How can I leave?

[tiredmum156]

I'm at the point now where I cannot continue in the relationship. Due to marry this year, have a child and a mortgage.

He has lots of issues and I just can't do it anymore and can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I feel completely trapped with the house and our kid. I can't afford to move out, he won't be able to either. I'm terrified to actually have this conversation that I can't do it anymore so I feel I should just put up with it and continue rather than rip the plaster off. I have tried in the past and he always wins me over. I almost wish he would do something completely unforgivable so that I could use that to leave, rather than just he's an arsehole and we don't get on.

Please help, how can I navigate this?

IMO, if you tell him, he may just do as you wish

Would you stay with someone that did not want to stay with you?

Your choice as you know him best

Sorry for being blunt but it is what it is

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator I have tried in the past and he doesn't want to lose his family life so always wins me over. He's nice then for a period of time but goes back to his normal ways once the dust has settled. I'm really very trapped :(

It's difficult. I want to leave too but can't afford to and no where to go.
At the moment I'm writing a letter explaining everything. It helps to write things down. It should make it a little easier when talking about the relationship.
Maybe give the letter writing a go?
Best of luck to you x

ok - then just leave - good luck
leave go to parents and see if he changes?

You can do this! I know it seems impossible but there is always a way. If you’re sure you want out you need to have a conversation with him. I had a big reason but stuck with it until it was impossible. Thankfully he moved out. As you’re not married I don’t know how you stand but you should have some rights, have you had a google?
if your names on the mortgage then maybe sell up and split the assets if he won’t move out. Sorry I can’t be much help but good luck it’s not nice being unhappy in a relationship.

@BunnyLily thanks lovely. I have had a meeting with a solicitor years ago about my rights so I have this all written down etc. I just never trust myself and if I will regret my decision. He is a decent guy, which is what makes it so hard. His problems are just not worth it any longer and I deserve soo much more and don't want to waste my life away being miserable. I just have no idea how to bloody do it xx

Feeling trapped and actually being trapped are two different things. No-one can make you stay in a relationship you do not want to be in. Even a persuasive controlling arsehole.
It is entirely legitimate to say you’re an arsehole, we don’t get on, I'm unhappy. You don’t need any more reason. Could you go stay with family/friend?

You are only trapped by your own fear. You can leave and you should. Not fair on you and not fair on your child. Rip the plaster off. You've got this. Have faith.

I just have no idea how to bloody do it xx

How about if you make your necessary living arrangements and then tell him what they are - so it’s obvious that you’re ending it. Then when he asks why, you tell him.(Obviously that’s easier if it involves you moving out, not him)

Do not dig an even deeper inescapable hole for yourself by marrying him.

It will just complicate things.

Imagine making those matrimonial vows, spending all that money, guests spending their money to attend etc and it’s actually a farce because your heart’s not in it.

Can you temporarily camp at your parents? Do you have a friend with a spare room you can escape to? Maybe having a break and some headspace will show him you are serious about packing it in.

Better the disappointment of everyone that you don’t marry than that you go through the farce of the wedding, nothing changes and you eventually find the way to walk out.

Be true to yourself.

How can he be decent with problems that mean you deserve so much more? Do you mean he appears decent to others? Do you have someone to stay with? I think you need to actually make plans in advance and tell him what’s happening after you’ve made plans. Otherwise it’s so easy to be sucked back in (understandably).

can you cancel the wedding at minimum? And work out what you could do in terms of living arrangements?

There is just nowhere for me to go sadly. My mum lives hours away and my child has school here. Also my job! I think the best that can be done is he lives in the spare room until we are able to sell and then go our seperate ways. Sigh!

Just wanted to update that I did it. He's left the house, living with his parents. Best decision I've ever made

Well done. That was difficult I bet.

Just saw your update. Good for you! 🥂