How did you decide it was bad enough to leave?

[Gingerisgoodforyou]

Some context - been with dp 15 years, dc are 10 and 7. For quite a few years we've struggled with resentment on both sides for various reasons. I feel we're both staying together 'for the sake of the kids'. And I have worries if we split re finances, and missing the dc ( particularly depending on how much residency he wanted).

I was planning to stay together til dc are older, hoping by some miracle our relationship would improve, and maybe just kicking something scary into the long grass, but
a) I don't think it will improve. I think it'll get worse and dc will become more aware of it (no huge arguments, but there is more bickering or a frosty atmosphere which I'm increasingly struggling to hide);
b) I have a chance to move out to somewhere local which means dc can stay in their current school, if we sell our house and I get near 50% share. Finances would be a lot tighter but doable I think. But I'd have to decide now and do it, or opportunity will be gone.
c) I know dc1 has a rough few years coming up. She has ASD so high school will be tough, and needs major surgery in a few years, so hard enough without throwing a separation into the mix.

I can't make the decision to go, a mixture of fear, guilt, worrying it's the wrong decision etc, but equally scared of missing this opportunity which won't come again. I feel so trapped and tired of compromise. I'm worried by the time I pluck up courage or finally feel miserable enough to leave, it will be too late. There's no abuse, I just feel dp and I are too different to be happy together anymore. I daydream of life without him. He won't consider couples counselling.

If there was no abuse, how did you make the decision to leave?

Leave for the children's sake...they deserve a happy mother

The moment when it suddenly struck me: instead of staying together for the sake of the children, maybe I really ought to leave for the sake of the children.
Because if this tension filled fraught relationship is the picture we're offering them of adult relationships, maybe they'd be better off without it.
There were tough times, but I can honestly say, I never regretted that decision.

Thanks both. I just can't imagine actually throwing the granade. For various reasons the chance I have now would make it easier both financially and emotionally, but I'd have to decide in the next day or two. And I still can't seem to get the courage to.

What almost tipped me today was him saying he didn't want me to put something of dms in our house as it is a reminder of her (precisely why I want it). Small, but I just want my own space without him in it.

I know dc would be a lot worse off materially though which would impact them in all sorts of ways eg more time in childcare, less holidays. And I know a poor relationship isnt good role modelling, but from the outside we seem okiay ish and I really think dd1 would find the disruption and moving between houses very hard. I just don't know how to summon the courage in the absence of anything major happening eg affair, abuse etc.

Children prefer happier parents over holidays and toys.
Children prefer calm and peaceful atmospheres over bickering and sulking.

Go. Leave. Put your children first. Money for holidays and a nice house and bigger Christmas presents are not the things children need. Wants and needs are totally different but many people confuse the two. Every single person will tell you that relationships don't tend to improve by crossing your fingers or on wishes, you both have to work at it, and it doesn't seem like either of you care enough to try.

I ended my marriage when I found my dc huddled together on the stairs listening to the “quiet” argument.
I realised at that point that I did not want them to grow up in an unhappy environment.
I earned enough to buy a property on my own, much smaller and not in the location that I would have wanted but it is ours and we have a great life without my exdh living with us.
we still have holidays and I’m always juggling the finances but it is our home and we are all very happy.
My dc see their father as and when they want, they choose not to stay over and never have in 6 years.
He lives very close to us and through gritted teeth I have maintained an amicable relationship with him.

He won't consider couples counselling.

This tells you all you need to know. You, and the family you've created together, aren't important enough to him to bother trying to save it.

Pull out the pin and throw that grenade. You will regret it massively if you don't.

Well you are clear your relationship is over and you have a viable plan to leave, so that’s a good position to leave from.

You will feel so much better when you do, and living in this situation will be doing your kids no good at all.

When I asked my self if I could imagine spending the next 25 years with him.

Another one here who ended my marriage for my DC sake. If not for the DC I would have continued fighting, begging, pleading for my marriage to work with someone who was frankly not interested or perhaps just clueless.

Life is tough in different ways now but my life is calm and DC happy.

When my husband raped me & a week later, tried to burn the house down with me & ds in it. Thankfully ds had learned to dial 999 at school, he was only 6 & the police turned up & helped me pack the car to leave him.

Thanks for all the replies. Nat6999 sorry you went through that.

Dp isn't a bad person or abusive, though he can be controlling at times. I just feel we're incompatible, and though we can usually get on OK, I can't see myself ever properly loving him again. I do want out at some point, but just don't know how to take that step even with the option I have currently. I feel like my courage and decision will slowly build - maybe because I'm sick of feeling miserable and consumed with it, but not in time to do it right now. Even harder when this option closes on me. I want to try therapy to help me make decisions and move forward, but don't really have the money or time frame (if I take the housing option). I feel so frustrated with myself as well as the situation. Failure at the relationship and failing to leave. I just don't know how to unstick myself.

I have very little family support, and none of my friends are separated so I haven't really confided in anyone irl.

I don't think you'll ever really be sure. Luckily mine left (I think assuming I'd beg for his return) and I felt peace in the home and just felt sure it was the right thing. 18 months later and I'm still largely...85% sure it's been the right thing. Every time I am in that 15% space of maybe.... He'll do something horrible and it'll remind me why it's better.

Kids all prefer it. No stress filled homes. No tension filled events. It's just so overwhelmingly peaceful.

Stressful financially, it's been a hard 18 months financially and probably will be for another 4 years but then it'll all have worked itself out.

Funnily enough everyone in my life is glad we've split. Just incompatible sadly.... Very sadly as I loved him very much and still do probably. Although I'm getting my head round that maybe I love a version of him which is not who he actually is. Still getting my head round that one.

b) I have a chance to move out to somewhere local which means dc can stay in their current school, if we sell our house and I get near 50% share. Finances would be a lot tighter but doable I think. But I'd have to decide now and do it, or opportunity will be gone.
If you decide to take this option how quickly will you need the equity out of the house? The process of reaching financial agreement and selling or refinancing the family home can take quite a while even if you're fairly amicable. Just noticed you said DP not DH/DW. Do you own defined percentages of the house?

c) I know dc1 has a rough few years coming up. She has ASD so high school will be tough, and needs major surgery in a few years, so hard enough without throwing a separation into the mix.
Would your DP be supportive and sharing the care for DC1 post surgery? I know my Stbxh would do bugger all. If you'd basically be doing it all yourself then the surgery may be something you can leave off the pros and cons list.

All the women I know who Im close enough too to actually know the details of their split were in abusive relationships. One only realised this after they broke up. It wasn't the abuse though that was the final straw for me. It was realising that he wasn't interested in or capable of supporting our DC through some major life events. I thought what's the point of him if he can't even do that.

FWIW it came out later that our then early primary age DD was well aware of at least some of our short quite spats. Kids can often be a lot more aware then their parents think they are.

by the time most women get to the point of contemplating breaking up their family, the relationship is dead and buried. Almost all women try incredibly hard to 'make it work'; for the sake of their children, stability and fear of doing the wrong thing. It will not be the wrong thing to leave if you ae unhappy and can see no possibility of things improving, how could it be??

If you're questioning if its bad enough to leave, its bad enough to leave. One of those situations of if you're asking the question, you already know the answer.

When I realised he was fucking up DC mental health . As well as mine

and I wish I knew how badly as I would have ended it earlier