorce is legal in the U.K.

If they were unhappy they had choices a) divorce b) talk and try and make it better - maybe counselling or accessing resources c) put up and shut up. Cause your spouse PTSD and become an abuser - not sure why anyone would think that is a great choice.

Being faithful is an active choice. Cheating is easy - tinder is easy to download. I remain faithful for me. I said I would be faithful. My integrity and honesty and my word are important to me. I have to look at myself every day for the rest of my life. I remain faithful for me. Nothing my spouse can do can ‘make’ me cheat. I choose not to. He cannot make me remain faithful - that’s also my choice. He is the collateral damage to my decisions.

I don’t like the characteristics a cheat has. In order to cheat on someone you prioritise yourself, you are okay with lying, poor communication, inability to self soothe, self gratifying, you justify and rewrite history. A cheat often blames others for their own happiness (and then in turn their unhappiness). They look for what they can GET out of a relationship not what they can put into it. They often have addiction issues. People pleasing tendencies. The need for external gratification and ego kibbles. They risk STDs and don’t believe in consent. They minimise and justify and think they deserve more than their spouse.

Relationships have ups and downs. Life throws shit at you. I don’t want to commit to a known cheat. They may be okay when it’s new and shiny and they are the centre of your focus but a few years down the line after a redundancy and a bereavement or an accident or cancer diagnosis and their NEEDs aren’t been met. Then what?

So I wouldn’t date anyone who cheated on their wife/husband as their words mean fuck all. Their actions tell me all i need to know about them.

Integrity and honesty are the foundation of a relationship and if you meet someone and know they sold their integrity and honesty for a quick shag or some ego kibbles then why would you choose to spend your precious time on them?

My life and my time is more precious to me than a relationship with any man. And I can’t see why a cheater would be so amazing it’s worth compromising myself and my beliefs.

Mensuckbigtime · 08/04/2024 09:33

FairyMaclary · 08/04/2024 07:37

Even if they do leave I’m not sure why they would be a desirable option?

Someone who is prepared to break their own vows - they were words they chose willingly to speak in front of friends and family. They chose to commit and divorce is legal in the U.K.

If they were unhappy they had choices a) divorce b) talk and try and make it better - maybe counselling or accessing resources c) put up and shut up. Cause your spouse PTSD and become an abuser - not sure why anyone would think that is a great choice.

Being faithful is an active choice. Cheating is easy - tinder is easy to download. I remain faithful for me. I said I would be faithful. My integrity and honesty and my word are important to me. I have to look at myself every day for the rest of my life. I remain faithful for me. Nothing my spouse can do can ‘make’ me cheat. I choose not to. He cannot make me remain faithful - that’s also my choice. He is the collateral damage to my decisions.

I don’t like the characteristics a cheat has. In order to cheat on someone you prioritise yourself, you are okay with lying, poor communication, inability to self soothe, self gratifying, you justify and rewrite history. A cheat often blames others for their own happiness (and then in turn their unhappiness). They look for what they can GET out of a relationship not what they can put into it. They often have addiction issues. People pleasing tendencies. The need for external gratification and ego kibbles. They risk STDs and don’t believe in consent. They minimise and justify and think they deserve more than their spouse.

Relationships have ups and downs. Life throws shit at you. I don’t want to commit to a known cheat. They may be okay when it’s new and shiny and they are the centre of your focus but a few years down the line after a redundancy and a bereavement or an accident or cancer diagnosis and their NEEDs aren’t been met. Then what?

So I wouldn’t date anyone who cheated on their wife/husband as their words mean fuck all. Their actions tell me all i need to know about them.

Integrity and honesty are the foundation of a relationship and if you meet someone and know they sold their integrity and honesty for a quick shag or some ego kibbles then why would you choose to spend your precious time on them?

My life and my time is more precious to me than a relationship with any man. And I can’t see why a cheater would be so amazing it’s worth compromising myself and my beliefs.

Amen to that!

Usernamechange1234 · 08/04/2024 10:12

Absolutely @FairyMaclary if you believe that the removal of informed sexual consent is abusive, that gaslighting and lying are abusive behaviours etc etc then ergo cheating is abusive. The cheat is abusing their spouse/partner.

I just can’t fathom affair partners out.

‘i know this man is abusing his wife BUT I want him for myself because he’s a prize and I know I will ‘tame him’ and he won’t take this into our relationship he will love ME’

I mean really?!? Can’t they even see this sounds bonkers! Why would anyone knowingly pine over an abuser?!?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page