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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Taking a few days to a week to reply

19 replies

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:24

So here is my story, there's this guy I'm kinda friends with, but we've never personally met. We have connections though. My mom is best friends with one of this aunt's, knows his mom and just a lot of his family for years and he even knows some of my cousins. Well he and I got in touch in the first place bc of my mom. Like 10 yrs ago, she had me randomly message him on fb asking about his mom to see how she's doing(my mom didn't have a fb account) and that's basically how it all started. Well he and I became friends thru fb but again, we never got the chance to meet. We lived in two different states at the time. So I ended up deleting my fb completely and lost touch with him. I went over a yr without fb and created another one but didn't add him back bc I wasnt sure if I should until recently toward the end of November. So I messaged him asking how he's doing etc and found out he now lives like 2/3 Hrs away from me. But my thing is, he takes like 2-3 days to respond and twice he's taken a week to reply back. I had a crush on him back 10 yrs ago and of course throughout the yrs I moved on, been in other relationships and when I recently got back in touch a few months ago, I started to show some interest again even though I have not personally known him but something always intrigued me. My thing is, my friends told me not to waste my time with him bc he takes too long to reply back and he obviously doesn't want to talk to me. And he doesn't give dry answers btw, he does give pretty good responses it's just he takes awhile to get back with me. He was like that from the get go.
Any thoughts on this?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 16:27

Listen to your friends.

Why you would pin any romantic possibilities on him is a mystery. You don't know him, you've never even met him, and he obviously isn't bothered to go any further. You are definitely wasting your time if you think this may go anywhere.

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2024 16:36

Well I mean, if I was writing a pen pal, I wouldn't sit down and reply the second i got their post. Even a mate I don't see often, I probably wouldn't reply straight away. Just whenever I felt like it.

That being said, when we like people we do tend to reply quickly.

If he just thinks you're an old pal wanting to catch up then there's no reason for immediate responses.

Realistically though, he's 3 hours away. It's not a dateable distance. So he's probably right not to treat you as a potential date. If you lived closer, maybe he'd seem to take more interest. But you don't so...it's a non starter.

Unless you want a quick bit of fun.. In which case, 'hey I'm coming to your part of town for a week next week, want to meet up?'. You might get a quick reply then. That'll tell you he's up for a...fumble. Which any man who fancies you would probably be. Another age to reply would however, would suggest he's not into you at all.

Either way, you're not likely to get a grand romance here.

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:39

Because that's how usually it starts? You try to get to know someone.. But I think I was just trying to see if I should not be so caught up with his late responses bc we don't know each other personally and was hoping we start off as friends. One of my friends did tell me to offer to meet up, hang out as friends and see how it goes so I can finally have that in person contact and know for sure if I would be interested in him since online it's totally different than in person of course.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 16:44

If he were interested in taking this further, you'd know it.

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:44

Sorry I'm new to this so I'm not sure if there is a way I can directly reply back to someone but anways, 3 Hrs really is not that far. There's plenty of people who do long distance even further than that.. but from what I'm gathering now based on responses, it seems I shouldn't bother then and just leave it as a simple friendship.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2024 16:47

Your friend is a smart cookie.

Don't waste time getting attached to someone online that you might not fancy in person.

Realistically though how do you see it working out as anything serious if you live this far away from eachother?

It would be one thing if you dated for a while but then had to live apart for a time period due to work commitments.

But this guy is a stranger. There's no way to date in the first place. Wasting years chatting online perhaps? Waste of life. You need to date in person to actually get to know someone.

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:47

Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean we were talking like a couple weeks ago but it ended bc of me. He took like a week to reply back and he did give a good decent response but I just didn't like how long he took to reply so I didn't respond back. I guess I should just let it go and move on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:51

That's why I was saying one of my friends suggested he and I meet half way to finally meet in person and see if we click or not. And it's totally possible to work out, it's only 3 hrs not across the other side of the US. But of course, usually in LDR one of them has to be the one willing to move if they do get serious with each other. That's obviously something they know they need to put into consideration when dating someone from a different area.

OP posts:

NotAgainWilson · 07/04/2024 16:54

I’m sorry OP but, surely, it will save you a lot of heartache to accept that when a guy has not made any effort to meet you in so many years, even if he politely respond to messages, he is not interested. You are only a distant acquaintance at best.

If you are going to risk your heart, do it with some one who you actually know in person and who is available both in time and presence, otherwise you are wasting precious years of your life.

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2024 17:01

Well realistically there's no harm in asking.

But let's say you meet half way:

That trip on a regular basis will cost you both 3 hours worth of gas (or train tickets) each trip. Plus the cost of the food, drink and date activity. Plus maybe after a few dates, a hotel? Those costs will add up. Not to say you wouldn't progress to one of you going to the others place after a few dates.

Possible scenario then:

It means 6 hours of travel out of the weekend. It means that person maybe wanting to stay all weekend to make the most of things. Which means you never seem to get any time to yourself anymore. You start to resent this because its early days if dating and this is too much. Or alternatively, you feel like you are always the one driving to them and making the effort.

The costs and the time it takes to travel all add up. And as a man, traditionally expected to pay more on dates, be chivalrous and drive to you ect...he's going to be acutely aware of this. If he works a lot he'll also maybe want weekends to himself. So just, things to consider.

It's just not practical for him. We'll, for either of you. But when you have a crush you can get ahead of yourself.

NotAgainWilson · 07/04/2024 17:08

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 16:44

3 hrs is nothing if you have already built a solid relationship and are just separated temporarily.

Building a relationship with someone living 3 hrs away is a bonkers as you shouldn’t commit to anyone you haven’t seen in his good and bad moments. If you only see him a couple of times a month, how would you get to know him properly (especially the negative points) when he would only be showing his nice “we-are-in-a-romantic-weekend” side?

But again, this is putting the cart before the horses, he has not made any attempts to meet you in all this time, don’t you think he would freak a bit if he knew you are even contemplating the possibility of moving to be near to him when you hardly know him? I know that when that happened to me, it did really scare me and I ended up blocking the guy. Unfortunately I couldn’t see it as a Sleepless in Seattle situation, it felt more like a Fatal Attraction one brewing up.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 17:17

You are investing a huge amount of emotional energy into a relationship that doesn't even exist.

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 17:18

We live 3 Hrs way from each other so meeting half way is 1 1/2 Hrs.. but hold on I didn't say I plan to wanna live near him? I said if people do date long distance, one of them has to obviously be the one to move where the other person lives when things do get serious if they do. But my point being is, I've never met him and he seems like a cool guy but of course I would have liked to know him better which again is why i would like to meet in person but I can definitely see where everyone is coming from. You won't know someone until you meet them. And as someone said, if he wanted to meet, he would have offered it and since he hasn't then I guess I have my answer.

OP posts:

WoodingtonMo · 07/04/2024 17:33

OP, most posters here are in the U.K. so three hours seems like forever away. Most wouldn’t date anyone beyond an hour or so. I know it’s different in the US with everything so far apart. My brother lives there and he’s always complaining you have to drive to get anywhere.

Have you asked him to meet in person? Sorry if I missed it.

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 17:38

Ohh okay! That totally makes sense now. Yeah you for sure do gotta drive quite a bit to get to a lot of places. Yeah bc I was so confused as why 3 Hrs was such a big deal? Like I have several friends who were doing LDR while living in different states and they are all happily married now. Here in the US..So Long distance is totally do-able. And no I haven't bc I was hesitant bc my friends didn't like the fact he took like a week to reply back so they told me not to bother and just not respond back. He typically responds with a couple days so it's not like he always take a week to reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 17:47

And thank you so much for being nice haha. I feel like Im being attacked over here bc I wanna get to know someone I haven't met yet and just didn't know if I should focus so much on the length of time he takes to respond back. That's my only thing, it's not about distance or anything bc he is very nice and my cousins have spoken well about him. It's just he takes awhile to respond and I didn't know if I should make that a big deal or kept it going and just talk and eventually offer to meet up.

OP posts:

ButtockUp · 07/04/2024 17:51

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 17:17

You are investing a huge amount of emotional energy into a relationship that doesn't even exist.

This.

You have no relationship. There never was a relationship.
You seem fixated on a dream.

Leave him be, it sounds like he was only ever polite to you.

All these years???!!! And you've never even met!

Original poster

Photography24 · 07/04/2024 17:57

Maybe you should go and read what I posted.. I haven't been actually talking to him for years on straight. We lost touch over the years and just back in touch like 3 months ago. There is nothing wrong with catching up with someone you lost touch with and reconnecting nor is it wrong to show some interest and wanting to meet and get to know the person either. That's literally what people do for online dating, never met but message without knowing each other and eventually plan to meet in person. Not that we met on a dating app but my point being is, just bc you haven't met someone doesn't mean you can eventually meet them. Even if it's just a friendship. I am interested enough to want to meet him but I wouldn't mind being his friend if he doesn't want anything more than that.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 18:41

If you want to meet him, then say so and take it from there. The worst thing he can say is no.

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