In-laws making decisions about grandchildren

[hollyjolly12]

Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster. I'll try to include as much detail as possible without being too outing. Apologies for the long post!

DH and I have three primary aged children who were taken on holiday by my in-laws a few weeks ago. Unbeknown to us, whilst on holiday my SIL turned up for the last few days with her children. We are no contact with SIL due to her past behaviour (refusal to seek treatment for MH issues, in trouble with the police, threats to in-laws). In-laws were no contact with SIL for a few years (SIL's choice), but she has been back in contact for just under a year.

Anyway, we weren't made aware of her being in the presence of our children until they all returned and our youngest made comments about things they'd done with her kids and our eldest went into more detail. In-laws confirmed that the kids had all got on and they knew she was coming to visit prior to them going.

The reason I am unhappy is because our middle child was upset by some of the comments she made towards them; SIL is the opposite of a 'politically correct'/'socially aware' person and made comments that would be considered homophobic/just plain unkind.

I comforted middle child as much as I could and they accepted this (I think). However I am annoyed at in-laws that they didn't tell us of her intended visited prior to taking our kids away. We didn't need the childcare, the holiday was totally instigated by in-laws and didn't cost them anything in an accommodation sense as the holiday home belongs to another family member.

Dh has said he will speak to MiL to let her know we're not happy but doesn't want to upset her, nor does he want it to impact the relationship the kids have with them. I don't think dh will explain fully how we feel.

What should we/I do going forward? I feel like I am back at square one with my anxiety (I struggled to let the kids go to in-laws without us when they were babies due to them not fully following our wishes). I also feel like my in-laws deliberately withheld information from us regarding SiL that as parents, we should have known so we could make a decision.

Should I let this go for the sake of family peace? Or should I let dh deal with this? Or should I say something myself? I accept that as the kids get older they may want contact with extended family of their own accord, but at what age is this appropriate?

Thanks for any advice!

Your in-laws deliberately withheld the information. I would be angry with them too! Sorry, no advice on how to handle the conversation.

It would be the last time the children stayed with in-laws without a parent present.

No need to do grand declarations, just decline future plans as they are mooted.

Thanks for the replies so far :) I'm sad because now the children are a bit older I felt like I was getting to a point where I could 'let them go' without us a bit more, but now I feel like I'll be worried again. No other childcare options available to us, which doesn't bother me but I think dh was hoping we could leave the kids with in-laws occasionally as they got older.

Don’t let them take your DC away by themselves in future, don’t allow unsupervised visits.
Other than that I would say nothing. Only if they ask in future why they can’t take the DC away anymore would I say ‘because last time you took them you went behind our back and invited SIL’. End of conversation.

I’d be furious, they had your kids around an unstable adult possibly unsupervised. You have had no contact with her in so long you don’t know what sort of frame of mind she’s in.

Your DH should be furious also. This SHOULD impact grandparents relationship with their grandkids as they’ve made a huge mistake. I wouldn’t let kids go with grandparents again and I would also want to be there for the conversation with your in laws. Don’t leave it to your DH if you think he won’t be strict enough.

That was the last time your kids went on holidays with their grandparents from your dh. Tell the Grandparents that trust has gone so now it’s supervised visits only. They caused the problem and they have to face the consequences.

What a deceitful woman. Back to nc with sil and lc/nc with ils. They have proved to be untrustworthy..

Yes they were deceitful but is it worth a serious conversation and very clear final warning before stopping future visits? They might react with appropriate apologies and promises of better behaviour. You’re cutting off a great source of childcare which you might be very grateful for in future…

This. If DH refuses to explain the sityation properly, then he needs to know that the dc will not be going to PIL without you being there.

i wouldn't let them spend time with my children again without me being present .

I would be absolutely livid and not allow my DC to spend time with the in laws unaccompanied again.

No unsupervised visits going forward and if in-laws asked why I’d let them know in no uncertain terms they can’t be trusted.

Also tell dh that either he handles his parents or you will.

@GreenBanana445 I don't want to cut them off completely, they are otherwise lovely people who are 'people pleasers' and I'm sure it all came about as they didn't want to upset us or SiL. I'd like dh to explain how we feel but I think they will downplay it. I think those that have said not to say anything but just ensure dc are not in their company alone make a good point, but you're right at some point we may need the childcare/dc may want to visit independently of us and that worries me.

My advice now, this time let your husband to deal with it and don't add more to the story. My advice for the future don't let them take the kids on holidays if you don't feel comfortable with their "last minute" agenda changes.
That will ease the situation now and you will be in full control next time.
No need to express how much you feel or how you feel now, leave it cool down and take control for next time.
When they offer to take them next time you will be already busy with them.

In my experience as annoying your SIL may be is their daughter and your husband sister and it is better to stay away from some family dynamics.

Don't let them make you the baddy of this story giving them tiny arguments to hold on.

People are always so quick on here to advise cutting off relatives. Whilst I would want it clear that they can't take the children away on their own again, it seems a bit extreme to say the children shouldn't see their grandparents again. You have clearly raised them well for the middle child to be offended by homophobia. It won't be the last time in life, so she is well equipped to know it is wrong. It is your husbands mum and dad at the end of the day and the kids that your kids played with are their family. You now know that there is a people pleasing risk so can set appropriate boundaries for putting your child's first.

Op sorry I don't mean to have a go but your dh has got his priorities wrong. He really needs to be more concerned that his parents behaved badly and take into consideration that one of your children is upset. He should be fuming and telling them immediately not dancing around it all. Why is your dh worried about the impact on the relationship with the kids and the grandparents but the inlaws aren't worrying about what their actions might do to impact their relationship with you and the kids...🤔 why does he not want to upset her but she's not concerned about upsetting you. She's the one in the wrong and she shouldn't get upset she should say sorry.

I would be furious. I would let them know in no uncertain terms that they did this behind your back and you no longer trust them. I would be limiting contact and the holidays would be a no go with them! Totally out of order!

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